Sunday, January 27, 2013


We now live with a nudist. Tonight we had to resort to using reasonable sized slices of DUCT TAPE to secure that >^| damned diaper.

She didn't nap today so I knew bedtime would suck. Seems counterintuitive but the more tired she is the harder she fights the sweet sleepy slumber. We were right...she striped and was re-dressed for an hour and 15 minutes. The last round she was cold so we were able to get her back into PJ's (unzipped) and a sleep sack (zippable blanket) that was quickly and lovingly duct taped by weary parents.

She's silent now and we will check on her nudity factor before we head to bed. Don't hear me wrong, nudie sleepers are fine but if you are 100% assured to pee while you sleep you have not earned the right to sleep sans diaper. PERIOD. I'm the mommy - ergo it is my call. (That feels good to say no matter how delusional it is.)

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Oh no...

Lucy pulled off her own diaper tonight after being put to bed. thankfully, she hasn't woke up with a diaper with anything more than pee in months, but I feel for Jason tomorrow. I'm in San Jose and am not there to help.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

The unexpected

I read this yesterday:
The official diagnosis by Oncology this AM:"Adeno Carcinoma of the pancreas which has metastasized to my liver"*In other words - I have Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer which Metastasized to my Liver. *My prognosis WITHOUT future Chemo therapy is 6-12 months.

This is not the facebook update you want to read from anyone, let alone your friend who is a 35 year old single dad with a bright five year old son. I'm heartbroken and thankful that because of his age and relative health (other than the stage 4 cancer) the doctors are willing to start an aggressive chemo program. It won't be easy and no matter what, miracles included, he's looking at a 5 year window. I'm traveling next week for work which will put me within an hours drive of the VA hospital where he's been the past 2 months during the diagnosis process.

We have a date to visit, but he has the option to wave me off at any point - including if I'm standing at the door and he's not up to it. I hope I get to see him, but naturally I'm nervous that I'll say the wrong thing. ;My instinct is to take him comfort food or a cozy quilt for his next few months of chemo, but I think I'll just go an listen to him.

 We worked together at MegaBank and our relationship was good, I liked him from the start even though it was mostly us on the phone, email, and Instant Message. I think we only were in the same city four or five times in eight years. When things at the bank started to go south, he would call and express his worry, stress and fear and after the bank died we continued to talk from time to time but mostly in the "TP is a great listener" way. So, since my gift to him has always been the ability for him to unload I'll sit and listen as long as he likes.

This visit won't be about my sadness or fear for him but in this venue I can share here that it scares the heck out of me.

Jason and I started doing our estate planning in November and are finally wrapping it up with the attorney this week, which has resulted in phone calls to our most trusted family members to ask the horrible question "will you be willing to take Lucy if something happens to us?" Monday, when I made the phone call to the back up I said "not that we'll ever need it." But, you can't know that for sure... no one can. Seeing someone realistically faced having to work out who will continue the job of raising his beloved child is awful, and almost too real to think about.

I know that Lucy would be loved and nurtured by anyone in our family who took her in. Financially she would be fine, but naturally I want to be there to give her "the" talk when she thinks she ready to date. I want to be the one to talk to her about why it is important to be nice to all the kids, not just the popular ones. I want to be there to talk her off the ledge after her dad tries to teach her to drive. I want to be the one to tell her when she's crossed the line, or when she needs to push herself harder. I signed up for that, willingly.

Lucy has an email account and I send her mail from time to time. I told her all about her first birthday, I write to her when I'm traveling and have tried to encourage the grandparents to write to her. I hope that when she reads these messages that she doesn't think its silly, but I like being able to tell her stuff when I'm thinking about it and not wait until she's eight or ten to tell her these little things.

Our wise #2 Lucy adopt-a-parent suggested that we leave with our wills a letter that talks about our intentions for her regarding religion, morals, money, that sort of thing. I'm not sure we could sum it up into one letter and it would change from year to year, but maybe I'll try. I have faith in the folks we have selected for Lucy and there are no conflicting values that cause me any worry, so a care and feeding letter isn't forthcoming from me just yet. A current where to find the insurance, who to call at our employers, where the will is located and who our attorney is letter is forthcoming.

I think it's natural to look at other people's suffering and want to help and I think it's honest to say "whew, thankfully that isn't me". I don't think we need to live under a shadowy cloud of "oh it could be me at any moment" but learning from others and accepting a wake-up call is important. I'm praying for my friend and his son.

I hope I get to see my friend next week and I hope that he is at peace and ready to battle. I also hope that if there comes a point where the treatment is doing more harm than good that he'll have the courage to stop and simply be with his son. I hope, I hope, I hope...

Friday, January 04, 2013

Workin' It

 This morning when I picked up Lucy from her crib to bring her into our room she put her little hands on both sides of my face and gave me a big kiss. My heart melted and I went out and bought that 22 month old kid a car. (kidding)

Thursday, January 03, 2013

2012 - in review, it's not all about the baby.

It seems like time just flies by... Summer turns into fall and we do up the house for Halloween, then Thanksgiving is followed by a whole month of Christmas activities.  We take a deep breath in early January to really clean the house, but pause to celebrate Jason's birthday at month end. Valentine's day gets a nice nod, mostly good cards and a great dinner, and now we celebrate Lucy's birthday on March 1st.    Early spring is my least favorite time of year, the weather isn't great, it's wet, Jason gets a nasty case of seasonal allergies and is a mess for months.  Somewhere in May there is a glorious weekend and all the Northwesterners wig out and proclaim to the world how wonderful it is to live here.   Then it is gloomy until the 5th of July when summer really arrives.  Soon, it is fall and time to dig out the pumpkins again.

There is a lot more to our year than that - this was a big one:

Snow storms
A 1st birthday for a certain kid
Someone learned how to walk
New words are entering our vocabulary all the time
Trips to Denver
Both grandmas had hand issues and casts
It was election year, so we got to watch lots and lots of super uplifting tv ads.
I did some laundry, and then I did it again.
We spent a lot of energy on our kitchen and love the outcome.
Jas & I went to Maui and had a wonderful time.
We dined in the back yard during our short but lovely summer.
I did some more laundry.
I did NOT stain the fence... next year for sure.

Blah blah blah... where are the funny, sarcastic posts of yore?  I am extremely happy and the areas that I'm not so thrilled about don't seem ok to blog about on a continual basis.  I'm still struggling with the loss of my friend but my walls are up and other than polite invitations to larger events I'm not of the mind to extend the olive branch.  A colleague of mine was saying how her 10 year old daughter is going through big dramas at school.  "Betsy's" best friend broke up with her and it played out like a boyfriend/girlfriend break up.  "Mom" was expressing how silly it all felt, but that it resulted in days of histrionics until they "got back together".   I can see where kids - young girls especially would act out the break up process with flair.  I can also empathize that when you're the one who gets dumped it hurts.

I feel a little like "Betsy" in that this loss of friendship has been like a breakup, but without the benefit of a big dramatic fight.  I'm aware that the fact that we haven't spoken in person or made any attempts to sit down are by my choice and I obviously must be ok with that or I would do something about it.  I do wonder from time to time if she even cares.  And then I wonder, why does it matter if she cares?  Girls are complicated beings even at 44.

I suppose the reason I'm STILL talking about this is that I miss her.  But missing someone and willing to spend time with someone who thinks so little of you are two different things.  I'm insecure about a lot of things, but not so much that I'll take any form of friendship that I can wick off someone.

Insecurity is a funny thing - it feeds on itself.  When the 'breakup' thing starts swirling in my head I start making a list of my faults and there are a few, and then I move onto the people whom I really cared about who no longer are in my life.  The one thing they all have in common - me and they are no longer here, so clearly the issue must be me.

I KNOW, I KNOW...lives change and people move on, it is not a sign that there is something terribly wrong with ME, but when you only look at it from the perspective of those who choose not to participate in my life anymore it's hard to not focus on my part of that equation.

The truly deep dark secret about all this is that I worry that someday my most important person, Mr. TP gal will find reason to leave as well.  This is totally and completely irrational. Similarly when he runs an errand and takes longer coming home than you would expect I start worrying about car wrecks and other dreadful things.  We put a lot of purposeful effort into our little union - we both want to be here and even during those times when we're too busy or tired to connect we acknowledge it.  The Oprah Inner Dialog tells me to turn those feelings of 'fear' into action to continue to put effort into our marriage and to silence the insecurity gremlins.

OID also says to make a list of one thing each day for which you are grateful.  I'm pretty sure I won't be posting one each day for the entire year (as you say 'whew') but today, I'm grateful for those warm snuggle moments in the morning when Lucy joins us before we get out of bed and start our day.  She gets cozy while she wakes up and likes to be 'in the nook'.  She will take my arm and tug it into place so she's got a good 'mommy hug' and that is a wonderful thing.  It is not so nice when she pushes Jason's hand away because he's moving in on her territory.  That poor little girl is in for a hard lesson when she finally figures out that he was here first and he is staying and we're going to eventually ask HER to move out of the house.   He says that when I'm gone for work she is equally loving and cuddly with him, but it's clear that he's #2 on the cuddle hierarchy.

Thanks for dropping by.

Tuesday, January 01, 2013