Thursday, July 29, 2010

Does that mean Sarah Palin is "plain"?

A handy translation of not only English to Chinese, but douchebag to girl.

The Dueling Carls

Talking Carl is an iPhone app that records snippets of audio and then plays it back at a higher pitch. If you put two Talking Carls next to each other, this is what you get:

WARNING: This gets loud and while there's no bad language it's probably not ok in an office setting.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I want my stuff!!!!

I ordered something on line and have been waiting for it to arrive.  I checked UPS (again) today and am perplexed by what I find.  First, you can find Hodgkins on the map (out side of Chicago) but the weather channel doesn't do weather for that area so you have to use the general area.  I'm not really sure what is so adverse about 80 and cloudy... sounds divine to me.

Adverse Weather - since Monday...
The weather (as it has been since Monday)

Weekend Getaways

We were in California this weekend exploring wine country and a fun side trip to Yosemite National Park.

Crikey!  HOT

Half Dome, Yosemite National Park

el Capitan, Yosemite

The half dome isn't the only thing peaking at Yosemite.

Babies make bad mimes.

J & T by a big damn tree
Tasting Port @ Ficklin. The yummy 1983 was drool-worthy!
J&T @ Half Dome in Yosemite National Park

Saturday, July 24, 2010

TOLIO: an ailment leading to the deformity of the toe. (could be medical, like hammer toe or fashion like Manolos.)

Thursday, July 22, 2010

SPAZMOSIS: when the goofy behavior of your companion wears off on you and you start acting silly too.

The Women Rituals

I'm headed to a baby shower next weekend and it should be a lovely time.  I've got a cute outfit picked out and my gift from Babies R Us has already arrived and is wrapped.

The expectant momma was over last night and we were talking about the party and she announced that she has never been to a baby shower before.  Oh to be 26... (maybe 27) but even though she's got cousins galore with babies and friends who have had babies somehow she has missed this magical ceremony. 

I explained all the wonderful and mysterious things that will go on.  The games:

"Baby"  - every lady gets a diaper pin and if she utters the word "baby" then she has to surrender her pin to the gal who catches her.  At the end, the woman with the most pins gets a prize, like a Party Lite Candle or Lotion from Bed Bath & Beyond.  (While there is typically only one pregnant person at any shower, beverages or gifts like wine are strictly verboten!)

Memory - A covered tray of baby things are brought into the center of the room (at a baby shower the women sit in a circle - perhaps signifying the embrace of the placenta?) and the cover is removed for about 30 seconds and then replaced.  Each woman has to then write down as many of the items as she can remember.  This is especially hideous for women who haven't had children and for whom many of these items are nameless.  In my day I have noted many a "colorful noise thingy" and "odd suction cup" on trays at baby showers.

WHAT THE F*CK IS THAT? - labels from baby foods are removed, and then the blobs of colorful goo are passed around and each gal has to taste each one (usually from a rubber covered spoon) and then decipher the flavor.   Flavors like Apple, Banana, Sweet Potato and Pear are easy to point out, but combination "flavors" like Ham & Ham Gravy or Mixed vegetables & turkey are harder to pinpoint. 

Who made a poopie : This is a darling game of chance where every guest is pinned with a little diaper looking pendant and then later in the party you're asked to open it up and whoever has the "poopie" one (usually a smudge of chocolate) wins a prize. 

I forget the other games that as a childless, unmarried woman made me want to cry.  I do recall that there is a lot of helpful advice heaped upon the expectant mom and at one shower the advice seemed pretty universal until one of the moms turned to me and said, "we'll I guess you could use it on your cat" and then turned away after getting a big laugh from the room.  I wondered if murder at a baby shower was bad form. 

For this upcoming shower we were issued cards and are supposed to submit Advice for the New Mommy.  Is it funny, or just rude to write "How the h*ll am I supposed to know?"  Or better yet, "just keep smiling and be thankful that we wont all come live at your house."

I saved the BEST part of a baby shower for the last.  Since we're all seated in the mandatory circle when the gifts are opened by the super pregnant lady (who generally can't even reach her toes) she has to hold each pretty pink or blue item up and coo.  Then, if it is at all passable the gift is passed from woman to woman around the circle.  Each little item is handled and touched by no less than 12 pairs of hands before it is safely tucked back into the bag it came in.  

There is cake at every baby shower.  Genreally really good cake too - like from Costco.  Women don't bake anymore for their closest friends of friends.  Frankly a big ass sheet cake from Costco is totally worth the baby food tasting activities.  It's just too bad we can't be having champagne with our cake.  I know, it is not fair to the momma, but the thing I find funny about baby showers is that even though being naked with your man usually got them into that condition, baby showers are a chaste, sterile, no-raunchy humor, idealistic celebration of "perfection".  I've never heard a new momma ask "when can I have good hot sex again?"  It's almost as if every baby shower happens in 1952. 

Don't get me wrong... I enjoy a good shower and am thrilled for my friend, but she needed to know what she was in for.  The advice and cooing is the price you pay for all the wonderful and greatly needed items that are coming your way.  And... while she has never been to a shower before, I myself have been to plenty.  I've considered adopting just to finally get my investments in other people's kids back.  (it doesn't work that way, but wouldn't it be nice.)

After hearing all this, the soon-to-be-Daddy decided to go golfing with Jason that day.  Lucky bastards...

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


Sorry gang, I've been distracted.   I have no pressing or interesting stories to tell so here are snippets of what is going on in the world at large:

1) Still waiting on our replacement window treatments.  I mentioned that a little plastic piece failed and the blind came crashing down.  Well, the Costco Window Treatment people are spot on fabulous.  The piece has been ordered and they will call when it is time to come out and re-install it.  I am hopeful that they won't have to re-order the blind, because if they do it will be another 4 weeks.

In the meantime, if it gets really warm or we need privacy we're using... a SHEET to cover the window.  Tisk Tisk....

2) Jason ordered something from Apple and failed to notice that they had our old address.  We called FedEx and asked to reroute the package.  I was SHOCKED to hear that they could do it.  The next delivery day Jason (who watches all packages in real time) noticed that they tried again to deliver to our old address, so he called again to confirm.  He was told "oh, re-routing can take 24-48 hours and we see it right here in the system.  It should go to the right address tomorrow."

Today he called me around 10 am to ask if the package arrived.  Nope, no deliveries.  He sounded sad and said that someone named L. Lasldkfueronlrtkuose signed for the package (but at the old address.)  STRANGE.

He called FedEx AGAIN and this time was told "oh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to re-route packages from Apple."  UM.... why the *&^%*($% didn't the first or second agents say that?

Their solution... was to go to the address and ask for our package.  (This was Apple's solution too.)  Both companies having shipped and delivered a package to the address on the ordersheet were done with the order.  (I tend to agree but when I mentioned that to Jason I got an icy silence on the phone and then a "thank you for pooping on my parade."  ouch.)

So, Jason drove right over to our old condo and marched up the stairs ready to bang on the door and demand his package.  But.... it turns out a neighbor signed for the package and left it on the doorstep.  So, Jason just took it!  Good for him.

3) Read in the paper today that Miss Lindsay turned herself into the Los Angeles jail where she'll be spending the next "90" days.  My guess is she'll be out by my birthday. I"m sure she will learn nothing.  Poor girl.  (not poor because I think she's been dealt an injustice, but poor girl in that she needs help.)

4) I wonder if this shooting incident in Lk. Sammamish State Park had happened in a more ethnically diverse neighborhood, like central Seattle if it would still be front page news after four days?  Maybe I'm jaded, but I wonder if we're incensed because two groups (gangs?) of kids pulled out guns and started shooting each other in a public area, or if we care because it was a public area where affluent people like to recreate? 

5) Good bye to a legend.  Sweet Lou Piniella will be retiring this year. thanks for your years in Seattle and I'm sure the people of Chicago are thankful as well.  enjoy retirement.  I hear Seattle is a town that thinks highly of you!

6) My inbox has an "invitation" from the Waldorf Astoria hotel in New York to visit.  I think I just might take them up on their offer.  It seems like a mighty expensive place to stay if you have to pay for it, but as their guest I shouldn't refuse.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Bandit advice

I just read an article that suggested the Miami judge who heard the initial charges against Colton Harris-Moore is considering if bail should be allowed.

Here's a hint:


Just say no.

You broke what!?

I’m not sure what it is about my 3rd day away from home, but I am generally pretty useless on my final day at the office. The first two days I get a ton of work done and then the last day I’m open to responding to new issues, but am not interested in starting something new. I can do that tomorrow.

I’m leaving in about 30 minutes for the airport, so it doesn’t behoove me to get too involved in anything, but I suppose I should.

On the home front, talking to Jason last night was sad. He broke his little toe yesterday morning and was feeling badly about the pain. For the record, he’s the one who moved the ottoman, not me.

Then, after a slow day of couch dwelling he felt the need to open the sliding glass window which means he had to raise up our lovely blinds. Well, the sad little piece of plastic that the Hunter Douglas people feel is sufficient to hold the 6 foot wide blind to the casing is not at all sufficient. It crashed down on top of my disabled guy and had to be removed from the door area altogether. There is a lifetime warranty, but sheesh, we shouldn’t have to deal with this after only 9 months.

We’ll see how prompt and helpful their service is. Since the shades were professionally installed it would be nice not to have to re-install this monster shade on our own.

Monday, July 12, 2010

On the open waters

Yesterday was so fantastic! A few months ago we (I) bid on a sailing trip at an auction. I hovered around the bid form and at the last minute trumped the poor sap who was bidding against me by $25.00. To be fair, I opened with a solid, and generous bid. I didn’t start at $10. I was in the 3 digit numbers on the onset. (I say I bid, because Jason has more sense than I do in this situation.)

The how we got to go sailing on the most perfect of perfect Seattle summer days is mostly unimportant, other than you should make a mental note of my extreme generosity towards kids with special needs and their desire to go to camp.

After sleeping in until a glorious 8:15 am (Thank you Mr. 6:00 am for passing quietly so I could sleep through you for the first time in a million years) we attended church and explored the connection between the Noah’s Ark parable and parental forgiveness.

At two we met cousins Marty & Phil and their lovely wives at the sailboat of a stranger. We got the mini-tour (this is the deck, this is below, this is the galley, this is the head) and we were off. We left out of the marina and headed into Lake Union. We crossed under the Ballard and Fremont Bridges which raised just for us. Oooh, the power the little 47 foot tall mast brings.

We zipped around the lake looking at the many houseboats, the industrial facilities, the amazing South Lake Union restaurants and dodged many a Kenmore Air float plane on takeoff and landing. In addition to our moderate sail boat the lake was teaming with kayaks, motor boats, two pirate ships and people standing on surfboard looking things with a paddle. To be honest, I think the Kenmore Air Pilots must be drunk all the time to have the guts to take off and land on that lake. At one point when we were under sail (meaning the sail was providing the power, not the engine) a plane had to abort a landing because we had the right of way. That was a bit exciting. And by “exciting” I mean a little poopie in my panties.
The skipper or Captain Chris as I named him commandeered one of the wives (not me) to navigate while he messed with the sail. She had a blast, but there were a few times (three) where we listed (tipped) very dramatically to the port (left) which sent the nice spread of goodies Captain Chris had spread out for our group down below onto the floor. The third time I went below to pick up chips, m&m’s and bowls off the floor, a decision was made to gather everything up and drop it in the sink.

Chris hadn’t really readied his ‘down below’ for a mildly unsteady outing and his books, cactus and knickknacks that live nicely on the table when the boat is tied to the dock didn’t do so well during our outing. I felt bad about the broken vase, but its not like we dropped in and make him take us sailing. He donated the outing and had more than 2 months to clean up before we got there. Still, I hope that vase meant nothing to him.
We all certainly enjoyed our time on deck and the weather was stunning. I can’t recall a more perfect day to be outside on a lake. We took lots of pictures that I will have to upload later.
After we docked, we tried to go to Ray’s Boathouse for dinner, but it wasn’t exactly a novel idea and we scraped it in favor of fish and chips at Totem Fish & Chips. It is true that we didn’t have a water view, but our outside table was scrumptious and the fish was tasty. It was also not a 45 minute wait.
For some reason I was capital “P” pooped when we got home. We cleaned up and retired to watch tv. I was out by 10, but not for long. I was up at 12, 12:50, 1:45, 3:12 and 4:05.

Sadly, last night was one of those nights when I was “awake/asleep.” The clock seemed to move at a snail’s pace, but I wasn’t getting any rest. I wasn’t awake enough to entertain myself back to sleep (a few games of solitaire on the iPhone will generally lull me back to sleep) but I wasn’t really asleep either. I was sad when the alarm rang at 4:30. I did nap a little on the airplane this morning, but as I sit here finishing up my lunch I am entirely zonked. I need a nap like nobody’s business. Somehow taking 30 minutes away from your desk when you work at home is not as noticeable as crawling under your desk in the office environment.

Oh how I wish that a nap under my desk was ok… it is calling to me. “TP… the floor wants you!!!”
The bright side is that I had a wonderful day yesterday and I will sleep like the dead tonight.

Friday, July 09, 2010


Last night was the first of many summer concerts in the park at Pine Lake.

The "band" was so so.  They played guitar and sang to a sound track of 60-70's hits. 

It is KID LAND in Sammamish.  We were surrounded by hundreds of small people grooving to music and having intense negotiations over crust-less peanut butter & jelly sandwiches. 

Some teenagers are not meant to wear bikini's in public.  I'm all for a positive body image, but cover yourself in the middle of a park for pete sake!

Some ants can bite really hard.  (ouch)  I killed the little f*cker, but it got a decent bite out of my leg before it was squished into oblivion.

A concert in the park with friends on a 90 degree day is heaven!

Wednesday, July 07, 2010


Pyromaniacs Potluck

It is a  sunny, warm lovely Wednesday.  The act of staying inside and working is a chore at this point.  What I really want to do is take a walk and find myself at the nail salon and have my ghetto toes redone.  However, I have actual deliverables that need to be completed. 

So I will put off having my toes professionally touched up (until Saturday) and chat with you fine people for a moment, then it is into the documents that I'm working on.  Dull.

Our 4th of July was great.  We like to stay at the Inn at discovery coast.  The rooms are nice but not overly pricy - well, they are for the 4th, but it was worth it.  We had a fabulous view of the beach and all the fireworks that the crazies were shooting off. 

We watched the fireworks at the Port of Ilwaco on Saturday and then Sunday when everyone headed to Long Beach we made our way to Chinook to spend time with the Pyro family.  It is a fabulous alternative to the chaos in "town."  It's fun that the kids are getting older because the length of time one or more parent is stuck inside calming a scared 3 year old is less when said 3 year old is 4.  I imagine at 5 they might be able to hang outside all night.

Jason gets a kick out of the Pyromaniacs Potluck festivities.  We avoided all the fireworks stands "in town" and bee lined for the one in Chinook as soon as we arrived.  We discussed a budget and then I stood aside and visited with ghosts of high school past while he studied the aisles and made his selection. 

The party is pretty great in that most people contribute both chow and explosives.  We talk, visit and keep the kids distracted until dusk when the little things start to burn.  Once the sun sets for good, the large fireworks come out and those of us without the need to set things on fire sit back and enjoy the show that is perfectly timed by the fire starters in the group.

Only once did Nana Sue have to scold a pre-teen about his proximity to the device spewing sparks across the driveway.  She was forced to let out just a sigh when not more than 30 minutes later one of her adult children did the same fire dance to a different firework.  When your baby is 41... I guess you let it go.   Me, I'm a total worry wart so I sit back and when the little ones get too close I focus on other things, making a mental note that my imaginary children don't get to stand close to the flame until they too are 40. 

The weather was mildly nice this year and the rain held out for the show on the 3rd and the 4th.  It was a bit misty during the day on the 4th, but since we had a lazy afternoon of lunch and a beach walk it wasn't a dreadful situation.

Our drive home Monday was pretty good.  After a holiday I adopt a zen state of mind and only feel the need to pass when it will actually do some good - i.e. if there is a motor home in front of me and no one in front of him and it is safe.   But if I'm 5th in line behind the motor home there's no need to get my knickers in a twist because there are only a few safe and legal places to pass in Pacific County.  Knowing that I would have to make 5 maneuvers to get to be first in line isn't worth the aggravation,, and the somewhat blind corner passing.  But, more power to you Mr. A-hole Camaro with your baby in the back seat.  It gave me great joy to have you pass me in a dangerous spot only to catch up with you in 8 miles at the next town.  The only thing that would have made me happier would be to see you being visited by one of our states finest - the WSP.

With that nice note, I'm off to Access Control Policies... woo woo.  Happy 7th of July!

Friday, July 02, 2010

New term: Peanut Buster Barffet. Pretty much describes itself.

Thursday, July 01, 2010

You're no hero!

I will say that the legend of Colton Harris-Moore is impressive.  This kid escaped from a half-way house and has been on the run ever since.  He has stolen boats, airplanes, cars, food, and who knows what else in his quest to remain free.

He has broken into houses, summer cabins, grocery stores, airplane hangers and has alluded the authorities for over three years.  In some cases he leaves footprints in baby powder on the floors as his signature that he was there.  To some he is a hero, to those whose property he has helped himself to he is a menace, to the police he is a criminal.

He has made his way from the Seattle area to the Washington and Oregon coasts and most recently was spotted in South Dakota, Nebraska and even Iowa.  He is pretty clever in that he doesn't stick with a stolen car for long, he picks them up at airports thus increasing the amount of time he can drive it before it is reported stolen.  He seems to be breaking into houses and cabins that don't look occupied and getting his rest, food, shower and even keeping well groomed. One home owner came home to find him cutting his hair in their bathroom.

This kid is NOT a hero.  He is going to end up in jail or worse, dead.  The last people that encountered him said that he pointed a laser at them (from a dark location) and claimed he had a gun.  The police will now assume that this "kid" now aged 19, is armed.  One wrong move and a lengthy prison sentence turns into a quick execution or life in a wheelchair (like that sick man who killed the Seattle Police Officer on Halloween.)

He is invading the personal space of private, undeserving people.  Entering someones home uninvited and helping yourself to their frozen burritos, and their clean towels is a violation of a person's home.  Knowing that someone has been in your private space robs you of your sense of security and safety.  I'm sure he's doing what he thinks he needs to in order to survive, but he really should be working on getting himself a good and sympathetic lawyer who will fight for the shortest amount of jail time.

By moving from state to state, this thug is just increasing the number of people looking for him and the number of jurisdictions that will want a piece of him if he survives the arrest process.

He's acting like a kid, but he is no kid.  He is 19, an age at which I wouldn't support him getting married, but he's old enough to go to jail for a long time.  He should be careful and avoid Texas and Florida.  They are not kind to those who don't toe the line.  (It is TOE right?  Stand with your toe on the line, not TOW the line, like haul it from place to place.)

Lastly,  I read in the paper today that 20th Century Fox bought the rights to tell his story.  How nice that he'll be made into a movie, but who in the world did they "buy the rights" from?