The Arrival

An article on CNN.com was posted today that suggests doctors will be able to detect and assess the progression of Alzheimer's using eye tests.   In a study they were able to detect beta-amyloid, a key marker of Alzheimer’s disease in the participants. The hope is that they'll be able to create a test that will help them determine the onset of Alzheimer's before the cognitive symptoms arrive, which would give folks more time to take preventative measures and take or make medical interventions that will delay the devastating effects.

Of course I care about this from the standpoint of an empathetic human as advances in health care is great for everyone.  However, I find myself in a family that has a history with this disease.  Jason's grandmother passed from this when he was young, and his uncle Tom was diagnosed a little over ten years ago.  We are in a constant state of worry and watching over his mom.  She is aware of minor memory issues but cognitive tests don't indicate an active diagnosis is eminent.  

Tom passed away last week.   He had been in full time care for years, and he had stopped recognizing his family a long time ago.  His passing is sad, but also there's some relief in that he's free of his non-functioning body and his family can move on to a daily schedule that doesn't involve his care.   

Jason and Susie will be attending Tom's funeral.  We decided that we all didn't need to make the last minute trip to Kentucky.  Lucy is so very empathetic that she cried for Tom, whom she's never met.   This kid is so lovely.  We explained the complexity of someone passing who, unlike Papa took years and years to go but stopped being themselves a long time ago.   

I'm glad that Jason is going with his mom. I don't think we'd be comfortable with her traveling alone and this trip is one that Susie would have certainly made with John is fraught with some emotional land mines for her.  

This all hits home.  We know that we will be Susie's support system in the event that her forgetfulness turns into a legitimate diagnosis - we're here for it.  What frightens me is that Tom's daughter who is my age has also been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's.   

The Alzheimer's association says that having this in the family is not a guarantee that all in that family will have it.  But, having a parent or a sibling that is diagnosed increased the likelihood of a diagnosis.  Susie has a third sibling and to our knowledge their family seems to be free of it.  Finger's crossed that remains true. 

It's not lost on me that this genetic connection is very close to my own household.  Is it coming for Jason?  Lucy?  Obviously, anything could hit us at anytime.  I am infinitely grateful for dodging the myriad of horrors that could have come for our small kid, but as a parent I worry about EVERYTHING. It's not a crippling fear, I don't need a counselor but the list of things that could be coming for us is long.  This one is just a bit more realistic.  

I really love these humans and want our golden luck to continue.   

The sum of a man

I wrote an obituary today.  It was all business, but I injected a couple of paragraphs from my heart.  I expected my lovely mother-in-law to reject them, but they invoked emotion and she liked it.  

It is very hard for a pedestrian writer to evoke emotion and express the true depth of what someone means to you.

My father-in-law was known and loved by multitudes of people that experienced his spirit, loyalty and experience before I met him.  My time with him was limited to the last fifteen years of his life.   

I have enjoyed his stories, the stories of my Jason as a boy, John’s bride and the stories of the many nieces and nephews and their children.  He was of all things a historian, passing information from previous generations down through entertaining tales.  

The obituary covers the milestones of his life, school, finding is forever life partner, his son, the beloved neighbors in his chosen neighborhood and links to the lives he touched.  It doesn’t dig into the small moments that have meant so much to those of us along the way.

He was a faithful member of his church and honored the teachings.  He valued the lessons of family and tradition.  They guided his decisions.   However, when the church suggested the person a nephew had chosen as his wife wasn’t going to result in a “true” marriage because she wasn’t a member of the same church, my father-in-law and mother-in-law made every effort to attend the wedding and celebrate the now 45+ year union.  That simple act, one that the groom’s own parents didn’t do, still moves the groom and his bride to tears.

Many years later when I arrived on the scene, I was (am) a liberal, mildly Lutheran gal who fell deeply in love with his son.  John comforted me when my feelings were hurt that one of his beloved family members took a stand to avoid attending our wedding.  He told me that their focus on church was their problem, and that I was welcome in his family.   I know he cared deeply about the traditions of his church, but he could see that I was his son’s family and our partnership in life was more important than traditions.  

These are two small examples of the man I knew.  He wasn’t perfect, after a few ‘nips’ of scotch the stories tended to ramble in circles, but he was determined to see the good in anyone he was related to.  I never once heard him utter anything negative about anyone - except politicians. But, we’ve all been there. 

In an obituary of someone who lived 83 years, the moments that imbedded him into my heart can’t be the focus, but I will remember and love him with the same honor as my own dad.   As I support his bride and son through this journey of learning to live in a world where they can’t just call dad, I will follow behind with a similar broken heart.

Peace

There's a point in our church service where we pass the peace.   We stand up and greet those around us with a handshake and say "God's peace" to each other.  There are hugs with friends and a kiss to my own family.   Truth be told, it stretches me as a closet introvert.   I'm comfortable greeting those whom we sit near every Sunday but seldom do I cross the room to others.

One Sunday about three years ago I was jolted when I noticed an older man in the back of the church.  His pale yellow-pink coloring, lack of hair, and larger body frame made me think it was my dad.  My breath caught and my brain caught up with my eyes as a wave of emotion that included the always present undercurrent of loss and regret passed through me.  How many phone calls did I cut short because dad was retelling me a story from years ago, or how many weekends that I could have visited that I did not because I wanted to sleep in, or go out with friends? 

The next time I saw him, I made a point to walk his way and reach out my hand to extend the peace.  He casually took my hand and it was shocking that his skin had a familiar paper-thin, but warm feel.  As I returned to my seat with my own family, again my eyes were moist with a feeling of connection to my dad.

So, now I'm a thief.  When I see him, I make a point to shake his hand and pass the peace.   I don't know his name and while I hope he's a happy person in a happy life, I don't need to know him.   I just want to touch him, and I know I am stealing from him.  The hand I hold for those three seconds isn't his, it's my dad.  That kind grasp and minute squeeze is a hug, a stolen touch of my father across the boundaries of life and death. 

I am careful not to be overly effusive when I take from this stranger what I want.  I give him a warm smile but no bigger than the people I greet on the aisles as I make my way towards him.  I don't want to scare him or let him know that I've got ulterior motives.  When I greet him with my "Good morning, God's peace." I'm really saying "thank you".

Dad would be 81 this week.  I wonder which story he would tell me when I called him Tuesday to wish him a happy birthday.  It would be nice to hear his voice as he talked through current events,  told me I'm doing a good job of parenting, or teased us about having an electronic gadget for every need.   We won't have those conversations ever again, but I have a secret.   When things get back to normal and we can attend church in person, I get to shake his hand and carry that familiar touch in my heart.

Easter 2016

Character

It has been a rough couple days in the extended friend department.  My friend and former colleague from MegaBank has been battling pancreatic cancer for two years now.  He was diagnosed with stage IV, and through medical intervention and determination he's done a remarkable job.  It's been painful, expensive and excruciating, especially since he's the father of a now five year old boy.

Jay and his ex-wife were, at the date of his diagnosis far from friendly with each other.  These things happen - blame is easy to spread around.  It's easy to vilify one party over the other when you are only presented with one side.  I've never met Jay's ex-wife and based on things he's said about her I never wanted to.  I can see how anger, hurt and whatever else he was feeling impacted his ability to focus on the things about her that made him willingly and happily marry her and then have a child together.

They have, in spite of not being able to be friendly, worked out how to live in the same geographic area for the sake of their young son.  This has meant moving to Oregon, Florida and back to California to support their overall goal of being with their son.

Now, here he is having taken a terrible turn for the worst at home on hospice care and she, the "evil ex-wife" has moved in, put her world on hold to take care of Jay and ensure that their son makes it through this awful time.   I really can't think of anything more beautiful to do for someone.

I see that Jay's very close friends are involved and supporting the three of them as a combined family unit.  I wish I could be there to do something, but I guess the best I have to offer is appreciation for the fact that you can't or shouldn't judge someone based on limited information.  

I'm sad for their loss, sad to be losing a friend and thankful he's with people who care.

Date Night

To celebrate our 4 years of wedded bliss (and those few moments of "we had better work this out") Jason and I planned to have an adult only dinner at el Gaucho.  We lined up a very reliable and fun babysitter for Lucy and made our reservations.  Friday night around 8pm, a text came in from said babysitter informing us that she had a fever of 102 and wouldn't be coming Saturday.

I must say that as disappointing as it is to have a babysitter cancel at the last minute, I really appreciate that she didn't want to bring whatever plague she was exposed to into our home.   I made a series of phonecalls to the primary babysitter - voicemail, "Aunt Ninny" - voicemail, and finally Cousin JoJo's go-to emergency caregiver - voicemail.

Then we pulled out the big guns and called "Bama" (grandma) .  It is a lot to ask to have her drive over from Yakima to hang out with the kid while we get dressed up and go on a date with each other.  We were resigned to having to reschedule our date - after all, we do live together, it's not as though it was a life or death once in a lifetime event.  However lucky us, Bama came through for us and drove over the next morning.

Bama arrived during Lucy's nap.  Lucy squealed with delight when Bama opened the door to rescue Lucy from the dreaded nap.  Normally, after naps Lucy likes to sit and snuggle with me, but not when Bama is in the house.

With Lucy safely entertained, we proceeded with our date night plans.  We hit happy hour at Pearl, then went over to dinner.  Dinner was, as expected spectacular.  We were there from 7pm until well after 10.   There are times when I worry that we'll run out of stuff to talk about, but I think that worry is misplaced.

We talked about the evolution of the last four years, established the thing that is causing the most stress in our lives (we refinanced the house into a 15 year mortgage - which we can totally afford, but in doing so sucked up about 85% of our disposable income, so now we're having to focus more on what we spend) and then we moved on to other things that interest us.  We talked about the kid, vacations we want to take, work, current events, popular culture stuff and everything in between.  I guess, it's safe to say that we'll continue this marriage thing for another year.

Oh and we did establish that he's not really very serious about an 80" tv.  Whew.

This morning we got up and made breakfast while Lucy and Bama colored and then went for a walk.  Today has that lazy Sunday kind of feel to it.  There will be football on downstairs at 1:30, and at the moment, I'm catching up on laundry while Lucy watches her weekend movie.

I"m off to San Jose in the morning, so in addition to hanging out, football and laundry I have to pack.

Last night was great, but we're back to real life and that's good too!

Perspective

It has been a booger of a week.  Work has been very busy and the moments to do those little things that make working a home a treat have been few and far between.  I don't mean bubble baths either...on a normal day I can keep the laundry moving through it's cycles and get at least a load or two washed, dried and PUT AWAY - not this week.  Heck, this week I haven't been able to break to run downstairs for lunch until after 2.  Yesterday I ate a small bite at 2:30 and then surprise surprise had no interest in dinner.

It doesn't help that I'm coming off a nasty cold.  Last Wednesday when I was in Salt Lake City (for a day) I managed to get over to my niece who has a daughter who is 21 days younger than Lucy.  Wrap your brain around that.  He's 49, I'm 44, Erika is 20, and Lucy and Aisley are almost 2.  What was I thinking???    Anyway, she's a sweet kid and can say her colors, lots of words and the baby is pretty bright too.  (ooh... I'm bad!)  The baby had a minor fever while I was there but I wasn't too worried.  Fevers happen all the time, a slight ear infection, a new tooth anything sets those small people off.

The next day however, I got a text from my brother saying that Aisley had developed a bad cough and they took her to the doctor who swabbed her nose and diagnosed Flu A.  I had to look it up to see why it wasn't just 'the flu' and it turns out that it IS just 'the' flu but it closer in makeup to it's dangerous cousin the bird flu.  Regardless, FLU!?

By Friday afternoon I felt like I'd been hit by a truck and a call was made to our doctor.  There was a lengthy rundown of symptoms and I was told to go to bed, take some stuff, drink tea and ride it out.  We had a great weekend.  Thankfully, I'm the only one in my house that was affected although I do have a new found appreciation for the frustration Jason has been feeling over his lingering cough that has been affecting him since before Christmas.

While Lucy isn't sick, she has been a special joy to be around the last few days.  She came home from day care on Tuesday and whined and cried until bedtime.  I know there will be days when she is off her game too, but man oh man...that kid can yell and push my buttons.    Then yesterday, she took a 3 1/2 nap at school.  She came home happy and while there was a battle at dinner about why she can't put her feet on the table, she was a better kid to be around.

So, I'm tired not feeling back to my own self, Lucy is off, Jason has is own stuff going on and I want to whine about it.  I'm entitled right???  No. You. Are. Not.

My complaints are valid, but come on TP have some perspective - your buddy Jay is going though chemo while trying to spend as much time as possible with his 5 year old.  Your other friends are embarking on a scary medical journey of their own with their newborn son and a couple you've known for 15 years has decided to divorce.  It's time to do some counting of blessings Terri...

So, here we go, a small list of things I'm rather happy about:

• My family
• My home.
• My job, even when it makes me crazy.
• That there is world class chemo for a sick friend.
• That there are scary medical procedures for this beautiful boy.
• Toddlers who nap.
• Warm feet
• Cold Medicine
• friends who are in my life, and ones who aren't that I still love.
• good books
• tv shows that I can disappear into. 
• homemade dinner that tastes like I want it to taste.
• things that make you laugh.
• A warm shower.
• Waking up before Lucy does.
• Coffee in the morning
• a valentine's gift for my guy that is meaningful.
• Dinner with family who are also friends.
• Sugar cookies (that I'm going to bake during my lunch hour today.)

Videos

Lucy in a basket (shot in December)


Lucy plays with trains, and then makes something of her own (christmas morning)


Don't worry, we cleaned it up.


Dancing this past weekend




Last video

She's not doing much, but she clearly says her own name.  I see in the basket video she did it too, but she's starting to say it with more frequency now and says it when she sees her own picture.

The unexpected

I read this yesterday:

The official diagnosis by Oncology this AM:"Adeno Carcinoma of the pancreas which has metastasized to my liver"*In other words - I have Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer which Metastasized to my Liver. *My prognosis WITHOUT future Chemo therapy is 6-12 months.

This is not the facebook update you want to read from anyone, let alone your friend who is a 35 year old single dad with a bright five year old son. I'm heartbroken and thankful that because of his age and relative health (other than the stage 4 cancer) the doctors are willing to start an aggressive chemo program. It won't be easy and no matter what, miracles included, he's looking at a 5 year window. I'm traveling next week for work which will put me within an hours drive of the VA hospital where he's been the past 2 months during the diagnosis process.

We have a date to visit, but he has the option to wave me off at any point - including if I'm standing at the door and he's not up to it. I hope I get to see him, but naturally I'm nervous that I'll say the wrong thing. ;My instinct is to take him comfort food or a cozy quilt for his next few months of chemo, but I think I'll just go an listen to him.

 We worked together at MegaBank and our relationship was good, I liked him from the start even though it was mostly us on the phone, email, and Instant Message. I think we only were in the same city four or five times in eight years. When things at the bank started to go south, he would call and express his worry, stress and fear and after the bank died we continued to talk from time to time but mostly in the "TP is a great listener" way. So, since my gift to him has always been the ability for him to unload I'll sit and listen as long as he likes.

This visit won't be about my sadness or fear for him but in this venue I can share here that it scares the heck out of me.

Jason and I started doing our estate planning in November and are finally wrapping it up with the attorney this week, which has resulted in phone calls to our most trusted family members to ask the horrible question "will you be willing to take Lucy if something happens to us?" Monday, when I made the phone call to the back up I said "not that we'll ever need it." But, you can't know that for sure... no one can. Seeing someone realistically faced having to work out who will continue the job of raising his beloved child is awful, and almost too real to think about.

I know that Lucy would be loved and nurtured by anyone in our family who took her in. Financially she would be fine, but naturally I want to be there to give her "the" talk when she thinks she ready to date. I want to be the one to talk to her about why it is important to be nice to all the kids, not just the popular ones. I want to be there to talk her off the ledge after her dad tries to teach her to drive. I want to be the one to tell her when she's crossed the line, or when she needs to push herself harder. I signed up for that, willingly.

Lucy has an email account and I send her mail from time to time. I told her all about her first birthday, I write to her when I'm traveling and have tried to encourage the grandparents to write to her. I hope that when she reads these messages that she doesn't think its silly, but I like being able to tell her stuff when I'm thinking about it and not wait until she's eight or ten to tell her these little things.

Our wise #2 Lucy adopt-a-parent suggested that we leave with our wills a letter that talks about our intentions for her regarding religion, morals, money, that sort of thing. I'm not sure we could sum it up into one letter and it would change from year to year, but maybe I'll try. I have faith in the folks we have selected for Lucy and there are no conflicting values that cause me any worry, so a care and feeding letter isn't forthcoming from me just yet. A current where to find the insurance, who to call at our employers, where the will is located and who our attorney is letter is forthcoming.

I think it's natural to look at other people's suffering and want to help and I think it's honest to say "whew, thankfully that isn't me". I don't think we need to live under a shadowy cloud of "oh it could be me at any moment" but learning from others and accepting a wake-up call is important. I'm praying for my friend and his son.

I hope I get to see my friend next week and I hope that he is at peace and ready to battle. I also hope that if there comes a point where the treatment is doing more harm than good that he'll have the courage to stop and simply be with his son. I hope, I hope, I hope...

Workin' It

 This morning when I picked up Lucy from her crib to bring her into our room she put her little hands on both sides of my face and gave me a big kiss. My heart melted and I went out and bought that 22 month old kid a car. (kidding)

Love!

The Lord's Prayer

I'm going to get spiritual.  Calm yourselves.

The Lord's Prayer is something that as a kid I worked hard to memorize.  I didn't do it because it was important to my faith or because I understood the meaning I did it because I felt awkward  not knowing the words and I felt that if I had it memorized that I would fit in better.  Oh the mind of a kid in 6th grade.

I was well into my adulthood when the meaning of the story of the last supper and the Lord's Prayer finally clicked for me.  Hold the phone... Jesus was a real person (unlike Santa) and these are words that came out of his mouth.  Whoa.   I'm pretty sure this was my exact thought.  Granted, Jesus likely didn't speak English and thus what we have today is a translation.  Regardless, when I think about that it really says, for me it holds some very powerful concepts.

I've often thought that if I was ever to write a book it would be a book for kids explaining what the Lord's Prayer means.  The thing that holds me back other than time is that I don't think of myself as qualified to comment or interpret something to integral to the Christian community.  I mean, who am I but a sarcastic gal with a biting sense of humor?   Who knows, I might do it anyway and run it by my liturgical friends.

The thing about The Lord's Prayer (TLP)  for me is that the meaning of it hits home in different ways.  At first it was the idea that it is a connection between Jesus and my modern world in the same way that when I read a passage from Shakespeare I find it amazing that those actual words were spoken 400 years ago by far better people than me.  It may sound silly, but saying TLP and forming the same words is connective for me.

I find that aspect of it interesting because while I am attracted to the Jesus story, my spirituality is with God and not a specific person in the Bible.  I always thought that the attention given to the Mary's by the Catholic faith was odd, but the Lutheran's and Presbyterians do the same thing with Jesus.  I guess we need the actual people to relate to instead of a "dude on a cloud". Anywho, just a tangent.

Life is happening all around us.  There is joy, there is sorrow, there is excitement and boredom.  Life goes on and on and on.  There are times when passages of TLP don't mean anything, and others when they speak to me deeply.

Over the course of the last year the line "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive others" struck me as really appropriate.  I've lost a friend and the forgivenessneeded in that scenario is layered.  I need to forgive her for her opinion of me.  I need to forgive myself for my part in the death of our friendship.  I need to know that the transformation of our friendship from an active part of my life to someone whom I read about on Facebook is how life works and that is ok.  I mourn it but I forgive the hurt I feel.  (Pretty sure Jesus doesn't care about Facebook - but you get my meaning.)

Today, that same line spoke to me differently.  Forgiveness.  I send out prayers of forgiveness for the families  in Connecticut who I can't imagine how they are functioning.  I pray that they are able to find forgiveness and that it helps heal their sorrow.  I don't mean straight up "no harm no foul" type forgiveness, but I hope in time they are able to let go of any anger or hate this terrible event has brought to them.  I pray that the next person who is out in our world who is contemplating a similar act can find forgiveness and it eases whatever is driving them towards a dark act.

I also see for the first time that the line 'thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven" isn't a statement that our earthly place is so great and amazing, but a plea for a change in our world.  It's an acknowledgement that life is rough and influenced by more than this omnipotent and benevolent being.  It isn't God's will that this young man took the lives of these people - I don't believe that God was anywhere in that act. This line implies our hope that "God's will" is peaceful and good and wishing for that in our real live world.

I do pray for those families.  I pray that they are able to heal in a way that I don't think I could.  I hope they have people who will help pick them up and that the learn how to live in this new world. I hope we never see this type of event again (but accept that it likely will.)

I pray/hope (it is the same thing for me) that we learn something and that the people who use this terrible event to further their own agenda know how much they are hurting us.

I hope that even if you aren't a spiritual person that you are able to find comfort and peace in your own way throughout these terrible events.

Sally Ride and a genuine question

So, at the young age of 61 the first woman in space, Sally Ride died.  She was part of my youth and watching her break that barrier was important.  Of course at the time, I didn't know that it was remarkable and that she was doing something no woman had done (or been allowed to do) before.  To me, she was unique because she was on the news.  No one had told me that I couldn't do something because I was a girl.  She was a pioneer and a hero.  She was a champion for education and especially for girls in science. That's a hard sale these days.

Her obituary is causing some ripples because it ends with a simple statement that she leaves behind Tam Soandso, her partner of 27 years. She was GAY and we didn't know it. Gasp.

Some folks are up in arms that she was in the closet and did the gay community a disservice by not outing herself. I totally disagree.

Even though I think our society is served well by knowing that the gay community serves beside us in everything we do, I don't think that everyone who is gay has a responsibility to offer themselves up as a spokesperson.  Ms. Ride's calling was her family and education.  These are honorable causes.  From what I've read it sounds like her family and friends knew she was a lesbian.  That isn't closeted.  Sure, she didn't invite the media and the American people into her bedroom, but she also didn't advocate in the public sphere her stance on lots of issues.

I had a bit of a back and forth on a friends web page on this topic and I gracefully bowed out. I said that I understood where he was coming from but that everyone should have a choice to be vocal or not.  Then I let him have the last word.  After all, he was the one who felt betrayed and I'm just a soon to be middle aged, married lady.

I think our modern American world has lots of progress to make regarding our homosexual neighbors.  I understand that for some folks they may not know anyone who is gay (or don't know they know them) and they have been educated that being homosexual is a sin.  That carries a lot of weight for folks who use sin as a marker for how to live their lives.  Many people are adamant that GOD is calling this a sin.

I don't pretend to know what GOD says or thinks.  We have a nice little book that tells us what some men say GOD said or thought, but many of the items contained within that book are out of date in our modern world and are not followed to the letter by these folks either.  (I've mentioned this before.)  I can only do what in my heart feels like the right thing.

Sorry, I'm on a religious tangent and I wanted to go somewhere else.   My thought process of late has been trying to formulate a question to pose to the world at large about same-gender marriage that goes something like this:

The Washington State law (and upcoming ref 74) regarding same-sex unions does not require any church or religious organization to perform same-sex unions.  Therefore they are allowed to opt out of participating in these unions and can express their beliefs for their congregants anyway they like.

If we take religious arguments, the bible, and God off the table for reasons to oppose same-sex unions, what are the other arguments against it?

I'm interested in hearing a non-religious based answer.  I like religion, I enjoy participating in church and I am not trying to discount that some people feel adamantly that God is against this.  However, we don't limit the rights of others because they don't belong to our church, any church, or heavens to pete don't believe in church at all.   We do inflict Christmas on non-believers but Rudolf is so cute.. you know they like it.

I doubt I'm ever going to change the mind of anyone, but I am interested in hearing a genuine argument that isn't based on religion - especially in a country founded on religious freedom.

Processing

Boy wouldn't life be easier if we didn't have to deal with other peoples feelings?  I suppose the trade off for the complicated situations are the moments of peace and utter happiness that comes with loving yourself and those around you.

I was secretly pleased when I joined Jason's family only to discover that there was familial unrest and long seeded angst over issues that occurred during the childhoods of some of the cousins.  Not pleased in that I was taking joy in their inability to get along or cope as adults, but comfort in the fact that similar situations in my own family aren't as unique as I thought they were.

Since our wedding, when an unrelated crisis occurred and things came to a head, two members of the immediate cousins have stepped out of the family under the idea that it's easier not to deal with anyone else.  Having never really had the opportunity to know these folks as warm, loving people the loss is mostly the hurt my most important person has experienced.  I don't mean to suggest that he's ever sat down and wept over this situation, but I can tell that the withdrawal of friendship and the harsh things said about other members of the family are hurtful.  

For me, it is a lost opportunity to welcome the entire family into my life.   You may not believe it based upon what I share here, but I'm pretty guarded about my feelings.  (I get that from my dad.)  Now, with the inclusion of Jason and Lucy in my world I'm extremely guarded about their feelings as well.  Should the "family rift" be healed and everyone starts coming to family events again, it will be a long time before (if ever) I warm up an open myself or openly welcome these folks into our inner sphere.

I state all this because a similar situation is occurring on my side of the family and I'm considering drawing a line in the sand.  The decision is a lot more difficult because I know these folks and have grown up with them in my life.

Without getting into the gory details, one of the sisters is mad at my mom and has decided to cut off communication.  I suppose this is fine, if at the age of 60, you decide it is easier to step out of family events rather than deal with the offending sister.  However, it should be no surprise that doing that means you're opting out of all events where said sister is present.   I mean, if you're mad at me and don't want to see me, don't be shocked that Jason isn't popping by to say hi and have a glass of wine from time to time.  We are a team.  Similarly, as much as I have fond memories of time spent with this aunt and uncle, my heart lies with my parents.

Unfortunately, during Lucy's birthday weekend my failure to invite my aunt and uncle to Lucy's 1st birthday festivities became known to them in a way that was unintentionally, but none the less hurtful and my uncle called to ask about it.  I tried to cover (lie) to deflect, but as the conversation went on I fessed up that since I hadn't seen or heard from them since June, when they came to a picnic at my parents house and but didn't speak a single word to my mom, and then didn't respond to a genuine invitation to come to our home for a visit, that I thought I was following the party line and was leaving them alone per their own desires.   The phone call was uncomfortable and compounded by the fact that we had house guests who could hear my side of the conversation and were thankfully too polite to inquire.

So, here's the part that raises my blood pressure.  While my uncle was on the phone asking about what was going on and why they weren't invited, my aunt was in her car driving over to my parents house.  In the heat of her anger, she assumed that my mom was preventing me from having a relationship with her.  Her choice of names for my mother was (to be polite) unacceptable and the fact that she had to be told emphatically to get out of the house is troubling.  Be hurt, be angry, but don't forget yourself and lose control.  I live in a peaceful world, a peaceful house with people who are loving.  Sure, there are frustrations, but we do not scream and call each other names that rhyme with "sticking finch".    I don't want Lucy exposed to that within the comfort of her own family and I don't want her to think it is ever acceptable to refer to anyone in the family in those terms.  You can disagree, and even dislike members of your family, but disrespecting them in their own home is ... trashy.   Furthermore, the idea that at the age of 43, that my mom has any power whatsoever to prohibit me from having a relationship with anyone I want is preposterous.  It's laughable, I think Jason snorted milk through his nose at the idea that I could be "controlled".   I took it as a compliment that I'm a confident, self-assured woman and not a bull-headed, moose who does what I want regardless of rational thought.  Don't correct me, I like the way I'm looking at it.

My uncle asked me to reach out to my aunt to apologize for the invitation oversight and maybe suggest times we could get together (in neutral territory.)  I agreed, but that was before I knew about the drama at my parents house.  I've been mulling over a response and it isn't very "come visit!" or "let's meet for dinner".   They are 100% entitled to not like or spend time with anyone they like, but the same is true for me.  Furthermore, just as I'm not inclined to expose Lucy to the nuttiness that are the "angry cousins" I'm not inclined to give her lots of time with people who openly express anger towards her Grandmother.  (And by lots, you know I mean none....)

Life is too short to be spent being angry with each other, but if that's the path you're on, I can't stop you, but I can keep your angry energy out of my home.  Tragedy and sadness will come regardless of what I do, but our daily life can be peaceful and happy, so that when we're touched by the hard things in life we have a solid foundation to rely on.  (Is that too Zen for you?)

Anyway, I'm thinking if I respond to my aunt that an open letter to all the sisters is in order.  There's a lot of re-interpretation that happens among themselves and I'd rather be an open book than open for paraphrasing.

We'll see.  My next step is to write a letter, share it with my sane partner and then decide what to do.

Date Night

Jason and I got dressed up and went out to dinner for his birthday. Normally, dinner out for us is the 4:45 seating at Casa Durango, our neighborhood hot spot for burritos and carne asada. Antonio doesn't mind that we bring little miss discards cheerios on the floor and we like the food. Someday, she'll stay up past 7:00 on a regular basis and we may be able to dine out with the general population again. Until then, dinners out are either with the no-teeth set (oldies and babies) or it's s big deal that involves babysitters. If I have to pay a babysitter, I'm going to do dinner right. So, for Jason's birthday we dressed up and went to El Gaucho. Sure, it's expensive as hell, but I got to put on a dress and the fancy shoes.

Our Lucy sitters arrived early so they could play with her so we headed to the restaurant early. We enjoyed a cocktail at the bar. We had all night to give each other love eyes so a rap with the bartender is fun. We discussed the merits of infused vodkas. (Don't be surprised if we whip up a batch for the summer.) After our cocktail hour we were escorted to our table, a lovely two top in the back of the dark candle lit section. This restaurant had a few sections that, in my observation, are seated based upon your mode of dress. The well lit section above the bar seems to be filled with the jeans and t-shirt crowd, the section we were in had the suits, jackets and ladies in sparkle gear or dresses. There is an elevated ring of booths around the perimeter of the dining area and those were occupied by request during the reservation process (maybe next time that will be my request.) There is a second level that is mostly private rooms for larger parties. I asked the waiter about the segregation of diners based upon their mode of dress and he (in his tuxedo) swore up and down that it wasn't true. However, not one t-shirt was in our section, nor have I ever seen it in my many (4) visits to the Gaucho.

We brought our own bottle of wine from our collection and were happy to pay the $25 corkage fee. We never would have paid the restaurant price for that wine, and we had been storing it for a while. It was yummy. Our dinner was wonderful, although my fillet medallions were overcooked and in spite of the dark location I could tell immediately. Our waiter arrived back at the table within seconds and pulled a flashlight from his tuxedo and took one look, gasped in horror and whipped my plate away before I could say "oh... I'll eat it". While I waited they brought me a plate of the most heavenly mashed potatoes that God ever created. I knew better than to smear them all over my face, but I really wanted to do it.

Jason and I talked like we were on an amazing first date about everything under the sun but we also gossiped about the people around us. We like to try and pick out the people on a date, the bored married couples, the people who are fighting and those that either have just had sex, or will be having sex in the next 90 minutes or so. To our right were two tables of two, a young couple with a bouquet of roses and petals sprinkled on the table and within arms reach an older couple who seemed to be celebrating a birthday - again with a small bouquet of roses. I felt bad that I hadn't thought that far ahead in requesting flowers to make Jason's birthday dinner that much more special. (I'm such a jerk.) To our left was a larger table and the couples arrived separately. The first to arrive was a couple in their late 20's, she was a lovely blond and he a dark haired dreamboat. They seemed happy and chatty with each other. However, when the second couple arrived, a brown haired woman with a man who looked eerily like the first guy the blond clammed up like someone took a crap on her skirt. (what!?) Anywho, when the older couple arrived it was clear it was the parents of the two men and the ladies were the wives. Instantly, the dark haired woman started talking and laughing with the mom and the blond didn't say another word the whole night. Everyone but her ordered appetizers, steaks and drank wine. They had a great time. She however ate salad, drank either water or a tall clear cocktail and seemed to be wishing for death. I thought how awful it must be to be happily in love with your man but not connect with his boisterous family. Frankly, the family seemed fun so the poor girl came off like she has a major stick up her butt.

 We lingered over dinner and dessert and the older couple to our right finished dinner and left. I noticed that they left their roses on the table, so after a few moments I said to Jason, "I'm getting you flowers." Without even having to stand up, I reached over and pulled the small bouquet onto our table and we proceeded to talk and enjoy our night. Maybe a minute later the woman was back, in her coat, standing at her former table. The waiter arrived and she said, "I forgot my flowers, but they aren't here." HORROR. I felt badly and was terribly embarrassed. I fessed up immediately and as I handed them to her I sad "I'm so sorry, we thought you left them. Happy birthday." She looked confused, took the flowers and left without saying a word. (I'm sure I don't come off very well in her version of the story.) I turned back around and Jason was laughing at me. Clearly, my horror was humorous. I'll give him credit for acknowledging that it was a no harm, no foul situation.

A moment later the waiter arrived at our table with a new bouquet of roses in hand and pointed to the other table of two and said "that couple over there would like you to have their roses." HORROR. If you thought I was embarrassed before, imagine how that was compounded upon realizing that the folks around us saw me steal the flowers and then have to give them back. I leaned over and said "you don't want to give me your roses, I'm a common criminal." They laughed and said "enjoy!" Jason and I had a good laugh... well, he laughed and I tried to compose myself. As the evening wound down we were ready to head home and our waiter brought us the bill (horror again, but it was expected) and reminded us to take our flowers home. We were just getting on the freeway when I remembered that I forgot to grab the roses. Oh well, at least the generous couple had already left and didn't see me abandon their sweet gesture.

 Happy Birthday to my special guy, next time I'll buy you your own roses.

More weddings!

Oh I love a good wedding and with a few perplexing exceptions, my wonderful and delightful friends are paired up and wedding season seems to be waning in my world. (To all the single ladies in the world, I know of the last, smart, witty, fun, single and caring man on earth... give me a call and I'll assess your worthiness for an introduction.)  He's a straight as the day is long, so any of you single guys out there have to keep looking.

Any-who... back to my point.  The local news lately is filled with what I see as progress in our state.  I'm talking about the historic votes to allow all couples, regardless of gender makeup to marry.  Unless something drastic happens it will pass the next legislative step and then the Governor will sign the bill into law.  It's a darned complicated process but I'm rather excited about it.

I'm sure the signing into law won't be the end of it, there will be people who will sue, those that will suggest that a law won't be valid unless its voted on by the citizens of our state, but I say 'whooie!'  We elected the folks in Olympia and their work stands for us all - just because you don't like it doesn't make it wrong.  My dad taught me that.  It was a blinding lesson in reality, where he told me to "want in one want and spit in the other and see which one gets full first."  I had to test that theory about five times before I really figured out that wanting wasn't all that productive.  I also learned that a handful of spit wiped on the couch will get you sent to your room.

I know plenty of people who feel with the most deepest of convictions that homosexuality is a sin and that allowing these 'sinners' to marry is an affront to the foundations of marriage.  I don't agree, but I respect their right to believe that way.  I also respect their right to pick and choose which parts of the bible to follow.  Rules such as if you rape a woman and she isn't married you have to marry her.  We don't stand by that one... or the penalty for adultery being death by stoning.  Other non-practical rules, such as crop rotation have been clearly moved aside as not relevant to our modern society, and I doubt that all priests still don special undergarments when they approach the alter, lest the die of guilt (that's in Exodus, and thank you Google for a fruitful search of absurd Bible laws.)  I don't discount that many modern churches and religious organizations still call homosexuality a sin.  That is fine, for them.

Churches and religious organizations can (and should) lead their people according to their beliefs and interpretations of Gods (or whomever) divine law.  Those teachings however should not extend to how laws are crafted in our modern, religiously free society.  Who is to say that YOUR view of God is the same as mine or that it is more relevant or more right?  Basing laws on a specific moral code is not acceptable in our modern civil government.  Sure, thou shalt not kill has wormed its way into our legal system, but come on, when you murder someone you trample their civil rights just a bit.  It's not only an infringement of their ability to dine at McDonalds but also ties back to the 10 commandments.  However, we have not created laws that can result in capital punishment for all the commandments.   I can find no civil code to prohibit anyone from envying their neighbor or their hot wife.

I support the rights of  Churches to opt in or out of performing, supporting, condemning or endorsing same sex unions.  They can deem me a sinner all day long for my support for that matter.  However, the State (a non-religious based entity) should not participate in mandated discrimination of any kind.

The argument that a same sex union harms the fabric of or society, the basis of families or will impact the marriage of anyone else is (again I say) whooie!  There have been gay couples for ages and it hasn't really harmed anyone, or impacted the fabric of society.  I would argue that the feeling that these people should stay closeted or that it's ok to bully gay kids or anyone) has done more harm than loving acceptance would have done.    Just as a sham marriage between two complete strangers or celebrities has no impact on my world, a union between two women in Yakima would have zero impact on me.    That's not entirely true, if I knew them, and was invited to the wedding I might spend some money on a new dress, a wedding gift or two and maybe a hotel room.  That is a positive impact to our economy, that's not a bad thing.

The fight isn't over, the discussion will go on for a while, but hopefully it will be resolved once and for all and we can move on to bigger and more important things.

By the way, I was trying to look up a statistic that would support a statement I thought I wanted to make about most serial killers being heterosexual males and accidentally downloaded a rather large PowerPoint presentation from Radford University entitled "Serial Killers".  Should anyone important be monitoring my online activity I'm  not doing research for extra curricular activities. Turns out, the report makes no reference to sexuality other than to note that serial killers have a higher rate of sexual abuse in their past than the rest of the population.  Since consenting adult sexual behavior isn't abuse the point is irrelevant.    Point to note, abuse and dismembering of animals is a VERY strong indicator of future deviant behavior and should be taken VERY SERIOUSLY.

Here are my thoughts on that...

Poor Kris Humphrey's, his tiny wife dumped him after only 72 days of wedded (bliss?).  The websites are all speculating if it was a sham marriage, staged for tv or if the love they shared was real.  Personally, I'm disgusted by the over the top wedding and the money that was spent on something that would be dead in 10 weeks.  It's not like buying a dozen roses where you love them this week because they are pretty and throw them out next week when they start to smell.  This commitment is supposed to be for the long haul - oh and no one said it wouldn't be hard.

In addition to enjoying the made for tv drama, many web sites and folks are also saying "sure Kim K. can get married for 72 days, but heaven forbid we should let gay people ruin the sacred bonds of marriage."

You've met me and know that I'm not against allowing same sex couples legally marry.  I understand that for some folks, their religion and upbringing has given them fervent and closely held beliefs that being gay is wrong, a sin or against the laws of God.  I respect that perspective, just as I respect the rights of those who don't choose to worship the same way I do to do it how or if they want.  My religion does not and should not affect the rights of others.

As much as I support the rights of all consenting adults to marry whom they like, I think the argument that another failed Hollywood marriage is evidence that they should be allowed to marry is tired.  I understand the logic, my gay friends are being told that getting married would hurt the sanctity of marriage (um, crock of crap btw) and then day after day there are public displays of people spitting on their vows.  Why shouldn't they point to Kim Kardashian, Britney Spears and others who have spectacularly failed to live up to the intention of marriage as proof that they (as a gay community) couldn't hurt it anymore than the rest of us.

I hope that one day "we" figure out that gay people are, and hold on to your shorts for this idea, the same as everyone else.  Let me say that again for clarity - gay people are normal people.  They will fail at marriage just as much as non-gay people, they will marry for money, status, security, popularity, health insurance and pretty bowls from Tiffany's just as often as the rest of us.  Some will stay married forever because that's the commitment they made, some will divorce when life gets hard, some will come out as straight and leave their families, some will cheat, some will get bored, some will find themselves and have to move on.  When those things happen to straight couples we sit back and say "whew, thank goodness it's not me" or "I wish I had that courage" but never ever do I think that what is happening at Tiger Woods' house or in the hotel suite the Kardashian's are being filmed at this week makes one iota of difference in my house.   My respect for marriage is not lessened by the thousands of couples that were allowed to marry in New York - in fact, seeing people that have been denied that right for years see their dream come true touched my heart.

So, should we stop imposing our religious beliefs on an entire population of people- yes.  Should we allow gay marriage because they couldn't do it any worse than we do - not really.  We should legalize it because it hurts no one and once we get over ourselves and our superiority on this topic we can focus on things that matter like Lindsay Lohan's latest court outfit and Justin Bieber's virginity or maybe hunger and homelessness.  Oh shoot, now I'm talking crazy.

Happy 2nd Anniversary

What's up - the 6 month Lucy update

With lots of world events to comment on I know you've been sad to see the never ending display of baby pictures and the oh so targeted (to grandmas) videos of Lucy eating, but this is still a baby post.  (I'll do a run-down of my hot button issues in a separate post.)

Let's get the baby stuff out of the way first,  our peanut will be 6 months old on the 1st.  SIX MONTHS old, holy crap.  Before we know it she'll be running up and down the stairs, having friends over, then turn sullen, and boom she'll be off to college.  Right now she is sleeping, which is nice.  "School" is closed today, which worked out well because Jason has the day off and is on Daddy duty.  He did the morning cereal feeding, played with her until 9:00 when the AM nap became evident.  (You know, when I want a nap at 9 am, people accuse me of being lazy but when the baby does it, it is fine.  She gets away with everything.)

Napping Peanut

Lucy still puts herself to sleep at night without too much fuss.  We have a bath, a bottle, read a little and then down she goes.  Sometimes she fusses for a few minutes, sometimes she's silent before we hit the bottom of the stairs, last night she wasn't tired at 6 so we played until 7 when the eye rubs (the international Lucy clue that sleep is needed) became consistent.  Since we're trying to move the 6:00 pm bedtime up the extra hour of awake was great.  I don't think we've completely migrated to a new bedtime, but we're seeing hopeful signs.

We have a trip to Denver in our future and I'm worried that the time change will be enough to mess with the progress we've made.  However, it should work in our favor while we're there, getting to sleep into 7am local time will be nice.  When we head to Maui and the three hour time difference is in the other direction that could be ugly.  She'll be a year old at that point and hopefully more adaptable on her sleep schedule. A mother can hope, right?

For naps, sometimes Lucy needs a little coaxing to relax.  Just now she was in her crib crying, so I picked her up and snuggled her until she relaxed.  It is a dangerous, but super satisfying action.  Her little body relaxed on me is a really maternal feeling.  I certainly don't want her to get in the habit of having to be rocked to sleep, which is why even with the pre-nap snuggles I make an effort to place her in her crib before she's fully asleep.

Skill wise, she's on fire these days.  She hit a developmental milestone that may seem trite, but she's able to move objects from one hand to another, and she's reaching like mad for stuff.  You should see her go for the tub toys that are floating just out of reach.  She can do full yoga moves to get what she wants. 

She's sitting up with little assistance and the face plops are few and far between.  Mostly she needs help not falling sideways or when she arches back not to whack her head on the floor.   She's interacting with her toys a lot more too.  In addition to the crinkly toys that were so popular at first, she's digging the balls and the toy cars that Jason brought home.  I like that it won't be all dolls, and kitchen toys in our house - toys that Dad likes are ones that Dad & Lucy can play together.

We head to the pediatrician on Monday and will get the official weigh in and our instructions for the next few months.  I think of these as report cards and am happy when we get a good review.  I'll update you all with the stats on Tuesday.

For Grandma Georgia