Tuesday, January 31, 2006

FOR SALE: One Soul

Hi, my name is Tim. My soul is for sale.

I have systematically hurt the state of Washington and now I have my sights set on hurting mankind. First I'll start by proposing that it's ok to discriminate against gays, (horrid sinners) then I'll take on fat people (slovenly lazy dumbies - I do like that they are jolly, but that's not enough to keep them around). Once those easy targets are done, I'll move to black people (I don't need to say anything here) and them eliminate rights and equal pay for women (I mean come on, you don't really thing the ladies are as smart or as worthy as men do you?). It wil be a glorious day when I'm done.


Monday, January 30, 2006

ah... a blissful weekend "away"

My two favorite chums and I rented a waterfront bungalow (daylight basement) on Bainbridge Island this past weekend. What a delight!

We slept in, read, talked until all hours of the night, explored Winslow, explored the bakery, shopped, played Boggle and relaxed for three days. We topped off our weekend "away" with a trip to IKEA. I have to say it was nice to turn off the tv and just be.

IKEA is always fun. Most of the furniture is small - but they have some great storage options.

Getting back to work today wasn't too terrible. It's hard to get my head in the game - but after two hours, I'm fully immersed.

My home was occupied while I was away by a friend who is getting a divorce. My cat was calmer than he would be if he didn't have a friend to hang out with. It's unfortunate that my pal has to endure sadness and personal agony for my cat to have a companion.

As I was spending time with SadGuy last night he said something along the lines of "I decided that we are going to ...."
and I was all like "um, why do you get to decide that for me?"
and he was all "I'm going through a divorce, I'm entittled to be a little selfish right now"
and I'm all like "Ok, how long are we going to have to live with that kind of decision making?"

I'm all for supportive friendship for as long as it takes. He didn't want to get a divorce and he's sad, but that doesn't entitle him to choose every movie or make every restaraunt choice for all eternity. I maybe rushing things, it's only been two weeks, so I will cut him a little slack.

In more better news (I've lost all will to use like my high school english skills) tomorrow is bonus pay out day! I'm considering a big purchase of a new home computer. I've got my eye on the iMac and am mulling over the risk of a combo monitor/cpu configuration. I can't imagine the risk is any greater with the iMac than it would be with a laptop. I'm not excited about a tower and monitor configuration. Anyway -- no decisions have to be made anytime soon and I will report back on the final outcome.

have a great week.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Lemmings to the left...

Well, now that Oprah says James Fay, author of A Million Little Pieces is a liar (see Seattle Times article from today) I HATE that guy. He sucks. His book sucks. All recovering drug addicts suck... don't read his book no matter how entertaining or engaging or educational or inspirational you might find it.

Here's a picture of Oprah telling James how people hate him, how he's worthless and how he should just crawl back into the muck

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

A Million Little Pieces: the controversy

A couple of Seattle residents today filed what they hope to turn into a class action law suit against the publisher and author of the "non-fictional" book A Million Little Pieces. The Seattle Times reports that the pair is seeking damages for "lost time" they spent reading the book.

Say it with me people: Pu-Leeze! Get over yourselves.

I've read this book (in three days) and I thought it was great. Not since the Bridges of Madison County have people gone so gaga over a book. (Note to readers: BoMC - was over rated and was fiction written to look like non-fiction. It does NOT earn a recommendation from me.) Back to the point, I had flight attendants, my airplane seatmate and complete strangers approach me while reading to discuss the book. They ALL basically said "Isn't that book awesome?"

For the ten of you who haven't read the book here's the synopsis: James wakes up on an airplane not sure where it's headed. He's covered in blood with a hole in his face. His parents kindly drop him into re-hab where he sobers up and learns to live with his addictions.

I found it hard to read at times because his account of the experience was so graphic and yet it really made me think about my own life (no, not doing any drugs if that's what yer thinkin') and I was amazed at his ability to portray a population of people that I really would rather not have over to my house for dinner in a new way.

The controversy is that the Smoking Gun web site did a background check on the author and found that they couldn't verify everything in his non-fiction book.

I will admit that when I read non-fiction that I expect things to be true - but I also know all too well that the truth can be BO-RING! I am not at all offended that this dude (and possibly his editors) took some license with sequence, collapsing characters, and over emphasizing certain events to make the book a better read. I promise you that if you think everything I have noted in the blog is 100% accurate you are in for a surprise!

Other authors have been criticized for taking the same license with their life stories, and I wonder if all autobiographies by default have at least one inaccuracy. You can only remember things how you remember them - as I remember it, I broke up with my high school boy friend, he did NOT dump me because I was too clingy and needy. (well, maybe that sounds a little familiar -- but believe you me, when my auto biography is published I'm gonna be the injured party.) I've read autobiographies where portions of the subjects life is left out -- does that mean the books are worthless? (In the case of Beryl Markham who omitted all references to her children during the span of the book, but managed to leave in her love life... yes it does!)

Anyway these yahoos hopefully don't have a shot in hell of getting compensation for lost time to read A Million Little Pieces. Frankly, I still recommend this book to everyone in spite of the controversy.

Thank you and have a nice day!

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Ok kids put the shotguns away, it's storytime!

Girl accidentally shot at Md. day care

This headline makes me wonder about a few things:

1) Whatever happened to crayons at day care?
2) If the girl was shot accidentally, what was the shooter really aiming at?
3) Do parents get a discount if their kids bring their own guns rather than using the day care provided guns?
4) How to they know which gun belongs to which kid? Are they tied to the kid with yarn?
5) If the kids are inclined to bring guns to day care, maybe they should think about increasing the quality of the snacks... I don't think graham crackers are cutting it anymore.
6) Does the teacher send home a note with the shooter: "Mrs. Smith, Billy earned three gold stars and a marksman badge today."
7) If the kids have hand guns, do the teachers have nuclear weapons? "I said it's time to be quiet Suzie. I'll only count to three and then I'll have to WMD your ass!"
8) Do they keep the ammo with the art supplies?

Seriously folks... lock up your guns! If your child can or does break through your super secret storage locations (under the bed, in the night stand, in the back of the closet...) you should go to jail. This is one of the rules in TPtown - it's a world governed by me and I promise you it's not a good place to made stupid mistakes.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Warning: contains the plague and sex toys

I had dinner last weekend with friends. It was Chris' birthday so we met downtown (Renton) to try the newly re-opened McGowans. It has a fancy new name, taupe paint and hand-blown glass lights over the tables. The food was pretty good, the drinks were weak and while the dinner was fun I'm not sure it will be tops on my list of places to visit in the future.

Chris has a super cute three year old who for all outward appearances is a normal happy child. She is, however, teaming with diseases. I'm pretty sure that this is not just her problem - but more generally I believe that ALL three years olds are carriers of no less than 100 viruses including the plague. Someone alert the CDC, there's a 3 year old on the loose!

After a short gestation period, I was sitting on the bus and felt the urge to clear my throat. One short cough and all hell broke loose in my body. My back hurt, I felt weak and cold and my nose started to fill with unknown substances.

It has been three days and I’m looking forward to a weekend of Nyquil induced napping and possibly finishing the season one dvd’s of LOST. Upon achieving wellness, I will promptly run to Chris’ house and kick her ass. I will of course, suit up in a bio-hazzard outfit so as not to get the next strain of ebola that I'm sure Suzie McCute is handing out this week.

On a separate note, I just recieved a shipment of umbrellas that I ordred as give aways for a conference my company is hosting in February. The umbrellas have form fitting gel handles. Every person who has touched the handle has commented that it feels like something purchased from an adult toy store. Good CRAP, I've purchased a flacid penis for the chief security officers of MICROSOFT, BankofAmerica, IBM, HP, Chevron, Shell... and the list goes on and on! Welcome to Seattle, here's your sex toy!

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

It's Mood Hair...

Sorry fella's - this is another post about my hair. Who knew girls could write or care so much about something so silly?

After living with the "Orange" hair for a few weeks and growing in a good half inch of "roots" I finally made an appointment to have my mane professionally color corrected.

During the color consultation the hair mistress suggested something absurd... dye my hair its true natural color and add in some highlights. What in the world was she thinking... my true natural color! I haven't been my true color since 1986 when SUN-IN hit the market.

Well, after getting up off the floor I agreed to go "natural". Turns out... I'm not blonde anymore. I may have been the Arian Posterchild in 1976 but in 2006, I'm more Ali McGraw than Ali McBeal. It's a little shocking to me, but pretty.

The highlights are a little too zebra stripy for my taste, but I think it will be easily corrected at the next highlight touch up session in 4 to 6 weeks.

Next time you see me... if you hate the 'natural color' keep it to yourself, because it's really me and I'm going to stick with it for a while.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Local Woman Overcomes Obesity

My friend Janie cracks me up. She can bring a smile to my face every time we talk. We’ve known each other since 5th grade and were friends all through school except that one year where I was fickle (according to her mother.) No matter how true it was, I can tell you it was a shock to hear that an adult thought ill of me at the age of 12.

Janie and I reconnected after college and we spent a lot of time in our twenties enjoying the big city life of Seattle. Some of my least mature moments have happened with Janie as well as some of my most slutty moments! (Sorry Mom) That’s another story that we won’t go into but I will say that there has been at least one really fun Fleet Week in my past. Who names their son John Johnson?

Anyway, Janie married a very nice, hard working, family oriented man and moved north to an amazing land called “Everett”. She’s now a stay at home mom with two kids, one father-in-law and a mini-van. She is happy and living the American dream.

No matter where our lives take us, when we get on the phone the friendship connection is as strong as if we have spent every day together. She’s the only person who could take a shitty situation and make it funny. She still laughs about the time I got my period during high school. It was everywhere and I didn’t realize it until I had walked through the entire school from one class to another. Of course she acknowledges the horrific embarrassment of the event, but thinks it’s funny because if you don’t find the humor you would never get out of bed and go back to school. I let her get away with it because for every dumb stupid thing I do, she does similar things that she’s not afraid to tell me about. We spend a lot of our time telling each other the stupid things we do, and it’s a nice reality check.

When talking with her the last time Janie told me she had been asked to be in the background of a photo for the local paper. Janie’s friend Sue, a personal trainer, had lost over 50 pounds a number of years ago, and the story was supposed to be a glorification of the triumph of Sue and her battle of the bulge. Janie confirmed with the photographer the pictures were of Sue. Janie had rushed to the gym and hadn’t taken time to do her hair or put on any makeup – I mean why would you want to dress up to work out?:(Maybe because there was going to be a photographer there!) I mean come on, this is the same gal who took the time to shave her legs while she was in labor so that the nurse wouldn’t have to feel her leg stubble during the birth – she should have known better.

When the paper came out the picture on the front page was huge and showed Janie and Sue side by side, and the headline read: Small changes helped local woman defeat obesity. The end of article explained it was Sue who overcame obesity by losing 50 pounds not before explaining that Sue had helped Janie lose over 40 pounds. Janie is happy with her physically fit self, but doesn’t think it qualifies as newsworthy. Much to her horror, her in-laws, neighbors, grocery store clerks and gas station attendants are recognizing her from the paper and are congratulating her on her success. She is a celebrity!

All I can really say is way to go Janie! You’re an example for all woman kind!

Monday, January 09, 2006

Look who's looking?

People thought John Lennon was a nut for saying that the government was spying on him, and oops it turned out to be true.

I'm discouraged but not surprised that Bushie would admit that he's tapping our phones. "If Al Qaida is calling you, we want to know why." Well so do I, I'm on the Al Qaida do-not-call list, so technically Bushie shouldn't be taping my phone. However, as a member of the online community who has voiced my extreme displeasure over Bushies plan for the world, I'm sure I'm on a list. A small potatoes list - but a list.

I do believe that all traffic on the Internet is monitored and not just unencrypted traffic ALL of it.

I just wish that Al Qaida wasn't the excuse for everything our government is doing. It's getting old.
We're invading Afghanistan... Al Qaida!
Invading Iraq. Saddam=Al Qaida (oil)
We think Iran is a threat. Al Qaida (oil)
We're tapping the phones of CNN Reporters. Al Qaida (Christiana A. is a ruthless B who tells the "truth" we'll fix her!)
We're going through your garbage. Al Qaida
Oil prices are out of control. Al Qaida (greed)
The economy is teetering on a dangerous edge. Al Qaida
There are people going hungry in America. What people?

I'm a patriot who's discouraged. I'm not going to go so far as Harry Belefonte and suggest that Bushie is the worlds most egregious terrorist. I think some of his predecessors may still be in the lead.
Bushie v. Hitler winner: Hitler
Bushie v. Pol Pot winner: Bushie
Bushie v. Saddam winner: Saddam (which is why it's tricky)
Bushie v. Ramsey Youssef winner: Bushie (Ramsey was a patsy)
Bushie v. Osama winner: Osama (dead) so second runner up?

Now I've gone and done it... I might be on a bigger list now. My hair clip is already on a do not fly list -- what else can they do to me?

Sunday, January 08, 2006

My bad hair travel day

I have to teach a class in Chicago on Monday and apparently the only flight to Chicagoland was at 8:45 Sunday morning. So, after a whirlwind day Saturday of trying to 'relax' and still get all the weekend chores done I went to bed early so the 5:30 am alarm wouldn't be too horrid. It was.

The nicest thing I can say about leaving the house at 6:50 on a Sunday morning is that traffic doesn't suck.

My hairclip set off the security detector, and the surly burly TSA (wanker) made me take it out of my hair rather than use the wand. Honestly, I think the security measures we have to deal with are fine, but my hair clip!? Clearly, this guy doesn't now, nor ever has lived with a woman. I was pissed that he wouldn't even consider 'wanding' me and don't tell me it's for my own safety -- if they can wand the belt region they can wand my skull. My hair looked like crap after the clip came out.

I did manage to finagle a first class upgrade for the flight so I was cozy and comfortable when we left the gate but then had to return for two hours because of a communication error. My main complaint about the flight wasn't the delay but the inattentive flight attendant. This guy may have forgotten that 'attendant' is part of the job description. Mr. Service stood in the 'galley' pouring himself 3 (THREE) cups of coffee while the coach class attendants passed out water to the other passengers. He tried to talk the other attendant out of providing any beverage service while we waited. "Why would you pass out water, they can wait" he said. I was surprised by his lack of interest in his passengers. He never did bring out coffee (even during the flight) and to make us feel even more ignored he didn't pick up our service items.

I know that I sound silly and petty but for right this minute I am.

After checking into the lovely AmeriSuites hotel in Vernon Hills, Il I went out again to scout out the 'neighborhood' and try to locate a grocery store. I hit the 'Dillards' which is Chicago for Safeway and noticed a SuperTarget across the street. This isn't your average Target -- but a "Super" Target. I might go check it out tomorrow after work -- I hope it's not too super, I didn't pack a bag.

It could be hard to go to sleep tonight, but thanks to the early start and the extra lengthy flight I might be able to hit the hay 'on Chicago time.' I do love that nightly programming starts early out here. It's nice to stay 'up' for late night tv and still be in bed by 10. That's not reason enough to move East, but I can like it.

I'm realizing this entry is a little more "at 10am I got out of bed and chose the blue socks with the pink stripe" than I normally post - but I've had a bad hair day.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

the problem of two stews

As I mentioned in the last entry I was bit by an industrious bug over the New Years' break and not only cleaned and organized the condo I also cooked up two pots of stew for the book club ladies. Well, frankly they didn't eat enough of the stew and I've got bowls of it every where. It's like a Dr. Seuss book in my house:

Bowls of stew in my shoes, in my tub and on my couch
Pots of stew in my plants, in my pants and on my slouch
There are spoons of stew on my telly, in my belly and in my pouch

I've got stew in tupperware, in underwear and under there,
I've got doles of stew in holes and in big round bowls.

Heaps and deeps of smelly stew is on the floor
There are piles and miles of stew waiting by the door
I've even taken a pound to the neighbor who cried "No MORE!"

I've got stew under my pillow and by the willow, and it's just a hunch
that I'll be eating stew for ages every dinner, every breakfast and of course lunch

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

And it starts all over again...

Today is my least favorite day of the year. The holidays are over, and everyone is back to work. The bus was crowded this morning for the first time in weeks and traffic was a mess.

I took my little office tinsel tree down on Thursday before I left the office and now every trace of holiday cheer is gone.

The extended holiday weekend was great, and while I enjoyed Christmas with my parents (brother dear didn't come) an extended weekend at home was delightful. The NYE celebration was fun and while I don't think I drank too much, I did mix it up, gin, lemon drops, and champagne... my head hurt like a mother the next morning. Thankfully because the holiday fell on a weekend, MegaBank gives us the next weekday as a holiday. (Heaven forbid we shouldn't get our 10 holidays off each year. ) I was able to spend one day on the couch under a blanket with my book and one day being productive in my condo.

My productive day was exciting. I managed to finally take a car load of CRAP to Goodwill (no, not junk... CRAP.) I cleaned cupboards, ditched all sorts of things I haven't used in forever. A quick stop at LampsPLUS yielded the perfect floor lamp for my living room. The holiday decorations are not only put away, but sorted by color and type. The home made crafty ones that I love but never use are now safely stored together, while the ornaments I've been collecting are sorted for easy access next year.

I'm hosting book club at my house tonight, so I also spent the day making a yummy stew for the gals. Actually, I made two... one with meat and one without. I may be eating stew for a million years. I also baked a cake. day off and I'm Martha-f*ing-Stewart. Actually, the trick is not to turn on the TV. That's my new year’s resolution - exercise and don't turn the TV on as a matter of habit when walking in the door at night.

Ok - it's like 8:17 a.m. and I must really get to work. All the things that I put off last year are waiting for me, and I have to earn the $10 a day they are paying me.

Happy New Year!