He's checking your mail

Barack Obama 10:00 AM (4 hours ago) 
to TPgal 

I was just going over the mail in your inbox and wanted to drop you a line to say, bwahahaha you're rather funny! 

These guys are standing around waiting on me to finish up so we can talk about budgets, but my heart isn't in it.  They think I'm busy because they can hear the clicking of my keyboard.  Fools, they can just wait.

Barack 
Sent from the Oval O

Um...

There's a trend in Internet advertising where it seems the advertisers are pulling random photos of real people from somewhere (facebook perhaps?) for to help sell their goods. This particular ad grouping struck me as funny. The buff grandpa is well matched for the add, but the VERY large toothless lady to promote a wrinkle removal solution is odd. I've tried the gain as much weight as you can to fill out the skin to avoid wrinkles but it just simply doesn't work.

Lastly, I wonder what the secret to a good night sleep wtih the lady in the last picture could be? I didn't know that motorboating had a sleep inducing effect on people.

The other trend is to pull key words from your profile or email discussion and fine tune the advertisements to "you". This doesn't actually work when, for example, you have a former employer listed who went out of business in a firey flame ball - "Hey current Washington Mutual employees, get discounts on cars now!" Er... maybe the back end logic of that system is flawed.

May 21, 2011

In spite of the fact that some folks think that the end of the world is coming soon, predicted by the end of the Mayan calendar December 21, 2012, another date that is being thrown around is actually rapidly approaching.  This Saturday has been predicted to be the rapture... wait let me rephrase that.  It is THE RAPTURE.

Christians all over the world will be taken to heaven when Jesus comes back Saturday.  This is a bummer because I have a 9am hair appointment and I don't want to be charged a no show fee.  I probably shouldn't assume that I'll be part of the raptured, I'm pretty sarcastic and snarky.  My bad attitude towards my neighbors and their bed sheet curtains might be enough to pull me out of the running for being part of the chosen community.

Jason and I have been talking about what we should do.  We've decided to go ahead and spend all of our money.  Dinners out are on the agenda until Saturday, and I think we need to take the baby to el Goucho.  She can't leave this world without having gummed a really good steak.  Heck, we're even going to gas up the cars with premium gas and just drive around going nowhere. 

Furthermore, I'm not doing ANY more laundry.

We have an appointment tomorrow with a financial planner and I can't wait to look her in the eye and tell her we don't need any investment plans.  If Saturday is it and you're left behind please stop by my house and water my new rose bush.  It deserves a chance at life - even in a post apocalyptic world.

For the record the official timeline looks like this:

2011 AD—On May 21^st, Judgment Day will begin and the rapture (the taking up into heaven of God’s elect people) will occur at the end of the 23-year great tribulation. On October 21^st, the world will be destroyed by fire (7000 years from the flood; 13,023 years from creation).

It looks like you'll have to keep my rose alive only for a few months.  Then I guess it will be destroyed by fire.  Bummer.

See you later!

It must be true!

 Too bad I'm not a beer drinker...motherhood sounds wonderful when you're a case of beer in!

Then there's this response to the election

see more Failbook

Project Runway: Fail

I am a fan of this show.  It is one of only three reality shows I can handle.  Project Runway is a competition show where they bring 12 or 18 or however many clothing designers together and make them cobble together outfits in a day and then whittle down to the top three or four who get to show a collection during fashion week in New York.  It is catty and wonderful. 

The finale was last night and I tell you I am irritated by the winner they chose.  The Interweb is abuzz today with loathing and sadness for the fan favorites. 

Here are a couple of fun, bitchy comments from blog posters:

"I feel like the ultimate backhanded compliment was Jessica telling Gretchen that, 'my sister would love your clothes'. REALLY?!?! Who wants to dress like Ashlee Simpson? "

"Caca couture. Gretchen's line is 100% inside-out Huggies.  "

I know she's a Northwest girl who got dumped by the fella while she was filming the show, but she was unkind and flat out rude to other designers INCLUDING Tim Gunn.  No one messes with Tim Gunn.

  My favorite was Mondo (see the little cutie) his style was unique and fun.  Granted, I can't wear most of his things, but if his prints were translated into ready to wear, I'd be dropping some coin. 

Is it Kentucky Derby Time?

Las Vegas is a hoot. In addition to gambling (which I apparently suck at) there are lots of stores to take your money. The FENDI store has many trendy things that most people can't or shouldn't afford. This window display certainly didn't draw me into their store, but I think I shall follow this trend and wear a pillow hat all the time to cover my bad hair days.

The 80's are dead. Here's proof

Any bets that this man is single?

see more dog and puppy pictures

1000 Posts!

Golly Mrs. Cleaver, you sure are prolific.

I don't know if anything I've ever written here has been worthy of the generous time you give me to read, but I've sure had fun doing it. I don't see an end in sight, but sure don't think any one will EVER knock on my door to ask to pay me to do this.

I'm witty, but prone to distraction or worse, will get caught up in a topic like bad customer service and beat it to death. DULL.

Current events are something I keep up on but my just left of center views are not unique enough to warrant wide distribution.

I'm also finding that sarcasm doesn't translate to income. HA! It has for a select few - Dennis Miller, and those folks on FOX news. Oh wait, they aren't trying to be funny when they question the Presidents citizenship? (To be fair to you FOX news fans... I am 100% aware that my beloved NPR slants their messaging too... yes it is "liberal" but at least it's not about ratings.)

Jason and I were talking about the news media outlets and we agree that until the "news" is not subject to ratings and not dependent on advertising for financial support we will continue to have Entertainment News - like MSNBC, FOX and even the "big" networks. I'm not sure what the solution is - print media is suffering these days, and the idea of government funded news frightens me.

I, like many people in my peer group, am guilty of getting most of my news from the Internet, where all things truthful can be found! Most Internet outlets get their news feeds from the AP - which gets their stories from reporters on the street "getting the story". If newspapers die (RIP Seattle Post Intelligencer) then who will feed the AP? Perez Hilton? That's a good idea if you only care where Jessica Alba is today.

Lastly, no celebration blog of 1000 posts would be complete without news of the wedding!


I picked up my dress today. Here's a photo!


You didn't think you were getting anything but a close up did you?

Thanks again for being a reader! ( i love you too Mom!)

Bwahahaha

Thanks Lori for the link to the Cake Wreck's website where these gems and more can be found:
















Oh my... this is not the way to get students to come to class!























Er.. Congratulations? Looks more like they forgot to add the "Sucker!" at the end of the note.















"Happy G'dam birthday from Thomas the train."

The Wedding is Off!

When things start to go wrong I think it is best to just throw in the towel and be done with the whole thing.

While waiting for my lunch to cook I fielded a phone call from the fortune cookie lady. She had the worst news EVER. It turns out that the message that was supposed to go in the chocolate cookies was printed into the red cookies and the red cookie messages were put in the chocolate cookies.

THAT'S IT; I QUIT!


In all seriousness, she sounded pretty scared to tell me. In fact, she was about to offer to have them redone. I can not imagine being the kind of person who would really care about such a thing - but based on her tentative tone I'm sure that person exists. We'll see what happens.

UPDATE:

I called Martha Stewart and she told me it would be ok to have the cookies swapped and that no one would ever know, or care, so I guess the wedding is back on.

Whew.

uh... art imitating life?

Hey Dumbass....

Last night after viewing the exciting Star Trek movie Jason and I jumped into the elevator at Lincoln Square.

We were with a hodgepodge of normal people, folks from the movie, Microsoft people just leaving work and this kid (maybe 25) who was on his phone. We were on floor 2 and he's talking.

Floor 1 opens, a few people get in and we head to the basement parking structure.

The doors open on B2 (aka 2 floors below ground) and no one gets off. Kid is still talking.

The doors open on B3 and 1 person gets off and the phone talker realizes he missed floor B2. We all kind of chuckle at the kid who was so "busy" on the phone that he missed his floor.

B4 - A few more people get off and the kid loses his call and starts bitching. "Jeez what kind of shitty service to I have that I can't keep a call in an elevator!?" He was really peeved.

Multiple people informed him that he was five stories below the surface of the earth and that no one had cell service down that far. Just maybe the concrete tunnel that the metal elevator goes up and down in also hurts service.

The remainder of the people got off the elevator at B5 and as the doors shut to take him to B2 - we all started laughing and mocking him.

The ones with the low IQ are chewy and get caught in my teeth

see more pwn and owned pictures

Fear Selling

This is long, but from an actual wedding vendor website:

You open your eyes. A hazy mist lingers around you. Pushing open heavy oak doors, a familiar melody plays sweetly from an organ, beckoning you into the room. Bewildered, you take a hesitant step forward with one white satin shoe. Soaking in your surroundings, you survey the room. You peer into faces of loved ones, those you have known all your life. Your feet, transfixed with the rhythm of the music, make a steady pace down the aisle. Loved ones gaze in adoration at you, smiling tear-streaked faces mouth the words, "She's so beautiful," and "My how lovely her dress is."

"My dress?" You think. Glancing down, you see yourself clothed in flowing white, a delicate veil covers your face. The gown is topped off with a beautiful headpiece, the finishing touch to your wedding ensemble. Your wedding! Could this be? Hurriedly, your eyes skim the front, and you notice him. Your beaming fiancée, looking handsome in his tuxedo and staring at you with love and devotion. All doubts and jitters immediate fly out the stained-glass chapel window as you lock eyes with his. Tremors of happiness flow through your body, as you realize with calm assuredness that this is the man you will love to spend the rest of your life with.

A beautiful smile of happiness appears on your face. Suddenly your eyes fill with tears. Oh no! A horrific thought creeps into the back of your consciousness. Frantically, you scan the room, and yes! There it is! Choking back screams of terror, you discover your worst nightmare has come true. The florist forgot to take the lilacs out of the wedding bouquet! You are allergic to lilacs! Uncontrollable tears from the sensitive reaction begin to flow freely down your face. Absentmindedly, you wipe your face with a gloved hand, and realize you aren't wearing waterproof mascara. Streaks of black makeup stain your veil and glove. Distraught, you yank your makeup smeared hands away, only entangling them in yards of fabric from your veil. Suddenly your nose starts to twitch. No. Oh please no. Then it happens. Like an erupting volcano that cannot be stopped you let out a tremendous sneeze. The impact whiplashes your head backwards, causing your headpiece to slip, blanketing your face. The moments are frozen in time as everything takes on a slow motion speed. Now blinded by your veil, you frantically flap your arms in confusion, trying to set them free of the spider web veil that now has consumed your whole body in its net. Fluttering about, you blindly knock over the laughing ring bearer, sending him tumbling down the aisle, and the ring flies into the crowd of gawking spectators. A moment of silence hushes over the crowd, but then all chaos breaks loose. Guests are on hands and knees, transforming into a mass of yelling officials shouting and scrambling around like pigs to find the ring.

You let out a scream of terror . . . and find yourself upright in your bed with beads of perspiration rolling off your forehead. It was only a dream. Nightmare more like it. Taking in gulps of air, you let yourself settle down before you pick up the phone and double check with the florist.

There might not be lilac at your wedding, but a loose and awkward headpiece can be the cause of many wedding disasters. To prevent this nightmare from occurring at your wedding, follow these headpiece saving steps.

How do I keep my headpiece on? Follow these simple tricks of the trade and your wedding will be a piece of cake.

Apparently, all will be right with the world if I select a perfect fitting veil for 9/19.

Don't mind the big cliff...

From my hometown newspaper:

No Child Left Inside' brings LB 5th graders to North Head

CAPE D - Thursday, Feb. 19, fifth graders from Long Beach Elementary were treated to the third in a series of "No Child Left Inside" outdoor classroom experiences.

...uh, if they aren't performing are they pushed off the edge of the North Head Lighthouse bluff??

The bubble

I've been accused of being in a "Love Bubble" in the blog-o-sphere and am making an effort to get back to my "witty" "smart" and "enjoyable" content. But, I'm not making that effort right now. (lol)

Today, I will bore you with horrific wedding details.

As a 40 year old bride there are things that work and things that just don't. Pink - as a color scheme frankly loses its oomph after the age of 34. The bubble skirt is also a monstrous look that on anyone over the age of 16 looks silly and stupid. (My apologies if you are wearing a bubble skirt right now... but TAKE IT OFF, it is WRONG.)

Things that work for a 40 year old bride - paying your own way. Making decisions and only having to make one other person happy is great. I can't imagine trying to explain to my mom why the sable colored organza ribbon printed with our names is important. (For the record - no such item has been discussed, has been ordered, nor is in the works.)

Today we discussed and decided on a fun thing for the wedding. We researched and purchased photo booth services (you know, like the penny arcade thing) for the wedding. Our guests will get to take home the photos they take and we ( J&I) will get a CD with all the pictures. We think it will be a groovy interactive activity.

Plus, we will set it up next to the second bar, so we are confident that as that bar gets action the pictures will get more and more "special". No nudity though- there will be an attendant. (Yes, Jody I am talking to you!)

Other things that are awesome about being a 40 year old bride is the ability to strongly say no to a vendor, caterer, florist, or whomever without the worry that I'm hurting any one's feelings, or being "bridezilla." "I SAID NO to the 'Macarena'! I'm sure I will instill fear in the heart of the DJ when I explain my adamant desire to have ONLY the approved country music played. I don't have friends in low places, so there's no reason to let ANYONE sing about it. Should someone bring Garth Brooks to the wedding as a guest, I suppose I MIGHT let it happen, but that's my only contingency plan.

Holy crap, that was a hell of a lot of "me" and "I". Don't judge me, no one will be filming the wedding for a terrible lifetime tv show. I promise to be gracious and happy the whole day no matter what.

The one draw back is that I've been a bridesmaid at so many weddings that my efforts to avoid the things that irritated me are causing a little bit of strife. Apparently you DO have to say that you want certain things. Having a wedding is something I've been waiting for (and it helps with the fact that I found the most neat-o-est of guys) but... being "THE BRIDE" and running the world is not a power trip for me. I was told (kindly) this weekend that I needed to voice my desires rather than negotiate the things that are important. Oh... so actually saying I want to spend the day with my girls vs. trying to fenagle them into spending the day with me is the way to go.

Any who.... as I read this back, I'm realizing that my second glass of wine is effecting my ability to track and record thoughts. So, recapping:

Pink after 40 -- BAD
Bubble Skirt -- BAD
Photo Booth -- Bad Ass (which means GOOD to you old fogey's)
Bridezilla -- BAD
Being Clear on the things that are important to you -- GOOD.
My friends -- Awesome
Second Glass of Wine -- ill advised.

Duh!

This confidentiality disclaimer was on the bottom of an email J received today:

***************** CONFIDENTIALITY DISCLAIMER ******************

The information contained in this e-mail may be confidential. IF YOU RECEIVED THIS IN ERROR, please call the Virginia Mason Privacy Officer at (206) xxx-xxxx. Thank you.

Patients: E-mail is NOT considered secure. By choosing to communicate with Virginia Mason by e-mail, you will assume the risk of a confidentiality breach. Please do not rely on e-mail communication if you or a family member is injured or is experiencing a sudden change in health status.

If you need emergency attention, call 911.

This is the line that got me.... "If you need emergency attention, call 911."

Can you imagine the email that prompted this addition?

To: Dr. Smithson
From: tpgal@dumbass.com
RE: My severed head
Message marked: Urgent

Dr. Smithson,

I accidentally removed most of my head from my body. (LOL) It actually hurts quite a bit, and I'm wondering if I should come in?

Could you mail me back and let me know if it is normal for my head to keep flopping over to the left like this.

THX,

TPgal

Undergarments????

CNN is reporting that the Dalai Lama is in the hospital and I popped over to read the article. This is the photo attached to the story. The woman in the back is the French first lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy.

Do you think that maybe when you're deciding what to wear to an outing with the Dalai Lama that you would wear a BRA????