Sometimes I forget...

You would think that after all the time that has passed after my weight loss surgery that I would remember that I have to be careful what I eat.  That is not the case.

Today I made myself ill by consuming a banana nut muffin.  It tasted really good, but the gummy nature of the muffin and (I'm guessing) the compromised tummy due to the baby caused me to feel immediately sick. 

Throwing up isn't a desired action, but the muffin wasn't going "down" so it had to come up.  Its moments like this that I'm thankful I work at home.  I was able to lay down for 20 minutes and recover.

With a newly cleared tummy I'll be focusing on my water intake. I'm still puffy in the legs - and believe it or not, the cure for water retention is MORE WATER.  Seems counterproductive, but I'll take a full bladder over these stumps.

I don't see myself as Big TP anymore, but I can not eat the way I use to, no matter how much time has passed.  Most of my eating habits are just that, habitual and don't feel strange anymore.  Last night I ate half of my chicken sandwich and a few of the super yummy fries and brought the remainder of my dinner home.  Two hours later when I was hungry again I ate most of the second half of the sandwich.  When I first had my surgery I felt sheepish about dining in public and the amount of food I was either taking home or leaving behind.  Now, I realize that most restaurant portions are enormous and the fact that I make a dent is enough.  Smart ordering also helps take focus off my plate.   It has been ages since I've been asked if my food was acceptable or since the server has offered to not charge me for the food I'm not eating.  (I only let that happen once, and my meal WAS very much undercooked.)



Thankfully, my issues with food digestion don't happen too often.  Usually it is related to sugar intake (I had to break up with ice cream) which may have contributed to the "return of the muffin" and I will remember the sugar issue for a while.   Some treats have to be consumed.  The cake that Jen left behind had to be sampled.  I did make an effort to have a tiny portion, but alas...even the wafer thin slice was too much for me.   The beautiful and tasty cake has been removed from the house and I'm better for it.


So, there is new item to the list of foods to avoid:  Costco banana muffins.  They are tasty, but not kind to me. 

For the record, even after all this time and these issues that pop up I'm still very happy I chose this route.  Being reminded from time to time that what I put in my face still really matters isn't a bad thing.  I know I'm going to have some work to do after Lucy comes, but I'm up for the challenge.  I will get my body back!  Heck, if you believe the pro-breastfeeding hype, I should be back into my pre-pregnancy shape within months.  (I actually think it will take more than a few months, but I'm willing to work at it.)

Slight topic change:  I'm listening to the big iPod, but must be on some strange music play list because I just went from a Rush song to a Christmas carol.  I must do something about that. I can't handle the musical diversity.

Boston

I’ve been at a conference in Boston this week. It has been interesting and informative. I really enjoyed the lengthy discussion and overview of the BP oil spill and how their response and missteps with the press can be applied to any event that may occur in our own companies.

without glasses

with glasses

I haven’t been to this conference since early 2008, and I was only about 3 months out from my surgery and thus was still “big Terri” at that point. I have mostly adjusted to my new stature and don’t really think about it anymore in my daily life, but when I encountered some of the folks who knew me before their reaction is kind of funny. The women flat out say, “wow, you lost weight” and the men, who are trained to never EVER comment on someone’s weight, tend to mention the color of my hair or my glasses.

If I known that these eye glasses would make me look 115 pounds thinner I would have purchased them years ago!

A tiny corner of my vain brain wishes I wasn’t just beginning to show the baby bump, so they could see all the progress that I made, or that I was far more obviously pregnant. No matter, anyone who has had any sort of “catch up” conversation gets to hear about my transition from MegaBank to the current loved employer and the personal transformation of the marriage to my very own Mr. Wonderful and the impending arrival of our Lucy.

I get to come home tonight and while I was excited to come, I’m ready to go home. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to get out and explore this lovely and historic city, but the warmth of home is calling my name loudly.

The other trouble I’m having is that I haven’t adjusted in anyway to the east coast time zone. I was up until 2am (11pm at home) the first night and again last night. I’m tired now, that’s for sure. I hope I don’t sleep the whole way home on the plane. I’ve got movies and a book to keep me busy and we’re all aware that a cocktail will not be in my future.

I’d better get back to the conference topic at hand. Although I did choke on my scone this morning when I saw that the Sr. Director from the organization that MegaBank was given to is on the agenda. I don’t have any animosity towards the MoreMegaBank people, but I’d rather not deal with them any more that I have to – seems like a normal reaction.

The other reason to come back to Boston is the food.  The clam chowder fricking ROCKS.  I'm also finding an unusual after dinner treat on the menu at every venue.  The expected Boston Cream Pie is on the menu, but so is a yummy apple crisp.  I had no idea it was a food associated with this region.  I expected lobster, clam chowder and the BCP, but a warm and gooey apple crisp?  That has been a happy find.

It was as I guessed... wet

So, my mid-morning (early lunch break) yoga experience was great.  I am pleased to report that I have more mobility than I did at my biggest weight - go figure.  I did sweat like a pig (has anyone seen a pig sweat?) but it felt good.  The instructor didn't seem to mind and didn't look at me like I was about to die.

Some of the more "namaste" aspects of yoga might be lost on me,  I'm a spiritual person but to be one with the now is confusing to me.  (I know... be present in THIS moment because it is the moment you have.)  It also took me a couple times to be able to "take in an Ohm".  I was silent during the first Ohm, and then participated a bit with the "whoosh" as we pulled the bad energy out and threw it away but I gave the last "Ohm" the old college try and kind of liked it.

I walked out of the studio feeling stronger than I did walking in.  It certainly is a good work out and very peaceful.  Thankfully, even in the more bendy, open positions there was no tooting.  My biggest fear is to cut a huge fart during a quiet downward dog movement.  I clearly have some room to grow in the flexibility arena, but I enjoyed myself and I will try to work some more classes in.

I have cooled down, enjoyed some much needed food (I forgot to eat before I went to the class) and have finally showered.  I am feeling clean, refreshed and ready to take on the rest of my work day (thankfully, my co-workers can't smell me while I work at my desk in my stinky yoga pants) and then our dinner out tonight.

Stretch...

Well, this could be fun.  Uber cool Pastor Gretchen and I will be partaking in a yoga class tomorrow.  I can sneak it in during my lunch hour and be all nice and bendy for the weekend.  (wait.... that sounded bad.)

I took a few yoga classes earlier in my life, but I was "big TP" then and it is hard to bend when you've got an extra 100 lbs on your frame. I am hopeful that I'll be less awkward this go round.  No matter, I'm excited to do some relaxi-sweat exercise.  I like the gym work outs...but mixing it up is a good idea.

The classes are a whopping $15 to drop in, but since my schedule is so whackadoo (it's a word!) that I can't commit to an "every Wednesday" type class.  I'm just lucky that I can work it in during the day.  The not needing to shower right away to get back to work is nice.

There were folks at the bank that could go running at lunch and quickly clean up and be professional again.  Not me, I turn RED when I work out.  It is not something I can simply turn off.  When RED SWEATY TP shows up at your meeting it is hard not to think she is pissed about something.  (She's not, but she looks it).



By the way do you like my "art"?  I'm wondering if I should stop "borrowing" stuff from the Internet.  Some images must be stolen (Milk-a-what?) but images showing me at yoga or sweaty, can be easily created.  I'm sure I'll either get better at it, or get bored with it.  Either way, it is a win win for you.

A commitment to me

In spite of the fact that the cotton wood trees are kicking my *ss, I made it to the gym this morning. Yeah! I like being on the ball and getting it done before I start my work day. And, since I don't have to get up at 5am to do it, I'm even more happy.

It is a sad fact that in spite of my surgery I have to watch what I eat. I have gained some weight in the last year and it is NOT OK. I'm working on cutting the in between meals to lesser snacks and more healthy choices and drinking more water. A renewed commitment to the gym will help too.

The gain isn't a horrific amount but better to get a handle on it before it is. I knew the surgery wasn't the only thing I would have to do to keep my weight under control, but having gotten to a size I can live with and feel healthy at it is easy to put the self management on the back burner. That can not be. Diligence!

This is going to sound terrible, like self loathing, but it's not. I must remember I am a fat person inside a healthy body. I am capable of eating and lazying (not really a word) my way back to 315. I have the commitment to me and my life that it will not happen and simply relying on my altered anatomy won't cut the mustard. It is an every day, every meal decision to make the healthy choice.

Again... this is not a diet. It is my way of life and I must remember that.

So much for humor today.

Passive Aggressive

In the past I have been known to be slightly passive aggressive, slightly being a nice way of softening my memory of "Bitter TP". Had I been a slave in early America I would have been the princess of the work slow down and maybe hemming the master's pants a tad bit shorter on one side than the other. Small, evil things to bring me joy in a joyless situation. Now, nothing in my life actually compares to the Slave scenario - I'm quite aware of that thank you very much.

This passive aggressive nature of mine is one that I've worked hard to put behind me. Letting it go was part of the TP transformation that has taken place in the last few years. Deciding to be a genuinely happy person was step one. Step two, taking control and so on.

TP 2.0 isn't without her faults, she still has evil, diabolical thoughts and is still quite capable of whining about the most unimportant things. In spite of my continued humanness I am making an effort to be a good and kind person.

A couple weeks ago I posted an entry about a "Lost Friend" and the impact was far wider than I expected. The friend, who I was sure wasn't hitting this site anymore, read the post and reached out. We had a meaningful discussion and found common ground and for that I am very grateful. I am embarrassed that instead of having the guts to just email or call and say "what gives" that I shared my thoughts with "the world" (here) and that it didn't really occur to me that it might be hurtful. My friend didn't say I caused injury, but if the roles were reversed, I'm pretty sure I'd take issue with a public airing vs. direct confrontation. Confrontation being a much stronger word than is necessary, but in the end it was my friend who showed greater character and reached out to me to say "what gives?" (Again, thank you for being the better friend in this situation!)

The other impact was that I've started to get emails from OTHER dear friends asking, "Oh my God, is it me!?" After reassurance I am getting asked very directly (and rightly so) "If I do offend you, please let me know directly and not on your blog."

I hereby promise to take greater care and to not conduct personal emotional business online.

My post wasn't intended to do anything but to work out what I was feeling but I see how it looked and felt differently. For that I'm sorry.

Back to regular business.

For the record, I do have a customer service bitch-fest brewing in my brain, but in light of the Haiti and friend situation it seems wrong and ill timed. I do have enough perspective not to bitch about a couch for our game room that is 6 weeks overdue when almost a million people are living in tents because their (sorry to say it but, already shitty) homes were destroyed.

Back in the saddle

It is such a cliche' to vow to head to the gym after New Years, however, I think the excitement of 2009 is winding down and it is something I need and want to do for myself again.

I feel myself expanding out of my jeans and that is not ok. So, back to it. Less bread, more protein, more activity. I also think it is probably a better idea to think of the gym as a place to unwind vs. a weight loss activity. I don't want to get back to stepping on the scale every day, but instead to focus on how my clothes feel and how not-squishy my legs and arms are.

I've essentially been on a 9 month gym hiatus, and am pleased that my weight gain has only been about 10 pounds. (maybe more, haven't checked since before christmas) So, working out again, more water, and less wine is my new state of mind.

I hope that my friend gets out of his walking cast very soon because I'd like him to join me at the gym. I will go alone if I have to. He understands. We've been married for almost four months now, I think it is ok to do a few things on our own. Not too many mind you...

Manic Monday

You would think a job interview might be the MOST wonderful part of my day... but no it wasn't.

Tonight we strapped my new bike and J's refurbished bike to the back of the Camry and took the bikes for a ride. Wait... that sounds funny. We drove the bikes down our big hill, parked and then rode the bikes.

By the time we were situated it was 5:15 so we only rode for an hour, but since I haven't been on a real bicycle since about 1994 I thought it was amazing! There are lots of trails around here and I think we have found a fun alternate activity to the gym and the dreadmill.

J is now finally signed up on Facebook and is seeking out old friends. (To complete this trip down nostalgia lane, the Michael Jackson Thriller album is blasting through the house.)

Me, I'm logging off and going to shower and then read.

Good night!

Humble

One of my dearest friends gave me a generous and extremely thoughtful gift for my 40th birthday that I am using today.

J and I are headed to the Salish Lodge for spa treatments, a soak in the hydro-therapy room (aka, indoor pool - no kids) and then staying overnight in a lovely room with a soaking tub that overlooks the falls. Tomorrow morning we'll dine on the most fabulous breakfast.

We made dinner reservations for tonight and are planning on dressing up and having date night for our romantic weekend "away."

I am overwhelmed at the kindness of this gift and we will enjoy it to the fullest.

HOWEVER... I had to get a bathing suit today. I figured out last night that we needed suits and I had returned the suits that had been purchased for Greece. With only a few hours to work this out a trip to the mall wasn't practical, so I did my suit shopping at Target. It was nice to be able to shop in the regular section - but OH MY... those suits are for little girls who have no extra bits to cover up. Bikini -- not so much for my 40 year old boobs, and HELL NO for my newly deflated stomach. I did find a demure but not OLD LADY suit that covers most of my trouble spots, but will still be a bit sassy for the fella.

So, while you're enjoying your Saturday, you won't be hearing from me for the rest of the weekend. I intend to be blissed out after my massage and spin in the whirlpool.

Have a lovely one!

Oh my stars

Like everyone else in the new years rush... I have started attending the gym again.

Without going into too much detail, my butt hurts.

It's a good thing, but I'm still a little whiny.

2008 Year in Review

2008...oh my!

Each year at new years I have wished for true love. Last year, I wished for a good year of weight loss, no complications and good health. Imagine my surprise to reach the end of the year and to find myself rolling in everything I've wished for. Sappy... yes, untrue... nope.

Here's my year in review.

January: Back to work after my surgery and onto a normal schedule. I'd lost about 66 pounds since I started my weight loss journey. I was feeling the results in my clothes and spending a lot of time in the closet shopping for things that fit. I foolishly agreed to be on the board at my condo, and for the first time ever weighed less than the number shown on my drivers license. (Month end tally: 66 lbs down, pant size 24)

February: Started out the month getting rid of clothes that no longer fit. 10+ bags to Goodwill. I went on my first business trip since the surgery. It was filled with challenges related to eating socially, but in the end it worked out. My aunt took ill and entered the hospital leaving me as the closest and most able bodied relative to visit and assess the situation. (situation.. BAD!) Month end tally: 75 lbs down, pant size 20)

March: I Still dealing with my aunt, who was bouncing back and forth from the hospital to a nursing home. Most of the things in her house were a total loss due to (understatement of the century coming up) her unfortunate housekeeping skills and thus trips to the dump were occurring at every weekend visit. I had hopes we could move her to an assisted living place and started working on that with a social worker, but by month end it was clear we were dealing with major issues like MRSA. My weight loss took second stage, but I was still moving along. My retirement account posted a 12% loss for the first quarter. Month end tally: 82 lbs down, size 20 )

April: Even though, I was still in the throws of the family situation, I started to think about possibly dating. April 1 I make a reference to looking into Match.com. We moved all of auntie's remaining items to storage . I was still driving to Bellingham every weekend and missing my own life. In an attempt to move things along I signed up on Match.com. No dates; but had a quick 'romance' with some evil scammer. I also joined the gym. ( Month end tally (89 pounds, size 20 )

May: Had one of my credit cards stolen online and had to deal with that, Auntie died in the early part of the month. I felt relief and guilt. I had a minor flirtation at work and enjoyed a weekend with my girl friends in Portland. My huge insurance settlement came in from Auntie, not enough to really do anything, so I decided to let it sit. My gal pal Becky turned 40! Go girl! (93 lbs gone, size 20/18 pants)

June: hang on to your hats folks, the online dating thing took off in June. I went on a date, was talking with one guy and met someone potentially interesting "this guy seems nice, maybe a little too enthusiastic about his family -but practice dates are good too." By the end of the month was feeling pretty good about myself and not at all embarrassed about "playing the field". I finally passed the 100 pound loss mark and bought a pair of pants in a normal store -- not the big lady section, but regular clothes for regular sized people. Sad news, my cat Peter was getting sick and I lost him at the end of the month. (107 lbs lost, size 18 pants)

July: My date with the "nice" guy was great and within a week of that date we agreed to see each other exclusively - but not because I'm smart, but because I'm lucky. The nice guy found my blog and called me out on my multiple dates and in a rare moment of clarity I noticed that he could really be something real. (Thank God for miracles!) By the end of the month, J and I were spending as much time together as we could manage. (118 pounds lost)

August: Turned 40! Had a great party with my wonderful friends. Introduced J to my parents. Found out I posted a document on my companies web site that mistakenly used the word "Pubic" instead of "Public" oops. I was falling in love... really really falling in love. Weekend sleepovers were starting to happen. My people were beginning to express concern as to how fast the 'dating' was turning into something super serious. Well I was willing to take a huge fall; it is my time to be happy! (123 lbs - size 16 pants, size 14 dress for my birthday party!)

September: Planning a trip to Greece in October, I was looking forward to it, and at the same time i was sad about leaving for almost a month. Things at work seemed bleak, the stock price was in the shits and things don't look good for MegaBank. J helped me clear out the storage locker in Bellingham and it was a huge relief to have all of Aunties things resolved. How odd to have someone to willingly help. J finally shares with his parents that not only are we dating, but that things look really serious with us. We talked about getting married for the first time. End of the month, my company was seized by the FDIC and I called off the trip to Greece. (130 - size 16 pants)

October: cancelling the trip sucked, but I was able to meet with people from the new ownership which ultimately resulted in a job offer. J and I had a romantic weekend away in Long Beach, I started to meet some more of his family and by the end of the month we officially became engaged. The love situation has put a big dent in my gym attendance and we vow to return to the gym. (weight... steady at 130 - pants 16)

November: I met J's parents to the first time am waiting to find out if I have a job, I'm thrilled with the election results. Planned a romantic weekend with my guy in a hotel downtown... you have to love the 'staycation.' Bills and collection notices for Auntie are still rolling in. I try to get a head of it, but she's still gone and not bringing in any money. It's a hassle and I'm whiney about it. Thanksgiving goes well - my parents meet J's parents... all is right with the world. It's official, we are living together. (weight... 130 gone, pants 16... but size 14 in jeans)

December: The holidays are here... lots of events. Dinners, parties, cleaning, putting up two trees. Snow, more snow, and then some snow. I basically skip the last two weeks of work due to snow and then an unplanned vacation. I have a job until March, and an offer to move to Manhattan. It's a nice thought, but I'm not going. Christmas goes well in spite of the fact that Mom and Dad don't make it over. New Years Eve is tomorrow and I'm aware that my life is blessed beyond belief. (weight loss 130, size 14 clothes)

Come back for the photo progression next.

1 year anniversary

I was reminded today by a friend that today marks the one year anniversary of my surgery.

ONE YEAR!!! WOW

I'd like to say that it feels like yesterday that I was checking myself into the hospital and waiting with my mom for the surgery team to come gather me, but it doesn't. So much has happened and that person who agreed to go on this nutty journey isn't really here anymore. She pops up every now and then in a fleeting moment of shopping insecurity like when I walk past the big lady section at the mall and I wonder if the sales people in the petite section will let me try on the clothes I've chosen.

I adore that big girl because she took a huge risk that allows me to be where I am today. I hope to always see her as brave.

It is a dangerous association for people who are considering weight loss surgery to equate the loss of weight with the finding of your life partner so I don't talk about love on the support sites. However, if you had said to me last November 19th that one year to the day that I would be going to an open house with my fiance to taste the menu for our wedding I would not have believed you. (Have the ravioli, ooh it is so good!)

This year has changed me in many ways. I'm a smaller person and yet my appreciation for little things is so much greater. I have more energy than ever before, I enjoy going to the gym, and my body temperature is LOW. I AM COLD ALL THE TIME. I have never been cold before - that is an oddity.

Do I recommend this surgery for all people battling obesity? NO!
You have to be willing to walk away from food choices that are not good.
You have to give up carbonated pop, you have to focus on nutrition.
You have to work out.
You HAVE to take your vitamins.
You have to be prepared for people to gush over you when you want to be invisible.
You have to be prepared to be a little irritated that people are nicer to you when you are smaller than when you were big, but you're still the same person.
You have to embrace the fact that sometimes you will throw up, sometimes you wont poop for a few days and then when you do it won't be very nice.
You have to be ready for your hair to fall out, and then grow back funky.
You have to be ready for it to be "all about you" even when you want to focus on your friends and family.
OH, and you have to be ok with food holidays (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Hanukkah or Thursdays) to be about something different, but that your people will still eat more food than you could eat in a week. You have to be ready to have the servers in restaurants to think there is something wrong with your meal when you eat 1/3rd and don't want a doggie bag. (It's better to split with someone....)

I am ok with all of these things. I even love some of them. I don't feel like I'm deprived, I enjoy good food and am having the time of my life!

Thank you Terri for today.

Nancy Sinatra

These are "THE" boots I was talking about. I LOVE this outfit, I feel preppy and kicky and a little bit sexy.

Sorry about the bathroom shot... I didn't want to dig out the tripod this morning.

Sinead O'Connor No More

One of the side effects of weight loss surgery is the irritating loss of hair. It has to do with the diminished amount of protein that is absorbed and the mere act of the surgery can shock your system enough to cause the hair to fall out.

For me, this was frustrating because I already had (have) a thin patch at the top of my head. I'm not sure if this is genetic or due to my terrible diet pre-surgery - regardless, having MORE hair fall out was not a side effect I was looking for.

Thankfully (I guess) it is a slow process. It started in earnest about 2 months after surgery and lasted for about 4 months. I would lose hair in the shower, while brushing my hair, walking and breathing. Some WLS patients can't stand it and cut their hair short (not cancer patient short, but short.) I am vain and decided that a comb over was the way to go.

While it may have been noticeable to everyone, most people didn't say anything. There's nothing like being told about something you know about, hate, but can't do anything to fix. (See Pres. G.W. Bush)

In the last few months the shedding has slowed to a normal rate, there's still hair in my brush, but I'm not clogging the vacuum anymore (not that I actually vacuum... please!)

More exciting than the fact that I've stopped being invited to the Sinead O'Connor fan club meetings, my hair is actually growing back. I didn't notice at first, but now I have a 1 1/2 inch halo of hair at my scalp. It looks like frizz, but I'm not complaining. It means that within a few months or so, my hair will be fuller and less "thin" up top.

Woo Woo.

Closet Shopping

The days of being able to shop for clothes in my closet at almost officially over. I have very few items that I'm saving for "the day when they fit."

There's a kicky dress I purchased at an antique store and the tall leather boots I bought but haven't been able to get around my monster calves.

As of today we're down to one item. I was able to get the boots on! I already have the perfect outfit picked out for their first outing.

Tuesday, I will wear the boots, with black tights and this cute shorter black and green skirt and a black turtleneck. It will be sassy and yet will still be appropriate for the night out which includes dinner at Purple and The Phantom of the Opera.

Being able to get the boots on makes my excitement for fall so much greater!


I also did some mall shopping this morning and picked up a pair of jeans - SIZE 14 Petite! Damn girl, you're tiny!

Finally

After almost two months at the same weight I've finally started dropping again. When it first starts to happen I tend to think that it's a fluke, but not so.

I'm down 6 pounds in the last week. That's an incredible amount and isn't sustainable. I've earned to be happy with slow and steady along with the dramatic and unusual. In 1.4 pounds I'll be at the 130 lost mark. pop! (the sound of my own mind blowing)

I still have a way to go to get to the "goal" of 130 but considering how far I've come what's 60 pounds? To be honest 130 seems unlikely I would be happy with anything under 150.

So, j and talked last night about getting serious about returning to the gym routine. We've been together for two and a half months now, and neither of us are going anywhere so we can chill out and spend the time apart to be healthy.

The Greece vacation will be a kink in my routine, but I'm not waiting. I had a great workout yesterday and my gym stuff is I'm the car for after work.

Go (tiny) TP gal!!

PS: I am missing J. How on earth did someone who didn't exist in my world when summer started get to be so important? I don't know but I'm happy about it! My life is charmed right now...don't stand too close or you'll get some on you.

Clothing the shrinking me

My weight these days is slowly moving down the scale, (just 6 pounds in the last month) but my size is continually changing. I can tell by how my clothes are fitting and things like my watch is loose again that I am getting smaller. I had links in my watch taken out about 4 months ago, and I need to do it again. I purchased a Swatch in Barcelona that didn't really fit, in that I could barely get it to clasp in the last hole on the band - I'm wearing it today and it's clasped at 5 holes in - which is a decrease of 1.25 inches in the diameter of my wrist. If you had told me that my wrists would shrink I would have laughed at you.

I did some more closet purging the other day and ditched the 2x clothes and most of the 1x items, I ditched some pants and a couple skirts that slipped off my hips with a quick shimmy. I suppose clothes that fall to the floor when I walk might be a tad racy for the real world. I haven't been able to part with my last bridesmaid dress and think I'm going to hang on to it a while. It is really beautiful and I'm hoping that eventually I can turn it into a fabulous skirt.

The rain this morning snapped me to attention that fall and winter are just around the corner. I'm going to be a hurting unit when it comes to warm clothes. My sweater situation is sad, I only have one sweater left over that really should only be worn on rainy Sundays where we spend the day on the couch. It's too big, but is cozy and comforting.

Missing the month of October will fast forward my wardrobe needs from late summer straight into "winter". I may need to actually do the "school shopping" outing like we use to do as kids. You know, where you hit the mall and spend big bucks on an entire wardrobe for the season. I think I'll budget for it and plan to do it when I get back from Greece. I arrive home on a Wednesday, but am not going back to work until the following Monday. I'm trying to suggest to J that he get the flu for those days, but since I really don't want him to lose his job I'm not pushing too hard on that front. Plus, its two solid months from now, who knows he might be sick of me by then….. (har)

Fall and winter coats are starting to pop up on racks and in as much as I like to shop - especially for coats, I'm not excited about paying full retail for a coat for one season. I'll bite the bullet and get a coat and make it work for the entire fall and winter season. I suppose that for one year I can deal with one coat - my need to color coordinate my outerwear may have to be set aside for one year. (These are some seriously dumb things to ramble about - I mean, Angiolina Jolie has probably adopted 6 more kids as I typed this up.)

On the bright side, getting me a Christmas gift this year will be EASY! Jewelry…. Oh I mean clothes, or gift certificates for clothes.

So True

I'm not normally a "quote" person. I will drag out the book of quotes in certain situations such as a condolence card where I know my own words can't come close to conveying what I want to say.

For my birthday I received a number of cards. They were the normal range of thoughtful, funny, or sweet. Congrats go to MWR for the funniest card I've ever received. The front had a rainbow, a teddy bear and a balloon and it read "Happy Birthday. See you in hell." when you open the card the inside read "You heard me!" What a hoot.

One card had a quote that pretty much summed up the change in me that occurred last year, and I thought I would share it:


And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful that the risk it took to blossom.

- Anais Nin

If....Then

I have spent some personal time bitching that my employers health insurance policy didn't cover any part of my weight loss surgery and that I couldn't get access to my banked sick leave hours even though I was in the hospital. I didn't expect the surgery to be covered but the sick leave thing pissed me off.

I had a long conversation today with a valued colleague who has been dealing with breast cancer since 2001 and she mentioned how the changes in our health care plan (that "hurt" me) probably saved her life due to being able to change plans and get into a better cancer care program.

I have to say that if the change that cost me money saved her life, then I will never bitch about it again. What is money compared to her life? No one sat down and did that particular if/then decision but I just did.

She had no way of knowing my past complaints and was just sharing her heroic story but she put it into perspective for me.

Something to hold you over

It might be a low posting weekend. I don't intend to be home much. There aren't grand plans for this first weekend in August, but all the "hanging out" will occur at not-casa la TP. If you need me, the cell is the thing.

Rico and Mrs. Rico are hosting a casual brunch Saturday for J and I where we will finalize plans for THE event next Saturday. I'm really thankful that R & Mrs. R are letting me use their home. I need to come up with a great thank you gift. Maybe J and I will work that out Saturday afternoon. Something from Fireworks would be cool - I love that store. Of course, with the closure of I-90 this weekend we'll have to time any trip to Bellevue accordingly.

Traffic around my side of the lake is going to suck here very rapidly. They are closing 405 to remove the Wilburton tunnel which is basically going to kill any north of I-90 driving for me. That really only means the good mall is off limits for a month. But since I just picked up new pants yesterday I'm set.

The new pants are actually kind of wonderful. I bought two pairs of size 16 in the petite section. Not 16 women's, not 16 extended sizes… but a regular size 16. It makes me kind of nervous to wander around in the regular persons sections at the stores. I worry that the sales people are going to direct me to the "women's" section because I don't belong in their part of the store. I feel a little shy when I ask if I can try things on, but the salespeople are kind as can be.

I wonder how long it will take to not automatically gravitate to the big lady clothes? I tried on at least 10 pairs of pants in the women's world and didn't find anything that fit. All too big, too baggy. Oh to have these problems… Well, I did buy a pair of black jeans - but they were a size 14W (see how that works.. size 14 in the big sizes and 16 in the regular sizes.) There is a reason that men should never try to buy their women clothes. Sizing is all over the board. Store selection will change your size too…I'm in a 12/14 at lane bryant - but I'm really hating their clothes and don't ever need to go there again. (14W is really as small as the women's sizes go, so I'm likely done with those forever.)

The whole thing about seeing myself in a new way takes some getting use to. I know I'm not a big person anymore, but that doesn't mean I don't feel like it. For the most part that super negative inner dialog is gone, but I think people still see me as the big person I use to be (even people I am encountering for the first time.) That makes no sense, but it is what it is.

Counter to that is how dang fabulous I feel at times. J and I are headed out to dinner tonight and I have a super cute dress to wear and will be donning "THE" red shoes. How fun to hit the town looking spectacular with my nice new guy on my arm.

Ok - enough of the rambling. I'm off to the bookstore and to check out the new IGA grocery store downtown. (I need cheese!)