Babies, Planes and Crazy People oh my!

When I was a 350 pound person and I would board an airplane I could see the look in people's eyes as I squished down the isle. "Please don't sit by me..."  It is never said out loud but is telegraphed in every look and especially the relief as you look to the next row.    Now, as a parent, I feel the same sort of looks of dread while waiting to board the airplane with Lucy.  Thankfully we have the means to purchase a seat for her, so we are taking up an entire row, but the people around us are clearly worried that Lucy will be a screamer.  So far, on her six flights she has been mostly reasonable.

I read an article about a discount airline that is banning kids from the first few rows behind first class to give their priority customers a more pleasant flight.    The comments to the article were all over the place in support of and alternatively blasting the concept.    As a member of the frequent flyer world with priority seating and boarding benefits on my chosen airline I would be so pissed if told we had to sit in the back because of Lucy.  For the record Alaska airlines has never suggested this and furthermore told us it was acceptable to bring Lucy as a lap infant on our flight class flight to Maui.

Sure, kids are more likely than any adult to scream and yell while on a flight.  However it doesn't mean they aren't expressing the same emotions that we are all having.  Everyone wants to get up, move around, not be hot, eat something, and pee when they want. Actually, the diaper set can make a tinkie whenever they want; they don't know how lucky they are.  

I had to stop reading the comments section on the article when I found myself penning a reply to the 'nice' girl who said that all kids are brats and that people with kids shouldn't fly - ever.  Also, I think if I ever see "JJ Johnson" in person I'll punch him in the face for threatening to hit a mom whose kid kicked the back of his seat.   (Sorry 7A, I tried really hard to get Lucy to stop touching your seat, I worked on that message the entire flight.  But you, crazy lady on the return flight, I didn't work so hard because you reclined your seat.  Have a heart!)

I'm sure the airlines have done a cost analysis about offering child free flights, at a premium I'm sure.  Clearly it isn't worth the effort or it would be available.   I could see offering a kid-free flight to adult type locations such as Las Vegas, but I've been told that families live there too.   Perhaps an all-first class plane to make it financially difficult for the average family to use.  Oh wait, they have those, they are called private jets.

Kids fly.  If you're lucky you get an easy, mostly happy kid with parents that are actively engaged to keep junior happy during the flight.  If you're really lucky they will buy you a drink when the kid is melting down.


But, if they do break down and enforce a kids-free section on flights, I also want one to move those smelly, talkative almost drunk people away, and that know it all guy - he certainly needs his own section.  And the 'dropper' you know that lady that drops and spills everything - put her in a bubble.

Next time we fly with Lucy, I'm going to hand out something like this:

Wifely Domination

As previously mentioned, Jason enjoys a game on his iPhone called Angry Birds.  It is a cultural phenomenon.  Our last story on this topic was the devastating loss of all of his progress due to a phone freeze up issue.  I still can hear the pathetic wail from the office as he realized that all of his game data had been erased. 

Well, that is long since passed and he has gotten over the emotional pain and even gone back and replayed those silly basic levels with the self imposed rule that "I can't move on to the next level until I earn three stars on the current level."  For the uninitiated, in the game you fling birds at pigs that are hiding in structures.  You get points for the amount of destruction you create and once all the pigs are dead (cutely exploded) you get a star score for that level.  There are bonus points for not using all the birds and other little tricks. 

I am not encumbered by the three star rule so while I try to do it, if a level is just too hard but I've gotten through with one measly star I move on.  I play for the fun of it, not the glory.

Another aspect of the game is the ability to upload your scores and see where you rank "nationally".  I have been listening to my beloved tell me where he's ranked.  "I'm in the top 5% of over 13 million players!"  I will from time to time look up from whatever I'm doing, reading, playing with Lucy, doing our taxes and say (without much emotion) "Congratulations honey, you must be very good."

Last night I was flipping him some playful crap about how much time he has invested in the game and what else he could have done with that time and he decided it was time to see where I was ranked.  I knew he needed to see how far above me he was and since I don't really care (thus I've never uploaded my scores before) I let him do it.

I was reading and realized it had gotten very quiet on his side of the couch, so I picked up one of the phones (gaming consoles) and saw the ranking screen.  (Printed at the left.)  It is quite clear that without even trying, my score is higher than his.  I asked "well, how did that happen?"  I got back a very loud and quite irate "I have no *&%$^* idea!"

In case you can't see the numbers it reads:
tpgal (that's me) : 22,100,120
Me (that's Jason): 21,831,000

The 200,000 points is nothing and I think he stayed up until Lucy's 3am feeding to work on his score.  I expect I won't see his face until he is safely ranked above me.  I'm tempted to call in sick today just to play to keep my lead, but that seems spiteful and wrong, especially since it matters to him and not me.

Although, I think I would be remiss if I didn't also share our national rankings.

Total players: 13,738,106
Jason is ranked: 195,668  (meaning that there are only 195,000 people with better scores than him - out of 13 million players.) 
I am ranked 176,057  (meaning that I am one of those 195,000 people!)

This whole silly episode reminds me of an incident in high school where the star quarterback and honor roll king (and super competitive prick) somehow figured out that I had a better GPA than he did and he almost flipped out and had to be taken to the hospital.  That might be a slight exaggeration, but he was mad.  I'm pretty sure he's over it now, but since he didn't come to any of the reunions maybe he's still harboring a grudge.  (Actually, he has a very nice, happy life - which is good for someone who is clearly very stupid.)

Weiners, Liars & Cheaters...oh my

Boys, boys, boys...

Get it together, and by that I mean keep it in your pants!  This simple advice was called out to my prom date as we left his house my senior year.  It didn't make me feel like a princess, but the advice was reasonable.  There are times when you have no business showing your business to others. 

I know, it can be confusing to know when and where certain behaviors are allowed so I've laid out what I think is common sense that might be helpful to you:

1) If you're married and the person you want to show your business to is not your wife or your doctor... the answer is NO.

2) Unless you're being paid to be in a quality magazine like "The Dicks of Capital Hill" don't photograph your penis.

3) Unless it is your only source of income never EVER post images of your penis on the Internet.

4) If you think what you're about to do could cost you your job, that is a strong CLUE that you shouldn't do it.

5) If you have to hide from the media, this is another CLUE you're on the wrong path.

6) If the Onion.com is writing articles about you, you have already screwed up.

7) If you're married and you meet someone who turns your soul on fire, deal with your wife FIRST.  If this new thing is true love, it will still be there after you respectfully deal with the woman who has stood next to you during events like the death of your child.  (You're a slimy douche bag John!)  Word to the wise Miss thing...if he's willing to knock you up while his wife is unaware, don't expect him home for dinner every night.  I think the "once a cheater, always a cheater" line might actually be sound information.

8) If you're a Republican and FOX news is calling you a douche bag you've gone to far.  The same is true for MSNBC and you Democrats. 

9) If you've commented on the morals of others as part of your campaign platform then you should refrain from having sex with the maid, sleeping with your photographer or twittering pictures of your pee pee.  

10)  There is no such thing as discretion when having sexual encounters with anyone but your committed partner. 

Bonus Point  11)  It doesn't matter how 'important' you are, if the woman says no or you have to force the issue it is RAPE.  They teach that rule pretty early here in the US and I thought it was a similar understanding in other civilized parts of the world.  By the way, attacking the character of the woman you've (allegedly) sexually assaulted is a dirty play.  She cleans toilets for a living, do you really expect us to believe that she's running an on the side call girl business? 


So, do you want to know who I think is classy?  Al and Tipper Gore.  They sadly ended their marraige without any (credible) evidence of wrong doing.  They announced together that they were done being married and then both quietly moved on to their own personal lives and we don't have to hear about it.  While I hope they both have new hot lovers making them eggs in the morning, I hope we NEVER have to hear about it.

The rest of you...well, like Danny's dad said:

KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!

tp comments on current events

Don't expect great insight... my last journey down this path resulted in the anonymous scolding from a bright scholarly dude, so I preface this with a caveat I'm not a journalist or pretending to be one of our worlds best thinkers, this is just me with my own opinions (and some I'm agreeing with others on).

1) “Who the fuck is Kim Kardashian? Some stupid old tart from somewhere or other."
- Elton John

 TP Responds:  Bwahahahahaha.  Couldn't agree more Mr. Dwight!


2) The Egyption protesters tell Mubarak that tonight is the night that he must go. 

TP Responds:  It's a brave, amazing thing to stand up to 30 years of the same old same old (it maybe even fair to call it a dictatorship) and demand change.  However, a change in power literally overnight is likely a bad idea.  September is only seven months away, fair elections with multiple parties running will allow the voice of ALL the people to count, not just those of you on the streets.  Just because you're yelling the loudest right now doesn't mean you represent every Egyptian citizen. Thank you, good night.

3) Global Warming is a joke.  (Generalized comments from multiple parties.)

TP Responds:  Oh My Word, are you serious!?  Take a peak at the polar caps and see that they are getting smaller.  Take a driving trip to the Canadian Rockies where they are tracking the shrinking glaciers.   Just because you're buried under 8 feet of snow right now doesn't mean that global warming isn't happening.   I'm not a meteorlogist, but I saw the movie "Day After Tomorrow" like 8 times and I learned a few things:

• Jake Gyllenhaal is a cutie.
• Apparently you can snow shoe from DC to New York in just a couple days, as long as you have a Wendy's kitchen to camp out in.
• Even minor changes in the gulf stream can result in catastrophic weather phenomenon.  

4) Gifford's Husband to command the shuttle.

TP responds:  Good for him!  A month ago the decision probably would have been different, but she's stable and from my expansive knowledge (of what I've seen watching TLC Life in the ER) the recovery from a traumatic brain injury is a very long journey, taking years.  I would want my astronaut commander husband to go.  She's in great hands and will continue her recovery regardless of if he's in the room for the next two weeks or not.  Plus, imagine the sweet gifts he'll be bringing back from the airport.  I bet it will be better than some crappy San Jose t-shirt purchased at Hudson News.

5) Prisoners in Monroe facility identifed as dangerous.

TP Responds:   Too often in movies we see the snuffing of prison staff as a split second action by the bad guy who 90 minutes later after lots of things blow up and our hero(es) save the day gets hauled back to jail triumphantly.  We cheer and go home happy that our $12.75 ticket price was worth it.  In reality, prisons are a complicated and ugly ecosystem, where the people running the show are trying to identify the right balance between cruel treatment and relative freedoms that can result in the loss of life.  The death of even fellow prisoners is unacceptable and I hope each and every facility in our country makes an honest assessment of the privileges granted to folks behind bars and that that effort results in the prevention of future loss of life to the employees and inmates.


6) Meredeth Kercher's family unhappy about US film that centers on Amanda Knox. 

TP Responds:  Well, no sh*t.  It is neither shocking nor unexpected that this grieving family would bristle at the idea that their loss is being turned to entertainment.  It is an admittedly ugly side of US entertainment that this little reenactment of a sensational story was made and will be viewed by many folks in the US.  (NOT IN MY HOUSEHOLD.)  Believe what you will about evidence and Ms. Knox's guilt or innocence the fact remains that Ms. Kercher WAS murdered and it isn't entertainment.  Yes, we are free to make such 'movies' and the choice is ours to see it or not, but I'm disgusted by the fascination.  If it helps at all Mr. Kercher, I'm sorry for your loss and the further violation that this "movie" is inflicting on your family.

7) Anderson Cooper a "little bit scared" and moves to an undisclosed location in Egypt.

TP Responds:  Does anyone else think that just *maybe* CNN is sensationalizing this story for the ratings?  I'm cynical, but I can't help but think that CNN wants to be part of the reporters getting beat up story.    My Jim Foreman spidey senses are tingling.

8) Jesse Jones retruns to King 5.

TP Responds:  After taking time off to deal with a serious health issue I'm happy to see this silly reporter person return.  He's such a character and I think his niche in our local news market is funny.  Welcome back..(yell it with me) JesseJones!

9) Charlie Sheen



TP Responds:  Parroting and paraphrasing something someone else said - "Dude, you're a parent.  Your time to party like a porn star is over.  Grow up, put your big boy pants on and go to rehab." 

Your tv show makes me sad.  I wonder are you acting or is it easier for the writers to let you portray yourself as the drunken lowlife you are in real life????   Get help.  If Lyndsay can do it, so can you. 







Finally 
10) The length of a mother's employment is associated with an increase in her child's body mass index, according to a study in the journal Child Development.

TP Responds:  oh great, another reason to feel guilty about being a working mom.

Clarification

I've been asked nicely by Jason to clarify a few points on my last posting:

1. He's not stupid and the failure to memorize song lyrics is because he doesn't care about them.
2. He knew that his version of Mr. Roboto lyrics were wrong and was trying to make me laugh (which worked.)
3. He knows that songs have little plots to them.  A point he proved when he narrated for me the plot to "One burbon, one scotch, one beer."  I also believe that he knows the lyrics and plot to the Cee Lo Green Song "F*ck You" 
4.  He loves me anyway.  I added that one.
5. He has wondered what kinds of helpful information I'm pushing out of my head by making room for song lyrics.  I've had that thought too; imagine what I could do if I didn't have all the words to every Beatles, Duran Duran and Michael Buble song in my brain.  

Shhh

I read today that Mrs. John Travolta, Kelly Preston who recently gave birth had a "silent birth."  Silent birth is a Scientology tradition where the goal is to speak as little as possible during the birth to create a peaceful place for the baby to enter into.

She states that moaning and grunting are natural and to be expected and thus they happen, but talking to each other (the spouses and medical team) is as limited as possible.  I'm sure the doctor is allowed to say whatever is medically necessary, but the "you can do it" encouragement that I hope to hear likely was not uttered in the birthing room.

You know, to each his or her own.  This form of birth can't be unhealthy or dangerous for mother or baby, but I think it's odd.  Babies hear everything inside the womb and in fact it is darned loud in there.  We learned during our last baby class that the sound in the womb is louder in decibels than a vacuum cleaner.   Heck, no wonder she's moving around all the time, it's a rock concert.  Things are obviously muffled, as what babies hear is filtered through liquid, but silence can't be comforting for them.

Those of you who know me and know that I was the kid who had to write sentences for my 5th grade teacher because I was so chatty know that I will not be attempting to do a silent anything, let alone birth.  There will be some talking going on.  I only hope that I can keep the "holy f*ck this hurts" type of statements to a dull roar.  I'm a mommy now, the f-word needs to take a break. 

As for you Ms. Bono, I think maybe your anger and annoyance at me clouded your judgment.  The assignment to write "I will not open my gargantuan mouth in class again." 1000 times was mean.  Although, I do remember my mom calling the school and for some reason I ended up having to complete the assignment.  Perhaps I was out of line.  Me!?  Never.

Take That Self Doubt!

I had lunch today with someone I hope becomes a new friend.  (Tiny back story: we met at a security thing.)

She and I discussed all sorts of work topics like career, philosophy, policies and because we're human (girls) talked about the pregnancy, child rearing and all sorts of other personal things.

She shared that getting pregnant for her involved medical intervention and that there were times during the long and painful (and emotional) process that she questioned if maybe her difficulty in getting pregnant wasn't a sign that she wasn't supposed to be a parent.  (That is an extremely short version of the conversation.)

I take great issue with that for a couple reasons. The first being having a baby doesn't make you a mom.  Moms & dads with kids they've adopted will tell you that.  Also, just because I haven't had my own kid yet doesn't mean I'm not a mom.  I think I've always been a mother, but just one without a child.  I know, that's super touchy feely stuff, but I've always felt very maternal.    Secondly, just because it took medical intervention (or adoption) doesn't mean it wasn't meant to be.    No one would say that those folks walking around because of medical advancements in the areas of cancer, heart health, polio, etc. aren't supposed to be here.  Let yourself off the hook a bit eh?



Granted, there needs to be balance.  We could have kept my aunt alive for a long long time with the medical treatment she was receiving, but it wasn't the human thing to do.  Like everything else, reasonable judgment has to come into play.  There's a compelling argument that maybe the Octo-mom shouldn't have more children.  In my opinion, that's more of an economic, mental health judgment call, but if putting her body through another pregnancy would be potentially life threatening I would pray that her medical team would say no, regardless of the financial benefit to them.  That's not to say that if she had the means to care for more kids that adoption or surrogacy wouldn't be appropriate.  (Ok, maybe not for THE octo-mom, but for other sane, healthy families.)




We ladies tend to let that little voice of self doubt work its way into our thought processes and eat away at us.  Reasonable thoughts like, I'm a fantastic mom to my kids, can be pushed out by that little voice.  Sometimes that little voice gets stuck in a loop on a topic that you wish you had done or handled better.  Breaking out of that can be challenging.  However, it MUST be done.



So, I say to you, little ugly voice of self doubt:  SHADDUP  you're not welcome here!

My lunch date seemed to have an Oprah, "a ha" moment when I equated the silliness of her argument to the medical advancements in other areas.  I'm pleased that my little opinion on the topic gave her an argument to push her self doubt aside.   Maybe I'm not as dumb as I look?  :)

Ann, Ann, Ann....

Ann Coulter?

As much smack as I talked about W, I really didn't think he was evil. Ann Coulter on the other hand keeps sticking her foot so deep into it that it makes it hard for me to even try to listen to what she has to say.


Recently, Ms. Coulter was speaking at a GOProud event (Homocon) and popped off with a comment about how the gays should start to back the anti-abortion movement because: "as soon as they find the gay gene, you know who's getting aborted."

Scuse me!?  (*%^ said what???? And now I'm deaf to anything else she has to say because there is blood dripping from my ears.

GOProud is a conservative gay group. She was invited to speak about being fiscally conservative and lost many in the audience when she deviated to anti-abortion and sex education in school. She may have a point that perhaps kindergarten is too young to teach a child about the concept of fisting. (look it up if you must, but it doesn't sound like much fun to me. But that's just my opinion.) However, since kids are exploring things like oral sex as early as 10-12 years old, when is too early to let them know it's too early? YES, parents SHOULD be the ones to introduce these topics to their own children, but in the immortal words of Donna Martin on Beverly Hills 90210, "if there's a swimming pool in the back yard isn't it safer to teach your children to swim rather than to tell them not to swim?" (and now I hear the swell of a reved up crowd chanting "Donna Martin Graduates!!!" I miss that show.)

We will be educating our Peanut about sex, but won't be pulling her out of classes that discuss the topic.  This is where being involved in your childs education will come in handy.  If you work with your childs teacher you can ensure that the education is reinforcing your values.  As busy as they are, I imagine ALL teachers welcome the opportunity to partner with parents.  You can't change the curriculum, but you can know what the hell it is so you are prepared to co-educate your kids. I do hope sex-ed doesn't open with "fisting"... that would be awkward.

Back to the point. Ms. Coulter is entitled to her opinion, but her opinion makes me want to throw poopie in her face.  I do think she has balls to speak at an event called Homocon.  I wish I had come up with that.

I tried to find an appropriate photo of Ms. C, but this one came up under her name and it made me laugh out loud.  There is a theory that she's really a transgender person (a dude who is living as a female) and that she has an adams apple and balls.  This is silly.  I am a bit offended at the idea that a woman can only be strong willed and opinionated if she has (or had) a penis, I dislike her enough to suggest that she's an just an attractive dude.  In real life she is conventionally pretty, but her convictions kill it for me. 

off my soap box...

For your enjoyment:

Wouldn't you know it?

A couple months ago Jason bought me a very nice wallet. It wasn't my birthday or any special occasion. He just did it to be nice and I love it!

However, I lost it after one of our long weekends away and have been searching high and low for it. I didn't want to mention it because I hoped it would turn up. Well, tonight over dinner I finally grew a pair and fessed up to my absentmindedness. He (of course) wasn't mad, instead he asked a couple questions about where I've looked and suggested the one travel bag that he is responsible for and I swear I looked there. We got home and he spent 3 minutes upstairs and came down with my pretty wallet in hand.

I've been worried and searching for weeks...when will I ever learn to just say what is what or ask for help?

Thank you Jason!!!

Juvenile & Wrong

I've been subjecting Jason to the WE tv channel. (I confess, I like the Ghost Whisperer from time to time. ).
The programming and commercials are all targeted toward women.
The channel is called "WE" and not WE Tv, because every juvenile on the planet would call it Wet-V and that's just wrong.  Juvenile

GET IT STRAIGHT

Dear People of the Earth,

When using someone's name in print please make a TEENY TINY effort to spell that person's name correctly.

Clues as to how to spell someone's name are pretty easy to locate. Here are some hints:

On Facebook: the person's profile name is a STRONG indication as to what the accurate spelling of their name might be.


In email - the individuals email address will commonly give you a clue.  See example:

joe.jones@hoppedup.org

I bet you $10 he spells his name J O E.

In other communications, people tend to leave a signature, that is also a clue as to how their name is spelled.  My signature at work is:

Terri XXXXX XXXXXXXX
Information Security
Blah Blah Blah
Phone Number

I commonly get "Thanks Tracy" or even "Thanks Patty"

Where Patty comes from I have no idea.  (Actually, I know a Patti and she's from New Jersey, but that's a different story.

Use the clues given to you you find your way!

End of RANT

Oh that is CRAZY

One of our big projects for the house was an air conditioner and we ended up investing in a heat-pump (that will both heat and cool.)  I mentioned that the installers were here last week and spend the better part of a day in and out of our attic and back yard to get it up and running.  It has been a week and we are happy, we are getting use to the auto-tuning and think it will have been a great investment.

One of the minor tasks that has to happen now that the heat-pump is installed is to get the work inspected.  This is a great service the city provides (for a fee) that will ideally insure that our installers didn't do shoddy work.

The process is supposed to be easy. You call the number on the form, input the permit number and presto they arrive the next day to do the inspection. 

This is how it is supposed to work.  Sadly, the permit number that is PRINTED on the form with our name, address and job information is not actually the "real" permit number.  I guess you're supposed to call and get the clerk to assign you a different number that will work with the phone system.

I love this bit of inefficiency that has resulted in  my planning to be here for the inspector who is not coming. 

The other "super helpful" thing the city of Renton has going for it is their automated phone line.  Once you enter your permit number it simply says "Thank you for calling the city of Renton, goodbye" and then it hangs up.   Oh my...I'm so glad I called today to see if I could get a 4 hour window for the inspection because if I had sat here waiting all day and the inspector didn't show I probably would have gone to the crazy, bitchy place when I learned my secret permit number wasn't on my form.

I hex you, City of Renton for being inefficient.

On-Going Nonsense

Tiki Pete, one of my former MegaBankers posted a link to the Huffington Post (damn Democrat) and a slideshow of funny detention slips.   He found a slip that was issued to him on the 6th slide.

I repost it here to honor the fact that this on-going nonsense continues to this day and I'm sure it is a grand plot to thwart the educational attempts from Mrs. Peter.

The whole slide show can be seen here:  LINK