Thursday, September 27, 2012

Babies, Planes and Crazy People oh my!

When I was a 350 pound person and I would board an airplane I could see the look in people's eyes as I squished down the isle. "Please don't sit by me..."  It is never said out loud but is telegraphed in every look and especially the relief as you look to the next row.    Now, as a parent, I feel the same sort of looks of dread while waiting to board the airplane with Lucy.  Thankfully we have the means to purchase a seat for her, so we are taking up an entire row, but the people around us are clearly worried that Lucy will be a screamer.  So far, on her six flights she has been mostly reasonable.

I read an article about a discount airline that is banning kids from the first few rows behind first class to give their priority customers a more pleasant flight.    The comments to the article were all over the place in support of and alternatively blasting the concept.    As a member of the frequent flyer world with priority seating and boarding benefits on my chosen airline I would be so pissed if told we had to sit in the back because of Lucy.  For the record Alaska airlines has never suggested this and furthermore told us it was acceptable to bring Lucy as a lap infant on our flight class flight to Maui.

Sure, kids are more likely than any adult to scream and yell while on a flight.  However it doesn't mean they aren't expressing the same emotions that we are all having.  Everyone wants to get up, move around, not be hot, eat something, and pee when they want. Actually, the diaper set can make a tinkie whenever they want; they don't know how lucky they are.  

I had to stop reading the comments section on the article when I found myself penning a reply to the 'nice' girl who said that all kids are brats and that people with kids shouldn't fly - ever.  Also, I think if I ever see "JJ Johnson" in person I'll punch him in the face for threatening to hit a mom whose kid kicked the back of his seat.   (Sorry 7A, I tried really hard to get Lucy to stop touching your seat, I worked on that message the entire flight.  But you, crazy lady on the return flight, I didn't work so hard because you reclined your seat.  Have a heart!)

I'm sure the airlines have done a cost analysis about offering child free flights, at a premium I'm sure.  Clearly it isn't worth the effort or it would be available.   I could see offering a kid-free flight to adult type locations such as Las Vegas, but I've been told that families live there too.   Perhaps an all-first class plane to make it financially difficult for the average family to use.  Oh wait, they have those, they are called private jets.

Kids fly.  If you're lucky you get an easy, mostly happy kid with parents that are actively engaged to keep junior happy during the flight.  If you're really lucky they will buy you a drink when the kid is melting down.

But, if they do break down and enforce a kids-free section on flights, I also want one to move those smelly, talkative almost drunk people away, and that know it all guy - he certainly needs his own section.  And the 'dropper' you know that lady that drops and spills everything - put her in a bubble.

Next time we fly with Lucy, I'm going to hand out something like this:

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