Middle School Perfect Storm

 Ok... so it is not a middle school picture of mark wahlberg, but it is as young as I could find him on the interwebs.

Context:  this is for my friend the Middle School teacher.  And, a lesson for all young, awkward duded - it can get better.

TP, thy chain has been yanked

In response to my last post of some stellar videos I got this reply ;

Anonymous said...

Good blog post, nice efforts. It couldn't appear to have been penned any better. Reading this article piece of writing reminds me about my old boss! He usually kept babbling about this. I will email this post to him. Pretty confident he will probably have a high-quality read. Appreciate your posting!

It is not clear to me if this was someone who is trying to be funny, sarcastic, mean or didn't actually read the post.  

The tone is nice, but the wording sounds like there should be a sales pitch or even an announcement that the commenter has some money in an account left by his uncle and he needs my help to get it out. "reading this article piece of writing" and "probably have a high-quality read" are the tipping points for me.  No one actually talks like that. 

Clearly, this doesn't matter.  I was reading this morning about the massive power outages in India and wondering how long it would take for trouble in that area of the world to impact our insulated daily life.  The idea of a whole country (or even 'just' 2/3 of it) being without power is the plot of a horror movie, or a doomed NBC tv show.   In those scenarios a gaggle of young people and perhaps Nicolas Cage set out to save the world.  Images of sports stadiums overgrown with vegetation aka Sleeping Beauty come to mind.  In reality, those areas are so typically devoid of greenery that they might simply be locked and avoided.  

In the summer, a sustained outage might be livable - if there was water, but I recall a long stretch without power in December of 2006, which according to my records was actually only 7 days - even though it has ballooned in tp folklore to a 10 day odyssey.  To repeat that event would be brutal.  It was cold, all the food went bad, it was DARK and thank heaven for friends in different neighborhoods with power so that the laundry situation was bearable.  Imagine an entire city in clothes that need ironing.  HORROR.

Word Verification Feature

After a couple mild mentions of displeasure over the use of the word verification feature on the comments section of this blog, I have removed it.  I too find having to interpret non-words to validate that I am a human and not some robot posting ads for penis enlargement or moving companies very irritating.

I still use "Comment Moderation" which allows me to review and approve any incoming comment before it is posted.  I don't mind reviewing the massive influx of comments to my blog.  (The word massive is sarcasm.)

Today I rejected a comment from someone selling Louis Vuitton on their very reputable and 100% legitimate website.  Funny thing though they left their comment on a blog post from 2009.  I'm not sure how effective this brand of spam marketing is.  I only have nine subscribers to the blog and while I'm sure there are hundreds more who read this regularly who haven't subscribed I doubt that anyone but me ever takes the time to reread my witty and meaningful posts.

Because of the comment, I did go to see what the blog post was about.  Generally, these spam advertisers find some key word in the blog that relates to what they are selling.  For example, when I posted a video of the cutest child in the entire world moving our furniture through our kitchen and called it "Moving Day" I received comments from a moving company in Cincinnati.  The words matched, but the context did not.   This particular post was about my anxiety over the wedding guest list.  There were no references to upscale leather goods for trendy ladies who like European brands.

I read the post and then had a laugh over what I think is probably the best comment ever left on one of my blog posts.  Sure you could argue that Peter's Raccoon Friend is also not human and shouldn't be allowed to leave comments, but I think PRF is brilliant and witty.  I miss that little furry bastard and those wonderful comments.  My guess is that either PRF got married and is too busy in a happy union to invent dark and sarcastic replies to the blog, or I'm boring as shit now that all I ever talk about is that damned kid.  Either way, in honor of a wonderful moment in this blog I invite you to skim the blog and then enjoy Peter's Raccoon Friend in all of his finest.  Best Comment Ever

A terrible dilemna

What will we do?  I've been staying up nights unable to sleep because I'm overcome with worry.  We've put our names into the hat to win the 2012 HGTV Dream Home.

It is a 5000+ square foot home outside Park City, Utah.  It has an amazing kitchen, a glorious outdoor space complete with a hot tub, a tricked out 2 car garage (complete with an SUV) and everything you could think you might want.

I know they will pull our name and then we'll be in a terrible pickle.  This gorgeous place is amazing and it would be great fun to visit, but the darned thing only has 3 bedrooms so it only sleeps 6 people.  Can you imagine?  There is a very cool nook off the family room that kids can play in and I suppose Lucy could live in there, but the house isn't really equipped to deal with the large family gatherings I think we'd like to have.  The family room does have an Ethan Allen queen sized sleeper sofa and I hope that for $3947 the darned thing would be comfortable.  I haven't yet found a sleeper sofa that I would want to sleep on for more than 2 nights in a row, but maybe Ethan has that worked out.  Actually, my mom had a brilliant addition to her sleeper sofa - she slid a plywood board between the paper thin mattress and the jagged bars of the bed and it actually made her sofa bed bearable.  Not everyone has storage room for sheets of plywood that you might only use once or twice a year, but it made me feel special that she worked a solution to the tragedy that is "you don't mind sleeping on the pull out do you?"

So, I've been pacing the floors at night worried about learning to ski again - after all you can't live in Utah and not know how to ski.  I've been worried about how my 'can't ever keep my opinions to myself" nature will go over with the new neighbors and then how to keep the riff-raff from visiting.  By "riff-raff" I mean the relatives who a) don't read this blog and b) are boring or cause fights when they come around.

The real issue would be, move or don't move.  Our people mostly live here in Washington so a move to Utah for just the three of us would be sad, but I know I mentioned that this place has a hot tub.  There is an option where we could take the cash payout, which would be a pretty nice little addition to our savings account, but it would be sad not to get to hang out at the house for at least a month before they wrote us a check.  We could take the house and then find a property management company to rent it out for vacationers. I've always wanted to go to the Sundance Film Festival...having a tricked out place to stay would be great, or we could rent the last unused bedroom to Brad & Angelina.  Their kids would have to bunk with Lucy in the kids nook, but I'm sure they are use to sharing rooms anyway.

Oh well, I guess this is the burden I'll have to shoulder. I'm sure I'll figure out what to do before they draw my name later this spring.

I'm just sayin'

I have these things to get off my chest:

1) On Facebook, if your new ex-BF or ex-GF posts that she's sorry she hurt someone, don't reply with "I'll always cherish our time together". It's awkward for all involved.

2) Maybe it is best to keep all relationship stuff off Facebook.

3) If you give someone advice to man up, accept a genuine apology and move on, you'd better be prepared to do the same thing.

4) In the dryer vent cleaning world an appointment window of noon to 3pm does not mean they will be finished by 3pm.  It's not like work where you schedule a meeting until 3 and you can plan on being somewhere else at 3:15.

5)  Statement #4 probably applies to Cable service people as well.

6) If you offend someone just by being yourself is it your fault or the person who has chosen to put up with you even though they've known you for 20 years?  (Trust me, I didn't teach their baby to say "shit" or anything like that...)

7) A frozen chicken will never thaw in time...

8) I feel bad for laughing at the poor couple who got lost in a corn maze and called 911.  It was dark, the employees seemed to have left and they had a 3 week old baby with them.  Calling 911 was probably smart, but it is kind of funny at the same time.

9) It's not fair that babies grow out of the cute clothes a lot faster than they do the ugly ones.

10) Microwave popcorn always sounds like a good idea, but  rarely is.

Hot dog!

I'll give it a try...

I'm off to a conference next month and part of the festivities include an evening event where we are strongly encouraged to come dressed as a "Woman of Influence".  I know my post-baby butt is wide enough for me to pull of Hillary Clinton, but I need a red power suit like I need a hole in my head.

My other thought was Mother Teresa, but going to a cocktail party dressed as a tiny, selfless nun seems wrong.

make up goal

my fear of what it will really look like.

So Cleopatra it is.  She was powerful, she influenced the world, she was bright, and not at all matronly.

I purchased a costume and it is winging its way to me now from the far corners of the Internet and I opted to purchase a rather decent wig as I have never been happy with the "shitty costume" wigs.  This one was a bit more expensive but I can style it.

I've been doing some online research regarding the makeup and may have to for this event try fake eye lashes. We'll see.

If the look is a success you'll get to see a picture, if it is a silly nightmare then you'll just have to trust me that you're better off without seeing it.

The temptation to be evil is so stong with this one...

My flight home yesterday was a bit bumpy but for the most part uneventful.  However, with the three day Memorial Day holiday upon us there were a lot more non-business travelers at the airport yesterday.

Thankfully the San Jose Mineta airport is not a major hub and thus even though it was slow getting through security there weren't thousands upon thousands of people (like at SeaTac.)

I had gathered (all) my things and was headed towards the exit to the terminal when a grandmotherly lady stopped me and asked "where do I wait for my pat down?"

Since you know from experience that I AM EVIL, there are many answers to this question that ran through my head.  The options were:

• Just stand here and wave your arms and call out 'I need someone to rub one out'.

 

• Go stand in front of that guard and in order to keep it quick it will help if you take off your own shirt.

 

• Wait until you hear your name being paged over the airport intercom and then RUN to your gate.

• They don't pat down everyone, just the folks who are selected randomly at those doors (the exit), to avoid being selected you have to slowly approach the door, stop, look around and then hop over the threshold.

Seeing as how the rapture was supposed to happen and didn't so I don't know if it is still worth my time to be kind to others I told her the truth.  "It's ok to go on through, if you were doing anything wrong they would already be yelling at you."

The desire to see this grandma yell "rub one out" was really really strong... I think I should get points for being humane.

On a slightly different topic, May is National Masturbation Month.  What are you doing to celebrate?

The private conversations of a husband and wife

There are times throughout the day when I'm able to chat with my dearest via instant messenger.  I pulled out some of the very exciting and personal things we've said to each other over the last month or so and have sampled them here for you.  The mundane "I'm leaving work, don't forget to bring home toilet paper" type items have been removed.

 me:  Lucy says thanks

 Jason:  My thank you would have been:

Lucy says thank you for the nice baby stuff you sent me.

 me:  Mommy says I'm supposed to say thank you for the baby stuff.  So thank you.
 me:  "Mommy says speaking in the third person is rude and cold but I think she's just a picky bitch”

 me:  “smell my finger”

Me: the "cherry" flavor is hooey.  How bad must the real thing taste to make "cherry" a better option?

 Jason:  I changed, I'm focused

Me:  No, but I did watch a video of Miley Cyrus covering Nirvana's Teen Spirit.

I may need an exorcism

 Jason:  Pretty bad?

 me:  Honestly – no, but the principle of it is bad

 me:  the pepsi wasn't cold so I opened a beer.  Does that seem wrong?

 Jason:  Not at all

The beauty of working from home

You don't need to hide it like I do at work

 me:  funny

 me:  They are specific about stuff like if you die in a well and thy can't get you out they are to seal the well.  Which is good because the water would be icky after that point

 Jason:  Top baby names of 2010 were announced by Social Security

Lucy is 75th

 me:  ooh - nice.  Terri is not in the top 1000 names for any year of birth in the last 11 years.

 Jason:  Should I try to steal some other babies blanket?

 me:  yes, preferably one that is wrapped around a sleeping baby

 me:  Executive Women's Forum.  I use to be an executive... am still a woman

Comments of the day

"Who is the person who said that Lucy needs to go to a good preschool?" This was a question that in one form or another I was asked twice this week. The first person inquiring simply wanted to know and the second person clearly did NOT get the sarcasm of the post and was a tiny bit incensed. The second person was a person of grandparent title and thus any perceived insult regarding the perfect child is unacceptable. I assured said grandmother that the comment was indeed funny and more of a comment on how Jason and I could be far more obsessed with making sure that Lucy gets into a good college by starting her higher education preparations now. I mean, how on earth can we expect her to excel beyond WSU or UW if we don't build her college resume now? Sheesh, she's already wasted seven weeks just sitting around pooping. This is not going to bode well when we approach Harvard. (I think Harvard is out for us, they don't let in students who have relatives in the "riff raff" category. Poor Lucy is already handicapped by my public blog that is filled with creative application of the rules of grammar. I can hear the admissions discussion now, "the mother has a chronic comma splicing problem, this kid is not Harvard material" Sorry Lucy, your mom has all ready failed you.

This discussion of our dear anonymous poster brought the grandmother and I to a discussion about how many things we think are funny do not translate well to the outside community.  I told her that many things I find amusing are either confusing or offensive to others.  Granny laughed and said that she understood.  "I find myself really funny, especially after a drink or two.  God, I'm really funny then. Mostly, people just stare at me though..."

As the moderator for the blog and the comments that (nicely) come in, if I'm offended I have an option not to publish them, so I encourage you  all to say what you like.


Topic 2:  A nice resolution

Breast feeding was a bust (pun intended.)  I'm still not happy about the fact that after dealing with my allergic reaction to the antibiotics for my minor incision issue that my milk supply went from minimal to non-existent.  Lucy is fine on formula, it is VERY convenient, and the cocktail I had last night at dinner was tasty.   I have been walking around the breast pump and supplies that we purchased.  I want to make sure that it went to good use, and then I found a business card that someone handed me about 9 months ago.  There is a local organization that specializes in needs for families with babies.  I will be able to donate my almost new pump and unused supplies to an organization that will ensure it  will go to a family that needs it.  This makes the frustration and disappointment a bit easier to digest.

Still all about Lucy

It's official, I am a mom. Last night Lucy sneezed 5 times in a row and I noticed a little squishy booger in her right nostril. In spite of the fact that boogers make me gag I used my pinkie finger to dig it out. (gross!). This may seem trivial to you, but I had a seed of doubt that I would be able to rise to this monumental occasion.

Sure, important things awe happening in the world. Lybia is a quagmire, we're still involved in fighting for freedom in Afganistan (and Iraq). Social Media has recently aided in the takde down of dictatorships and Charlie Sheen has launched his Self-destruction tour around the US. These things are relevant and many will likely be remembered for years to come, but are they really more important than a new mom who conquered her disgust over boogers for the sake of her small child?

Jason listened to my tale of triumph and then asked if I thought I could deal with the full on snot bubble that is an inevitable part of owning a toddler. I'd like to say that I said yes, but truth be told I gagged at the thought of it. Seriously, snot bubbles are gross. I fear the day that I have to manage the runny nose. Ack!!!

free day

Happy Presidents day! This is an official work holiday so, in grand tradition I'm hanging out. There aren't too many President's Day traditions.

I lounged in bed, watching the Criminal Minds that I slept to last night. Then shed buckets to tears while I watched an Adoption Story on Discovery. (I can only imagine the pain of handing over your 6 month old baby.). Heck, even the adopted dad was overcome.

I decided that wasting my day in bed in front of the tv was a bad idea (especially since I was feeling like sh*t yesterday and spent the day on the couch.). Today is about doing the girlie things that are hard to do when spending quality time with my guy.

I've made myself purdy and spent an hour at Starbucks with my tea and book club book. We're reading War and Peace. I likely won't finish it today. (I'm on page 75.). So far it's all social drama. One complaint, it has been translated from Russian to English, but they left the French untranslated. The translation is footnoted at the bottom of each page, but it's irritating.

Now, I'm waiting at the nail salon for my turn to get my toes painted. A nice painfully before the baby arrives.

I do plan on making dinner tonight, so my next stop will be the store. Pretty exciting eg?

False Advertising?

Dear Revlon Cosmetic Company,

I purchased a product of yours that was being sold by Halle Berry.  She looked so pretty wearing your foundation that I couldn't not purchase it.

I would like to request a refund because I put on layer after layer and I don't look at all like Halle Berry.  Does it take a while to work?

Thank you,

tp gal

Whassup World!

Is it the end of the middle of the day on Tuesday already?  Yesterday was a work holiday and like all expectant moms I used the day to relax and catch up on my Dexter episodes.  (There's nothing like a little murder in the afternoon to honor the memory of Dr. King.)  edit:  I mean, tv fake murder, not like the actual murder of Dr. King, which was a travesty.  Sheesh, that sounded terrible.

I felt a little guilty for not using every waking minute on something productive, but since our days of lounging around in squishy pants (pj's and sweats) are numbered it felt really great.

I did hang out in the baby room a little and put away the wonderful things give to us at the family baby shower held Saturday night. A load of baby laundry has been completed and those little shirts and pants have been folded and put away.  So cute!

The shower was a co-ed affair with beer, margaritas and football.  There were traditional games played, but our hostesses made the men in our crowd participate.  In fact, we girls didn't have to do anything but watch.  It was great!  The men were paired up, blind folded and then made to diaper a "baby" with cloth diapers and actual pins.  Cousin Scott gave a pint of blood during his turn.

In addition to the handy things in life that we'll need we were given some adorable clothes.  I do love all things pink, but it was refreshing to get some purple, green, orange and even black clothing for our little Peanut.  She'll have some chic things to burp up on!

Sunday we made it to church and then watched most of the Seahawks game.  I feel badly that I didn't blog about how they had no chance in hell of winning.  That really seemed to work for them against New Orleans.  For those of you with broken hearts I say to you, better luck next year.

Marty & Scott blind diapering

Other than that... we watched movies.  We're an exciting married couple.  We dined in, watched tv... we did get a car washed.  That was pretty thrilling.  Of course, it wasn't MY car so a big "whatever" is in order.

One fun thing, we're planning a Long Beach weekend in the summer. We've reserved a 'cabin' and are going with a large group.  Cabin is misleading because it's a 4 bedroom house that was built maybe 5 years ago.  I'm jazzed about getting to share "my" Long Beach with the group that's going.

Scott's baby with bandaid after blind diapering

Since my vacation time this year will be limited I'm happy to have something on the books that I'm looking forward to. Yes, I get 6 weeks off, but from what I can tell based on the reading I won't be doing a lot of "lounging" around during that time frame.  It seems that Miss Lucy will actually require care and feeding on a pretty frequent basis.

I guess that's about it for now.   Since yesterday was a "day off" from work, there is a lot of activity happening on the employment side of my desk, so I should get back to it.

Whoops

Well, I called THAT incorrectly.   What a fun game that was on Saturday.  I'm not holding out a lot (any) hope of a Superbowl appearance, but I will congratulate the team on a well played game.  It was very entertaining and enjoyable.

Good luck with Chicago!

Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not sure what I'm more excited about, a weekend with no commitments (other than the hospital tour tomorrow morning) or that my icky rash (see the other blog for gory details) has really gotten better.  I slept very well last night all things (potty breaks) considered.

I know we, as residents of the pacific northwest, should be prepping our Seahawks gear and logging onto Stubhub to get tickets to the big game, but I'm unimpressed.  I will be a not-so-quiet naysayer and say that I think anyone with dreams of going all the way with THIS team is may about to experience what it feels like to be a WSU fan.

I will say that I think football playoffs are a lot more to the point than NBA and Baseball.  Best of 7? What is that all about?    I like the lose once and you're out concept.  Sure, sitting through multiple baseball games during a championship run is fun, but best of 7... seriously?  

My mom is excited about the game and I appreciate her enthusiasm.  I also appreciate that she's not at my house in her Blue and Turquoise gear screaming at my tv.  Although, mom - there are tickets to the game to be had.  You could drive over and go... I'm just saying. 

In the boring category, I've started pulling together our information for taxes.  I'm going to try to do our 2010 taxes myself with the aid of TurboTax.  I've been compiling our receipts and find it depressing how much we dine out week after week.  I'm sure that Lucy will put a dent in that, with the portability issue and the loss of a chunk of disposable income toward child care.  Home cookin' will be just fine I'm sure.

I have no earth shattering news, so this will be my post for today.  Have a great weekend!

More wonderful things from the Internet

I find that the auto correct on my iPhone is frustrating, but I usually manage to correct it before things like this happen:

For Jason

This makes me laugh out loud every time I see it. Poor girl

yeahright

see more Failbook

Things that are gone forever

1) My teenage years.  They were fun, but I don't miss them.
2) My virginity. No comment
3) My spotless driving record - that's been gone since I was 19, but still sad .
4) The new clothes that my mom left in a New Orleans hotel room.
5) My dad's hair.
6) WaMu
7) My ability to roller skate.
8) The Mayan civilization
9) HMS Titanic
10) Jason's white pajama bottoms that were foolishly left on the unmade bed in our hotel room Saturday.  When we got back to the room the bed was made, the room clean and his pj's were nowhere to be found.

A prompt call to the front desk filled us with promise that they would be located in the pile of dirty sheets for the day, but alas, the phone call we got the next day dashed our hopes.  "We checked the room and found nothing."

Well, no sh*t sherlock, if they were in the room after the room had been cleaned, we would have found them.  I called back on Monday to speak with the guest services manager who simply passed our message onto the same yahoo who checked the room and finally got a call back from someone who said that "We shake the sheets out before they are send to our (3rd party) laundry service.  No one saw your item."


The sleeping shorts are gone forever. 

DAMN DAMN DAMN


We can't ever have anything nice.