Thursday, January 03, 2013

2012 - in review, it's not all about the baby.

It seems like time just flies by... Summer turns into fall and we do up the house for Halloween, then Thanksgiving is followed by a whole month of Christmas activities.  We take a deep breath in early January to really clean the house, but pause to celebrate Jason's birthday at month end. Valentine's day gets a nice nod, mostly good cards and a great dinner, and now we celebrate Lucy's birthday on March 1st.    Early spring is my least favorite time of year, the weather isn't great, it's wet, Jason gets a nasty case of seasonal allergies and is a mess for months.  Somewhere in May there is a glorious weekend and all the Northwesterners wig out and proclaim to the world how wonderful it is to live here.   Then it is gloomy until the 5th of July when summer really arrives.  Soon, it is fall and time to dig out the pumpkins again.

There is a lot more to our year than that - this was a big one:

Snow storms
A 1st birthday for a certain kid
Someone learned how to walk
New words are entering our vocabulary all the time
Trips to Denver
Both grandmas had hand issues and casts
It was election year, so we got to watch lots and lots of super uplifting tv ads.
I did some laundry, and then I did it again.
We spent a lot of energy on our kitchen and love the outcome.
Jas & I went to Maui and had a wonderful time.
We dined in the back yard during our short but lovely summer.
I did some more laundry.
I did NOT stain the fence... next year for sure.

Blah blah blah... where are the funny, sarcastic posts of yore?  I am extremely happy and the areas that I'm not so thrilled about don't seem ok to blog about on a continual basis.  I'm still struggling with the loss of my friend but my walls are up and other than polite invitations to larger events I'm not of the mind to extend the olive branch.  A colleague of mine was saying how her 10 year old daughter is going through big dramas at school.  "Betsy's" best friend broke up with her and it played out like a boyfriend/girlfriend break up.  "Mom" was expressing how silly it all felt, but that it resulted in days of histrionics until they "got back together".   I can see where kids - young girls especially would act out the break up process with flair.  I can also empathize that when you're the one who gets dumped it hurts.

I feel a little like "Betsy" in that this loss of friendship has been like a breakup, but without the benefit of a big dramatic fight.  I'm aware that the fact that we haven't spoken in person or made any attempts to sit down are by my choice and I obviously must be ok with that or I would do something about it.  I do wonder from time to time if she even cares.  And then I wonder, why does it matter if she cares?  Girls are complicated beings even at 44.

I suppose the reason I'm STILL talking about this is that I miss her.  But missing someone and willing to spend time with someone who thinks so little of you are two different things.  I'm insecure about a lot of things, but not so much that I'll take any form of friendship that I can wick off someone.

Insecurity is a funny thing - it feeds on itself.  When the 'breakup' thing starts swirling in my head I start making a list of my faults and there are a few, and then I move onto the people whom I really cared about who no longer are in my life.  The one thing they all have in common - me and they are no longer here, so clearly the issue must be me.

I KNOW, I KNOW...lives change and people move on, it is not a sign that there is something terribly wrong with ME, but when you only look at it from the perspective of those who choose not to participate in my life anymore it's hard to not focus on my part of that equation.

The truly deep dark secret about all this is that I worry that someday my most important person, Mr. TP gal will find reason to leave as well.  This is totally and completely irrational. Similarly when he runs an errand and takes longer coming home than you would expect I start worrying about car wrecks and other dreadful things.  We put a lot of purposeful effort into our little union - we both want to be here and even during those times when we're too busy or tired to connect we acknowledge it.  The Oprah Inner Dialog tells me to turn those feelings of 'fear' into action to continue to put effort into our marriage and to silence the insecurity gremlins.

OID also says to make a list of one thing each day for which you are grateful.  I'm pretty sure I won't be posting one each day for the entire year (as you say 'whew') but today, I'm grateful for those warm snuggle moments in the morning when Lucy joins us before we get out of bed and start our day.  She gets cozy while she wakes up and likes to be 'in the nook'.  She will take my arm and tug it into place so she's got a good 'mommy hug' and that is a wonderful thing.  It is not so nice when she pushes Jason's hand away because he's moving in on her territory.  That poor little girl is in for a hard lesson when she finally figures out that he was here first and he is staying and we're going to eventually ask HER to move out of the house.   He says that when I'm gone for work she is equally loving and cuddly with him, but it's clear that he's #2 on the cuddle hierarchy.

Thanks for dropping by.

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