Halloween: T minus 33 days

It's getting close to that time of year when the scary things come out at night. (wooooo). The bad little ghouls are already starting to plan their evil frightening things for us to find.

I noticed this headline on MSN.COM:

'Screech' sex tape discovered

Hold me... I'm so frightened.

Mood: Elevated

After a good night sleep and more importantly a well placed phone call to a friend I was able to climb out of the little hole I was in yesterday.

I'm not often in that sad, depressive place and I don't like being
there.

On a "good" note, I was so busy feeling sorry for myself that I forgot to eat dinner. I didn't even notice until 11 when I went to bed and I was hungry. Thank heaven for the frozen Go-Gurght - my favorite. (the
too sad to eat thing doesn't happen to me - usually I eat when I'm sad,
and I eat when I'm happy, and I eat when it's light out side, and I eat
when it's dark...) Some people can go through something traumatic like
the loss of a library book and come out on the other side 15 pounds
lighter. Me, I'm saving for a 6 month fast.

My goal this week is to bring lunch to work all 5 days and cook myself
dinner at home. Eating out for lunch and dinner every day takes a toll
on the pocket book. Even though I'm not the best cook, I eat better
when I cook at home.

I use to eat a LOT of bagged spinach, but now that's not even good for me anymore.

Mood level: Blue

I'm in a funk today and rather than sit in silence and feel sorry for myself I'm going to post my sad tale of woe.

For the most part I'm a pretty happy person, I've got a nice set of parents, good friends, a good job and a nice place to live - so what's my problem? I've got two things swirling around in my head today that at the simplest issue is around the death of friendships.

First of all let me tell you that in my life I've always been the friend to everybody but in some circles have feel like I'm not in the inner circle. With June & Yaz and even Becca it's different - it's a life long grow old together kind of friendship - but with some of my other friends it's been easy to hold back and only share the "fun TPgal" rather than the complex sometimes sad tpGal. I always want to be there for folks no matter what, but it's not easy for me to share the inner tpGal dialog. When I'm really hurting I don't reach out because I can see that others have their own problems or alternatively I don't want to bring folks down just because I'm blue. It's always been easy for me to ask for help when if the answer is no, it's not that huge of a deal, but if I need the answer to be yes then asking kills me. I don't know why... it just is.

A few years ago my circle of friends (not the Yaz,Jun&becca group) decided to go to Idaho for a long weekend. For the most part it was fun although the day it rained and we were stuck in the 300 foot houseboat (6 of us) it was a trying day. We decided to go again the next year and due to schedules couldn't go until the last week in September. Well - the day before we were supposed to leave the weather turned to crap. The prospect of sleeping outside on a lake in the rain didn't sound good to me. A phone call to Ali and Rico confirmed that they too were inclined to want to cancel. So, after weighing the options I called friend Bill to say 'hey man, the weather looks bad and I'm going to cancel." He was fine with my not going. Then I dropped the Hiroshima bomb that killed our friendship - Ali and Rico aren't going either. (They should have called themselves, but both were unavailable for the drama that was about to ensue.) Well - Bill wasn't so ok with Ali and Rico not going. (I've tried not to read so much into this - but it does stick a little in my throat the casual "gee so sorry you can't come" and the total devastation over the loss of Rico and Ali - but that's not the point.) Upon hearing that they too weren't going he was ANGRY and pissed at me for delivering the news. (I know now, that no matter what Rico&Ali were doing that day, they should have called themselves.)

After he hung up on me (oh wait -- before I called I did try to find a place to rent near the houseboat where we could all sleep inside - but it didn't work out) and I spoke with our other friend who was going (who for the record also said she didn't want to go - even though this information never made it out into the open.) i assumed (my fault) that they would still be going - especially since with 3 folks not coming there would be room for everyone to sleep inside. So, I started thinking about what to do with the long weekend.

I suggested to Rico that we go to Vancouver and use his hotel connections to get a cheap place to stay. The next day we started working on an alternate plan and decided to leave that night.

The phone calls between Rico, Bill and Monica's house were fast and furious (mostly furious) and notably the only person calling me was Ali. We three felt bad about canceling (and if I had it to do over I certainly would have sucked it up and gone - even though it not only rained, but it snowed that weekend) but still wanted to get out of dodge for a couple days. So we planned to go. Bill, Mrs. Bill and Monica found out we were headed north and they became even MORE angry (at me apparently) and essentially ended the friendship. I've been told that they interpreted our leaving town as a "we wanted to vacation without you all along and this just proves it" kind of move. Not true -- but since no one is talking to me whatever.

A lot more was going on including some false information being moved from me to an already pissed Mrs. Bill by a 'helpful' Monica and my unwillingness to repeat my sincere apology for the 3rd time. I sincerely apologized twice, and after an appropriate amount of time made a invitation to get together and was rebuffed. Well, sorry people balls in your court now.

A lot of time has passed since then, and it has been made extremely clear to me that Bill has forgiven me, but Mrs. Bill has not. They have both long since forgiven Ali and Rico and frequently socialize with them. I however am on the outs. Before the divorce Ali & Rico had a dinner party and we were all there. I thought it went well - everyone was friendly and seemed to have a good time. We've been to a couple other events together and while we are no where near where we were before "the incident" I thought it was getting better.

Alas - I'm wrong. Our little circle of friends have an annual end of summer party with a theme and it's been quite popular. This year it was hosted my Mr. & Mrs. Bill and you would have thought that the drama would have been the issue of who to invite Ali or Rico - but no.. it was me. Not invited.

I have to tell you that it hurts to not have been invited and worse to find out that no one seems to care. It's like I was such a shitty friend that no one is bothering to defend me. Rico told me today that he asked why I wasn't invited, but didn't elaborate on the answer he received - but he still went to the party. (thanks) and Ali who doesn't like to rock the boat didn't even tell me about the party. (she too went of course)

In my head I hear my wise grandmother asking, why do you want to be friends with people who aren't showing any character or kindness? I don't have an answer for that. It hurts that someone who use to be a friend could think so ill of me - and yet forgive others who were equal participants in my "crime".

It also cuts me at a cellular level that Ali refuses to rise to my defense. What is that? I would defend her to the end and I find her unwillingness to step in hurtful.

So, at the end of the day my self worth has taken a pretty big blow not at not being invited to the party but at being a disposable person to people who I cared about. Not being invited to the party just brings everything back up. The inner dialog that is running through my head isn't very kind at the moment and I'm just sad.

Well - that was supposed to make me feel better, writing it out and expressing myself but it didn't. Next post will be back to sunny happy tpGal... Thanks for listening.

Testing the mobile blogging tool

I knew that it was possible to post using e-mail and after a few
short minutes reading the instructions I've worked it out.

I will now be able to blog about my terrible commute days while stuck
on the bus, or blog about the endless meetings while sitting in
them. Wow, it will be like a real-time tpGal experience.

(sending this one from my home e-mail account to see if there are any
funky characters that pop up.)

More Fictionary Terms

Flogic - logic with a serious error. For example, as a young child my dad used flogic to determine that because leaves moved when it was windy that the leaves caused the wind.

Zildo - a battery operated personal pleasure device with dead batteries.

Hollywoodland ... the BIG question

After work last night I met SadRico and his new lady friend downtown for dinner and a movie. Here's the review:

The new girlfriend is pretty great. She's confident, eats with utensils, laughs at Rico's stupid recycled jokes, and although she asked a question during the movie at full volume is socially acceptable. She is smitten with Rico and he deserves that. I don't think that she will ever cross into the INNER CIRCLE the way that Ali did - but you never know. She seems accepting of Rico's quirks (the big baby side and the wounded no-one-liked-me-as-a-kid side) and met his mom and her odd hubby and didn't run screaming for the hills. They are nice people - but I wouldn't want to take a road trip with them - not even a short one like to the Safeway.

We also saw a movie Hollywoodland staring Arian Brody, who is oddly appealing, Dianne Lane and Ben Afflack (who you may not know almost married Jennifer Lopez a few years ago - it's too bad the press didn't pick up on that.) The plot is that Adrian Brody is a pi (private investigator with a past -dun da daaaa) who is investigating the "Suicide" of the actor who played Superman George Reeves - no relation to Christopher. (Rico asked during the movie... where's the kid? I'm all like, what kid? He's like - you know, the second superman - Christopher Reeves his son. And I'm all - oh they aren't related --- Geo. Reeves... Chris Reeve - not the same family. He's all - you're wrong. I'm all - sure thing IDIOT."

The movie is about how no one really knows what happened - Superman "shot himself in the head" which I hear generally leaves a pretty big mark and renders the shootee incapable of doing much after. But - he also had a bullet casing under his body - which could indicate that he was moved or that he wasn’t the shooter. There were also three bullet holes in the room and with a party of folks down stairs who said they only heard one gun shoot something is amiss, hence the controversy.

After six or seven hours the movie seemed to drag on and the sub-plots were unrelated. When the movie finally stopped (maybe they ran out of film and just stopped) Rico says to us - gosh that sure left a lot of things unanswered and I’m all "yeah, like why they made that movie."

So, there's my review. If I can't figure out why a movie was made, it's not a good recommendation. Sure Ben did a fine job and he'll have a better career if he stops trying to be the star but WHO CARES?

Oh sure, it's "work" related...

The Executive Women's Forum was a smash success again. They really pack in the technical stuff during the day and then party like whorish sorority girls at night.








We golfed the first day. (It was over 100 degrees and my foursome was only one of three to finish 18 holes.)

















We relaxed at the pool - with the most specific rules I've ever seen.

















We had a little party - a toga party. I made this pink number myself! I understand cryptography (some) and can sew (a little!)


















There were BELLY dancers. As a larger lady myself, it is nice to know there are other career options available to me.
















We actually had a conference and they gave us some conference gear - this isn't your average tech conference!
















We had flight trouble on the way home. (Taxied out, alarms were going off, we smelled smoke, we taxied back, waited 4 hours and then tried it again.) This is the Sky Harbor Airport fire truck











We flew over the grand canyon at sunset - and yes I am such a tourist that I took pictures. My seatmate was beside himself with horror when my camera came out. Aw, get over yourself mister.
















I'm home for one night and then off to Portland to see Wicked with the girlfriends. The poor cat is so starved for love that he's laying on my hands as I type. Here he is drunk with love.

isn't it just my luck?

I stayed an extra day in Arizona and took a late flight out to soak up some late summer sunshine, and the pool at the (musty) Embassy Suites in Phoenix is closed for tomorrow.

I tried to get an earlier flight out - but with the luggage that I have to check because of the *gasp* shampoo and hair gel standby isn't going to work.

My plan is to sleep in tomorrow and I guess I'll work from here.

I've got lots of photos and fun things to share about the conference (party) but they will have to wait until I can download the pictures.

I've still got MORE to say

This is the beauty of the blog. I can post the things that are interesting to me and you don't have to feign interest. You can pass right by and on to the things you like.

I just took out the trash (I'm going to be gone until Friday and it's nice to come home to a not stinky house) and found that the blackberry bushes are laden with berries. See what I managed to pick in 10 minutes. Imagine what I could have done in the day light and wearing real shoes instead of the flip flops.









I also forgot to mention that I have a seating problem at my house. I only have seating for 5 and when the book club ladies come over (we number 7) folks are sitting on the floor. What I really want is a new couch, love seat, chair combo but I'm not willing to go into debt for them, so I happened upon the Thomasville floor sale. I found two chairs that are surprisingly comfortable and were quite the bargain. As a bonus, they will double as dining room chairs for all the hundreds of dinner parties I will have someday.

The only problem was the seat covering (leopard! *ACK*) but a quick trip to Joanne's Fabrics and an hour with the staple gun and I'm read to rock and roll. See:







That terrible "beige" carpet will be the next investment that Casa TP will be treated to. I'm debating between extendng the pergo (and risking a color mismatch) or laying a "berber-esque" multitone rug. I think the rug will be nice in the winter when it's chilly, and easy to keep clean.

So, my job may have it's dull aspects but there are up sides that can not be denied. Getting to travel to Ireland and Spain are two very excellent examples of things that should not be forgotten when I've been stuck in airless rooms for days on end listening to people talk about compensating controls for risks. (zzzz)

The overseas trips are most likely over for the time being, but that's alright. There are plenty of wonderful places in the US to visit.

I'm leaving tomorrow for a conference in Arizona. What a nice way to cap off the summer. This is a three day event that is centered around security and risk management, but its also designed to facilitate networking for women in this field. (I know, if it was a men's only event we'd be screaming bloody murder.) Technically it is open to individuals of all genders - and there are a few use-to-be-men (or soon-to-be-not-men) who will be in attendance so it's not entirely segregated. Anyway - the conference sessions are serious topics and the night time activities are all girlie girl. There's the ladies golf scramble Tuesday morning followed by a massage (I have to pay for these activities on my own thank you very much) a wind down by the pool and a cocktail party (Tuesday is a travel day - and thus no brainwork needed.) Wednesday following a day of sessions there's pool time built into the day and then a "Goddess Party". I know it will include an open bar, dancing, a show and togas. I spent my afternoon searching the web for a good toga idea and about 2 hours putting it together. I opted for an ethereal HOT PINK toga with gold rope. In events past the ladies have gone all out with their costumes and I didn't want to show up in a dreadful white sheet stolen off my heavenly bed.

Thursday (due t the expected hangovers) we start late and end around 5 - where there's more pool time on the agenda. A lot of networking happens at the pool - it's pretty great.

I leave butt-ass early Friday and arrive home at 9 - I'll be working from here rather than heading into the office so it's a light week. Yeah!

It's not lost on me that I am flying tomorrow and I am no more apprehensive about flying on September 11th than I am any other day. (I've actually flown every Sept. 11th since 2001 and if anything people are more polite than they are other days.) On the 5th year anniversary the news people are featuring the attacks and aftermath as part of their programming. I sincerely hope that not once did some tv executive talk about ratings or revenue for this programming. In flipping on the tv this morning I saw that HBO was showing one of the documentaries and I couldn't walk away. I sat there and cried like I did the day it happened. More skilled people than I could probably sum up the enormity and the sincerity of the lingering pain in my heart for those that died and their families. My attempts are inadequate but I will say that the "we will never forget" slogan is more than just a faded bumper sticker to me. (See, it sounds trite.)

Oh well, perhaps I am trite - that could be my gift to the world.

A better use for a treadmill

This may be hard to see, but it's awesome! It's the OK GO Band performing their video live on the VMA's.

"Yes Suri, She's our baby" - holy crap the world is ending

Look at the death grip that Tom has on that baby. I am ashamed that I use to think he was dreamy. Of course, I have always had a thing for GAY MEN so I guess it's understandable.

Be sure to note the toupee that kid is wearing - whoa it must be nice having access to Donald Trump's people.

CBS News with Katie Couric

I watched the Katie Couric news tonight. It was fine - less doom and gloom than I expected. However there were at least 3 CBS / New York Times polls telling me how I felt about the Presidents performance. (It may be news to you, but at least 48% of the people surveyed thinks he's a nincompoop.)

I took and informal poll of my own and 100% of the people in my household thought there were too many opinion polls on the Eye and too many punny segments. "Eye on America" "Watch a presidential press conference and CBS". (You may need to say it out loud and slowly.)

One also must assume it's a slow news day when this is on the front page of the cbsnews.com website. It's their picture of baby Suri

Hey, CBS... it's a cartoon picture apparently drawn by Andy Warhol.

I'll watch again - when I happen to be home at 5:30 which I never am, so sorry Katie if I can't help your ratings.

Stay Awake if you can

Yesterday in my work mail box I recieved confirmation that the world at large thinks I'm a nerd. It's dissapointing that all those years of dancing to rave music until 3 in the morning and then managing to be at work at 8:00 a.m. count for nothing. Nor is my pre- pop album love for REM remembered as socially conscience forward thinking. I am officially a has-been techie freak.

After reading Bank Technology Weekly (seriously... this should have been my first clue that my hip soul had left my body) I turned to the next item in the stack and it was *GASP* a brochure on Network Cabling Solutions.

Your network audit, like most IT audits may have stopped at an inspection of active electronics. When planning for real time systems such as VoIP/IPT or high-speed application ssuch as 10G trasmission, a full network audit is critical.

...and your cabling regardless of the grade chose, is only as agood as the installation.
...a quality review of cabling practices.



I think it is safe to say that officially, parts of my job are so dull that it is surprising that I manage to live through the day.

Ok, so maybe NOT lazy & useless

In spite of not having a ton of plans this weekend I managed to pack in the hours:

2 movies
Talladega Nights (The ballad of Ricky Bobby) my review.... eh what ever. The outakes at the end may have been the funniest part of the movie
The other movie I can't name because I"m supposed to be "saving it" for someone. I love the idea of saving movies to see with people - but my committment grows weak after 4 weeks. This isn't a complaint its a confession on my part that while I want to see the show with you, if there's no target date in sight I'll probably see it without you. If the movie is good, I'll pretend I didn't and see it again with you when it finally comes up, but if the movie blows (and this one didn't) I will tell you flat out. So, had I been "saving" the Matrix 3 and SYP& MWR's schedules hadn't worked out and I saw it on my own, I would have faked my own death to not have to see it again. Tradition be damned.

Attended a bbq - and instead of cooking like I had planned I swung by the Colnels and picked up a 16 piece bucket. The other guests teased me about my cooking skills - but at the end of the night while they were packing up cole slaw to take home, I had no left overs. In fact at one point I saw a small child in the chicken bucket licking the crumbs. So HA!

I made it to church in the first time in like 2 months. Pastor K's little speach (sermon... whatever) was about... S.E.X. seriously. He was all... you know they say that sex is dirty, and it's a sin... and you should save it for someone special.... wait, that seems wrong. Ha! He talked about it being everywhere in our lives and that its easy to take the connection to our partner of out if it, and that we need to put it back. All in all it was a pretty nice message -- but since I am unmarried I guess it doesn't apply to me. Some day, when I get married and my husband kisses me for the first time I suppose it will all be clear. tee hee

THis weekend I also discovered that coupons and gift certificates are designed to make you spend money! I had a $20 nordstrom coupon and spent almost $200. The same thing happened at another store. Today, SadRico and I drove up to Tulalip to do the outlet mall and I was worried that the Restoration Hardware GC's would cause me to buy a $4000 sofa or something. Alas, I held it together pretty well up there.

We did pop over to the casino for buffet. (seriously... yuck) I talked him into dropping $5.00 into the penny machines. While I lost my money in less than a minute (Wow, I suck) SadRico won a jackpot and cleared over $32.25. Pretty impressive.

The house is (as) clean (as it's going to be) for the book club ladies tomorrow. Dinner fixens are in the fridge and wine is chilling. All is well and so off I go to roll around in my new clothes.

Useless & Lazy

So, here it is a 3-day weekend and I've got a ton of things to do. There are picnics to attend, people to see, and (like always) a house to clean. My plan was to sleep in this morning (check) and do some laundry (check) while I cleaned and then shower and be out the door by noon.

Well... I came in the office to send AN E-MAIL and hour ago and I've checked work e-mail, written my mom, checked out HER new blog, read the comics, and am now posting on my own.

So much for a plan. Sigh - I am useless and lazy. People are coming over for dinner on Tuesday and I can't have dirty bathrooms and bags of recycling everywhere. That's my main problem - I stack up the recycling to take it out at once and I let the piles get too big. Don't worry, it's not trails through the house big, but it's not good either.

A few short thoughts and then it's back to the things I need to get done:

I had a dream last night that SadRico fell off a 4 story roof onto concrete and died! I couldn't get down to where he was and couldn't call for help. It was very disturbing. In the dream he kept sliding off the eve over and over again. Yikes!

At work, I get to move into one of the "super cubes" or shower stalls as we call them. These are generally reserved for people who are one level above my class. There will be lot's of grumbling and I'm hesitant to do move because of the discord it may cause. My boss said to do it - so I don't really have a choice.

BossMan did take the time to tell me again that he is NOT promoting me at year end. This is the second time he's brought it up, so I get it. I think his goal is to get my salary in line with the level where I'm currently placed before he does something nutty like move me up the organization and create an even bigger gulf between my rate and the level average. I'm not overly disgruntled by my salary - it's plenty for one person, but it is lower than the company says someone who is operating at my level should be making. I wouldn't turn down anything he wants to throw my way, but I'm also not counting on anything other than the 3.5% the company doles out at year end. If I was to speculate as to what he is going to do, and it's turns out he's only able to eek in another .5% I'd be disappointed so I'm letting this be his problem.

There are some advantages of not being the top paid person (or even in the top 20%) in that when they look to cut costs, I'm not a big target. I'm pretty safe - so don't worry mom. I"m also setting aside $$ in an emergency fund in case the bank decides they don't need security people at all. I doubt that would ever happen. Congress would have to repeal the Gramm Leach Bliley act first... not a chance!

Lastly, it's Jackson's birthday. Happy birthday Jackson. He's a friend from high school who I totally thought was dreamy all through school. He was my first (or second) inappropriate crush on a friend. He's a good guy living with his Mrs. in a far away land doing what he loves, so you can't hate him. He didn't make it to the reunion, but as much as people talked about him it was like he was there. He was the alumnus who got the most "he really made it good" press. Many of the homeys (sorry, I know I am a honkey and shouldn't try slang) really admire where Jackson's at. It was funny to hear it because in my mind, he's still the same kid who sprayed Windex in PM's eye and almost killed poor Robin by dropping her on her head. No amount of "he's an architect living in London" can take the spaz out of a guy.

Ok... now I really have to get moving, so shoo.