Mood level: Blue

I'm in a funk today and rather than sit in silence and feel sorry for myself I'm going to post my sad tale of woe.

For the most part I'm a pretty happy person, I've got a nice set of parents, good friends, a good job and a nice place to live - so what's my problem? I've got two things swirling around in my head today that at the simplest issue is around the death of friendships.

First of all let me tell you that in my life I've always been the friend to everybody but in some circles have feel like I'm not in the inner circle. With June & Yaz and even Becca it's different - it's a life long grow old together kind of friendship - but with some of my other friends it's been easy to hold back and only share the "fun TPgal" rather than the complex sometimes sad tpGal. I always want to be there for folks no matter what, but it's not easy for me to share the inner tpGal dialog. When I'm really hurting I don't reach out because I can see that others have their own problems or alternatively I don't want to bring folks down just because I'm blue. It's always been easy for me to ask for help when if the answer is no, it's not that huge of a deal, but if I need the answer to be yes then asking kills me. I don't know why... it just is.

A few years ago my circle of friends (not the Yaz,Jun&becca group) decided to go to Idaho for a long weekend. For the most part it was fun although the day it rained and we were stuck in the 300 foot houseboat (6 of us) it was a trying day. We decided to go again the next year and due to schedules couldn't go until the last week in September. Well - the day before we were supposed to leave the weather turned to crap. The prospect of sleeping outside on a lake in the rain didn't sound good to me. A phone call to Ali and Rico confirmed that they too were inclined to want to cancel. So, after weighing the options I called friend Bill to say 'hey man, the weather looks bad and I'm going to cancel." He was fine with my not going. Then I dropped the Hiroshima bomb that killed our friendship - Ali and Rico aren't going either. (They should have called themselves, but both were unavailable for the drama that was about to ensue.) Well - Bill wasn't so ok with Ali and Rico not going. (I've tried not to read so much into this - but it does stick a little in my throat the casual "gee so sorry you can't come" and the total devastation over the loss of Rico and Ali - but that's not the point.) Upon hearing that they too weren't going he was ANGRY and pissed at me for delivering the news. (I know now, that no matter what Rico&Ali were doing that day, they should have called themselves.)

After he hung up on me (oh wait -- before I called I did try to find a place to rent near the houseboat where we could all sleep inside - but it didn't work out) and I spoke with our other friend who was going (who for the record also said she didn't want to go - even though this information never made it out into the open.) i assumed (my fault) that they would still be going - especially since with 3 folks not coming there would be room for everyone to sleep inside. So, I started thinking about what to do with the long weekend.

I suggested to Rico that we go to Vancouver and use his hotel connections to get a cheap place to stay. The next day we started working on an alternate plan and decided to leave that night.

The phone calls between Rico, Bill and Monica's house were fast and furious (mostly furious) and notably the only person calling me was Ali. We three felt bad about canceling (and if I had it to do over I certainly would have sucked it up and gone - even though it not only rained, but it snowed that weekend) but still wanted to get out of dodge for a couple days. So we planned to go. Bill, Mrs. Bill and Monica found out we were headed north and they became even MORE angry (at me apparently) and essentially ended the friendship. I've been told that they interpreted our leaving town as a "we wanted to vacation without you all along and this just proves it" kind of move. Not true -- but since no one is talking to me whatever.

A lot more was going on including some false information being moved from me to an already pissed Mrs. Bill by a 'helpful' Monica and my unwillingness to repeat my sincere apology for the 3rd time. I sincerely apologized twice, and after an appropriate amount of time made a invitation to get together and was rebuffed. Well, sorry people balls in your court now.

A lot of time has passed since then, and it has been made extremely clear to me that Bill has forgiven me, but Mrs. Bill has not. They have both long since forgiven Ali and Rico and frequently socialize with them. I however am on the outs. Before the divorce Ali & Rico had a dinner party and we were all there. I thought it went well - everyone was friendly and seemed to have a good time. We've been to a couple other events together and while we are no where near where we were before "the incident" I thought it was getting better.

Alas - I'm wrong. Our little circle of friends have an annual end of summer party with a theme and it's been quite popular. This year it was hosted my Mr. & Mrs. Bill and you would have thought that the drama would have been the issue of who to invite Ali or Rico - but no.. it was me. Not invited.

I have to tell you that it hurts to not have been invited and worse to find out that no one seems to care. It's like I was such a shitty friend that no one is bothering to defend me. Rico told me today that he asked why I wasn't invited, but didn't elaborate on the answer he received - but he still went to the party. (thanks) and Ali who doesn't like to rock the boat didn't even tell me about the party. (she too went of course)

In my head I hear my wise grandmother asking, why do you want to be friends with people who aren't showing any character or kindness? I don't have an answer for that. It hurts that someone who use to be a friend could think so ill of me - and yet forgive others who were equal participants in my "crime".

It also cuts me at a cellular level that Ali refuses to rise to my defense. What is that? I would defend her to the end and I find her unwillingness to step in hurtful.

So, at the end of the day my self worth has taken a pretty big blow not at not being invited to the party but at being a disposable person to people who I cared about. Not being invited to the party just brings everything back up. The inner dialog that is running through my head isn't very kind at the moment and I'm just sad.

Well - that was supposed to make me feel better, writing it out and expressing myself but it didn't. Next post will be back to sunny happy tpGal... Thanks for listening.