Why aren’t independent women keeping their maiden names anymore?

This tweet came across my twitter account earlier this week. (I’m not a huge twitter fan, but it is a nice way to keep up with some folks who are CRAZY busy.)

As a recently married person who has opted to abandon my maiden name this question posed to the Internet haze made me think. I do consider myself an independent woman, even now after my oh so recent union with a certain dude. I’m learning to let go of things I use to HAVE to do for myself, such as scheduling car maintenance and trash removal from the house. I CAN do these tasks, but if he’s willing, why should I?

I do things he’s not a huge fan of and he does things that I don’t particularly enjoy. I think that’s the partnership portion of our teamwork agreement. Along with these remedial chores we have agreed to not ever fall apart on the same day – if he’s laying on the floor I’m the one who has to keep it together and vice a versa. That “it’s your turn” thing doesn’t quite translate to days when we’re cranky – we’ve figured out it is possible for both of us to be cranky at the same time and to survive it. It’s not fun, but it is survivable.

As for the name thing – I don’t believe that my decision to share a last name with my husband means I release one tiny little bit of my strong willed, hard earned independence. It is because of my autonomy that I felt I could change my name and not lose an ounce of my identity. It is because of my stong sense of self that I realized people who knew me before will always know me as the same person.

I respect those who opt(ed) to keep their maiden names. But, it doesn’t change how I see them. If they carry their father’s last name or their husband’s last name – they are still who they always were – in my eyes.

It is an adjustment, but I like it. It doesn’t make us any more or less a family, but I made this commitment for the long haul and I want to share this outward sign that to me feels intimate and public at the same time. It will also make the addressing of holiday cards and formal invitations easier.

There’s a cheesy and too sickly sweet scene at the end of the 2005 Kiera Knightley (who needs to EAT a COOKIE) version of Pride and Prejudice where she and Mr. Darcy are in their “sexy” pj’s watching the sunrise. He asks what he’s supposed to call her when he is something, head over heels in love with her and her response is “Mrs. Darcy”. Gosh, that scene makes my teeth hurt and yet the sentiment is one I can get behind.

I believe there are women who bow to the pressure of “tradition” and acquiesce to adopt their husband’s name. That’s a purposeful use of the word “acquiesce” over “choose”. Agreeing to do something and choosing are very different actions. This practice makes me sad. I am of the opinion that unless it is your decision and your decision alone that perhaps there might be a tiny crack in your partnership. I am fortunate to have received total support for whatever decision I made, and I am happy and comfortable with the direction I chose.

I’m not justifying, but the question sent out to the universe made me think, and this is my world for noting my thoughts.

By the way, the most important thing you can take away from this post is that the 2005 version of Pride and Prejudice sucked in comparison to the BBC version, that starred Colin Firth. It is a mini-series and will consume hours of your life, but if you are on the couch for a day or two, this is your happy place. I recently lent my copy to a dear friend, but only because she’s very ill. I made her sign paperwork saying that in the event of her demise, the DVD returns to my possession before anything else occurs – no family notification, no removal of corpses, I get my DVD back first. That is how much I LOVE IT.