Yuck

Today is the day of Kristina's funeral and I'm feeling generally sick about it. 

I'm thankful that Jason is coming with me, he doesn't know these people and the lack of friendly interaction (or any) makes hit hard to understand why this matters.  That's the wrong word, he gets that it matters.  I think he finds the sadness perplexing.

All I can say it that we were friends and just because life moved in a different direction (intentionally) it doesn't negate the history.   There's also a wide group of folks with this shared history and I think we owe to come together for this sad day.

I will also say that if it was me in this situation, you would have to sedate me.  This has hit so close to home that I'm more clingy than normal and slept like sh*t last night.  I feel like I couldn't get comfortable or turn off my brain.  I'm told I did the ugly snore last night, so I know there was some sleeping - but it wasn't that good happy sleep.

It will be good to see my friends today and I hope my inept "I'm so sorry" doesn't sound stupid. 

I imagine this whole situation is like being on a trip in Italy and waking up on Mars.  Becky uses this analogy to describe what it is like to have a child with special needs and I think it applies here too.  Eventually, you'd have to find the good things about living on Mars.  The first would be figuring out how to breathe, but eventually you'd have to find the gym, the grocery store and hopefully the comedy club.  Sadly, there's no roadmap to these places; you just have to figure it out.

The saying "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" always sounded like crap to me.  But I think it's because I had never really loved and certainly haven't ever lost.  I'm not sure what my point is...I guess I just feel bad about  Bill & the kids' loss and wish I had anything that could make it better.

Inept - that is a good word for how I'm feeling.