Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Upcoming Movies: TP gal predicts the bombs

Here's a list of upcoming movie titles and their descriptions with my predictions for their impact on our world:

Winter and spring:

ALL ABOUT STEVE: Sandra Bullock's a crossword-puzzle creator on a road trip in pursuit of her soul mate. (if sold as an art-movie it could have a small following, but it won't be a huge hit.)

CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC: A journalist (Isla Fisher) finds romance as she pursues her retail addiction. (fun date movie)

DUPLICITY: Julia Roberts and Clive Owen are spies carrying on an affair amid a dangerous assignment. (dull, dark and will have a small following)

FAST AND FURIOUS: Vin Diesel and Paul Walker lead the original cast of "The Fast and the Furious" into a new racing thriller. (huge hit with the immature drivers)

FRIDAY THE 13TH: The slasher franchise goes back to its beginning with an update of the horror tale about killer Jason Voorhees. (been there, screamed at that)

HANNAH MONTANA: THE MOVIE: Miley Cyrus brings her dual life as an ordinary school girl and pop star from TV to the big-screen. (OMG, It's Hannah!!!!!! $$$$$$$$$)

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore and Scarlett Johansson lead the cast of this ensemble romance. ($$$$$, but it will suck)

THE INTERNATIONAL: Clive Owen and Naomi Watts lead a probe into banks that finance terrorism. (Like the Insider, this will be dark. Clive is very attractive, but it doesn't compensate for the fact that he's a mumbler that can't be understood.)

JONAS BROTHERS: THE 3-D CONCERT EXPERIENCE: The Disney stars follow the hit "Hannah Montana" flick with their own concert movie. (OMG....$$$$$)

MONSTERS VS. ALIENS: Reese Witherspoon leads the voice cast in an animated comedy about mutants battling an alien robot. (Sounds dreadful, so I'm sure it will make lots and lots of money)

OBSERVE AND REPORT: Seth Rogen stars in the tale of an overzealous mall cop aiming to get into the police academy. (Seth Rogen is super funny... so have a drink this looks like mind candy.)

THE PINK PANTHER 2: Steve Martin's Inspector Clouseau bumbles through an investigation of stolen treasures. (WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?)

RACE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN: Dwayne Johnson's a cabbie aiding fugitive teens with special powers in a remake of "Escape to Witch Mountain." (please....)

17 AGAIN: Zac Efron and Matthew Perry star in a comedy about a middle-aged loser transformed back to his teen years. (really, does anyone think Matthew Perry looked like Zac? Zac is so pretty, and Matthew is funny, but NOT pretty.)

THE SOLOIST: Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey Jr. star in a drama about a music prodigy living on the streets. (I saw a review for this and it loks touching - Jamie Fox could be up for more hardware for this one.)

STATE OF PLAY: Russell Crowe and Ben Affleck star in a murder mystery set among the elite of Washington, D.C. (HAS BENS)

STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI: The video-game sensation is adapted into an action tale of warriors in Bangkok. (fun!)

THE UGLY TRUTH: Romance is in the air for a lovelorn TV producer (Katherine Heigl) and a tough on-air personality (Gerard Butler). (Predictable...they meet, they hate each other, one falls in love is rebuffed, the other goes away and then BAM the other one realises that he is her true true love. HURL)

UNDERWORLD: RISE OF THE LYCANS: The roots of an ancient feud between vampires and werewolves are explored in this prequel. (is that even in English?)

WATCHMEN: A superhero's murder casts his old associates into the investigation of a global conspiracy against their kind. (interesting... teenager money)

Summer season:

ANGELS & DEMONS: Tom Hanks and director Ron Howard follow up "The Da Vinci Code" with this showdown between the Vatican and a secret brotherhood. ($$$$, but Tom Hanks with long hair is disturbing.)

BRUNO: "Borat" star Sacha Baron Cohen takes another of his alter egos, Austrian fashionista Bruno, on the road. (Could be fun, Bruno is one of my favorite Cohen characters.)

DRAG ME TO HELL: "Spider-Man" and "Evil Dead" director Sam Raimi returns to his horror roots with this tale of a cursed woman. (NO ONE WILL SEE IT)

FUNNY PEOPLE: Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen and director Judd Apatow aim for laughs with a serious story about a dying comedian. (a dying comedian?)

G-FORCE: Nicolas Cage and Penelope Cruz are among the voice cast of an action comedy about guinea pigs trained as covert operatives. (I can imagine the porn version of this already.)

GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST: Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Garner star in the tale of a womanizer visited by the spirits of his jilted exes. (strange... MM is oddly interesting, but his last few flicks have been horrid.)

G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA: The Hasbro toys go into action in this tale of military operatives hunting an arms dealer. (if this is stop motion, I say woo hoo, if it's animated... dull)

ICE AGE: DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS: Ray Romano and his prehistoric pals return in part three of the animated franchise. (I LOVE RAY ROMANO! Welcome back doomed Dinos!)

I LOVE YOU BETH COOPER: Hayden Panettiere stars in a romance about a teen geek who gets his shot with the school hottie. (ick)

IMAGINE THAT: Eddie Murphy's a dad whose daughter's imaginary world holds the key to solving his personal crises. (Murphy needs to stop with the kid flicks, and go back to being dirty and raw!)

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS: Brad Pitt stars in Quentin Tarantino's World War II epic that's a throwback to "Dirty Dozen"-style war action. (ooh, QT makes great movies!)

LAND OF THE LOST: Will Ferrell's a scientist hurled into a world of dinosaurs in this update of the TV show. (Chacka!!!)

MY SISTER'S KEEPER: Cameron Diaz and Abigail Breslin star in a drama about a girl conceived as a donor for her ailing sister. (this bummer of a book will make a bummer of a movie, oh, the ladies will see it and cry and cry...)

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN: The national museum comes alive in Ben Stiller's comedy sequel. (er...oh, I get it, he's a a new museum with new displays.)

THE PROPOSAL: Sandra Bullock's a book editor trying to avoid deportation by marrying her harried assistant (Ryan Reynolds). (mind candy, predicatble, and I'll totally see it.)

PUBLIC ENEMIES: Johnny Depp and Christian Bale star in Michael Mann's saga of Depression-era gangster John Dillinger. (ooh, me likey!!!)

THE TAKING OF PELHAM 1 2 3: Denzel Washington and John Travolta star in the remake about crooks who hijack a subway train for ransom. (has beens.)

TERMINATOR: SALVATION: Christian Bale leads humanity's remnants against machine enemies in the franchise's first flick without Arnold Schwarzenegger. (nope, not worth your time, and yet, you'll see it.)

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN: Shia LaBeouf and his giant Autobot buddies team up for a rematch against the tyrannical Decepticons. (I hear the first one was ok, so I'm sure it will have an audience.)

2012: John Cusack stars in an action epic about the end of the world and what comes after. (Cusack...oh how I miss you Lloyd.)

UP: The latest from Pixar Animation ("WALL-E") follows the balloon adventure of an old man and a boy stowaway. (Pixar - say nothing more.)

X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE: Hugh Jackman goes solo in a prequel to the "X-Men" movies spelling out the back-story of his mysterious superhero. (I hate prequels...)

YEAR ONE: Jack Black and Michael Cera are primitive outcasts on an epic romp through ancient history. (bill and ted of 2009?)

Fall and holidays:

ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE SQUEAKUEL: The talking chipmunks return for part two of their big-screen adventures. (lord help us.)

AVATAR: "Titanic" director James Cameron spins a sci-fi epic about a human-alien hybrid fighting for his people's survival. (Tron?)

DISNEY'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL: Jim Carrey does multiple roles as Scrooge and the holiday ghosts in Robert Zemeckis' animated Dickens adaptation. ($$$)

FAME: Students sing, dance and dream of stardom in a new take on the hit film and TV show about a school for performing arts. (those of us who wore leg warmers originally will stay away, but the kids will love it.)

THE FANTASTIC MR. FOX: George Clooney's the mouthpiece for a sly fox stealing chickens from dopey farmers in this animated comedy. (Clooney should be seen not heard.)

THE INFORMANT: Matt Damon stars in Steven Soderbergh's tale of a corporate whistle-blower with secrets of his own. ("MATT-DAMON")

THE LOVELY BONES: Peter Jackson ("The Lord of the Rings") directs Mark Wahlberg and Rachel Weisz in a drama about a slain girl playing guardian angel for her family. (oh my...another bummer, but this could be really suspenseful.)

NEW MOON: Young love between an awkward teenager and an ageless vampire continues in the "Twilight" sequel starring Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. (whatever)

OLD DOGS: A bachelor and a divorced man (John Travolta and Robin Williams) become the unexpected caretakers of 6-year-old twins. (holy hell... no thank you)

THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG: Disney returns to old-school hand-drawn animation with an update of the classic frog prince fairy tale. (how quaint... DVD)

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Robert Downey Jr. has the lead in this latest take on literature's most-famous detective. (Downey is on fire these days... could be interesting.)

SHUTTER ISLAND: Leonardo DiCaprio and director Martin Scorsese pair up again for a story of U.S. marshals on a case at an insane asylum. (dark...DiCaprio... Delicious)

TOOTH FAIRY: It's tutu time for Dwayne Johnson, who plays a hockey player magically sentenced to serving a week as the mythical Tooth Fairy. (you lost me at Dwayne Johnson)

UP IN THE AIR: George Clooney's a corporate hatchet man whose job is in jeopardy due to corporate downsizing. (I'm living this... who wants to see it as a movie? Nobody in my office looks like George Clooney!)

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE: Director Spike Jonze adapts the children's classic about a boy with a fantastical world as his personal playground. (neato-bandito!)

THE WOLFMAN: Benicio Del Toro turns werewolf in this new take on the horror classic that co-stars Anthony Hopkins. (so, no makeup artist required?)

Not in this list.. Harry Potter - (I'm getting in line now!)

and Star Trek - (I'm getting in line now!!!)


Dan said...

you have far to much time on your hands!!!!

Anonymous said...

So, how does this list secure my information at Mega Bank? I am writing my Congressman!!!

PNB Dave said...

"I Love You, Beth Cooper" is a hilarious book, so it might work. Also, Hayden Panettiere is hot. (For a 19-year-old.)