TP vs. TP

The subconscious is a strange thing. I had the oddest dream the other night that I will share with you now.

I was investigating the death of some woman (all very CSI meets Law & Order) and someone handed me a letter. It was a 9 page handwritten letter from one of Aunt Martha's friends who had gone to Bellingham to the funeral home and wanted to see the "lovely spot" where her ashes were scattered. She was pissed that the paperwork showed that Martha's ashes were scattered in the spot provided by the funeral home and not a park, or in the mountains. (for the record, this is true.)

She went on for page after page telling me what an unloving, unkind and terrible thing I had done to Martha and how I had disrespected her life.

In my dream, I scanned the letter and then began to formulate my reply. I defended my actions and gave this 'friend' the details about the state of Martha's house, how I had cleaned it up, talked to social workers and tried to get her help before my surgery. Then I explained how in the time of two short months the house was worse than before, I explained about the unreported broken toilet, the "solution" and the months I spent going back and forth.

I woke up and was stewing in the issue. Clearly some part of my subconscious has residual guilt and is at odds with the reality of what that situation actually was (hell). No, I didn't have a lovely ceremony with her ashes, but I made sure she had health care and was working on housing. I wonder why I can feel that I did the right thing and yet beat myself up in my dreams.